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Sexual and Romantic Orientation If you are unsure of your sexuality, post here for support and advice. If you have concerns about coming out, please use the Coming Out Advice forum.

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Old 27th Mar 2009, 04:20 PM   #1
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Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I've put a whole lot of thought into this in the past month or so. (More thoughts than I thought I could process in such a short amount of time, actually.) They've driven me crazy, made me a space cadet, and brought me to tears. (And that was just in one day!)

Basically, long story short, I've discovered that I'm about 90-95% positive that I am, in fact, a lesbian.

I already came out to my mom. And I want to come out to my dad and my brother too, when the time is right. The thing is, though, for some reason I'm afraid this is going to end up being some sort of "phase." I mean, I am 16--we're kind of prone to doing things like that. But this...this is different. Right now I know I'm gay. I just feel it. But for some reason the thought of telling everyone and then someday me randomly realizing I'm NOT gay haunts me, even though I can't imagine it happening. Am I making any sense?

Right now I'm almost completely positive that I don't like guys and won't ever like guys. But what if it changes? And I know, I shouldn't care what others think, they won't care later on, my sexuality is flexible, all that stuff--but it still bothers me.

Can someone please give me some kind words, at least to tell me that I'm not the only one who's worried about this?
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Old 27th Mar 2009, 04:30 PM   #2
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

Well, i personally dont believe in "phases".

Whoever said teenagers go through homosexual phases and then go on to live heterosexual lives free from these thoughts either studied alot of bisexuals or does not know the least fucking bit about sexuality.

Ive never heard of people having solid, concrete thoughts like you are having randomly wake up one day and go "Oh, i think i like penis today?". If you look at a beautiful woman, and inside your body the gears start rolling and the sparks start flying, i would not worry about randomly discovering your in-fact not gay. If you look at a beautiful boy, and inside the gears are going *pppfft* and the sparks are dead, then you are REALLY gay and have nothing to worry about. If you do still have some attractions to men, maybe you are a bisexual, but being bisexual will never change the fact you have same-sex attractions.

Basically, dont worry. You have same sex attractions like this, then they most likely are there to stay. Forever.
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Old 27th Mar 2009, 09:32 PM   #3
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I am worried about the same thing, but I am a lot less sure about things than your are. Is it really likely that you will change your mind? It doesn't sound like it. Maybe you have doubts because you haven't told people yet...? I'm just thinking out loud But, on the odd chance that you did change your mind in the future, what does it matter? If you feel comfortable to tell people you're interested in girls, then wouldn't it be OK to tell them you have had a change of heart?
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Old 27th Mar 2009, 09:40 PM   #4
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

If it changes, then it changes. It'll change because, presumably, you fell completely for a guy. At which point you'll start dating him, and people will say "I thought you were a lesbian", and you'll say "I know - me too!"

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Old 27th Mar 2009, 09:46 PM   #5
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I worried about this for a while, but then I was just like "f*** it. I am who i am" and I stopped trying to define myself. I'm queer, somewhere on the sexuality spectrum not near "straight", usually close to "gay", but occasionally fluctuating towards "bisexual."
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Old 27th Mar 2009, 10:24 PM   #6
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I understand you it's an odd feeling but you told your mom and if you fall for a guy then that happens but you seem pretty sure so don't stress.I had moments where I was unsure I just think it's the fact that I was afraid to come out and say to everyone I'm gay.It's a process.
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Old 28th Mar 2009, 12:08 AM   #7
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I....oh God, I know.
You are NOT the only one who worries.
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Old 28th Mar 2009, 01:58 AM   #8
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I personnaly believe that very few people are 100% straight or gay. Most people stick to one gender they prefer but I'm sure that at some point nearly everyone have felt attraction for both genders.
So you think you are a lesbian and want to be out, so do it. And if you fall in love with a guy one day, seriously, there is no big deal. The only mistakes you can make is to forbid yourself to fall in love with a guy because you label yourself a lesbian, or not to allow yourself to be out as a lesbian because one day you might fall in love with a guy.
(I wonder if that sentence makes sens at all...)
Be who you are and love who you love. It's the best way to feel fine in your own skin.
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Old 28th Mar 2009, 02:08 AM   #9
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I've definitely been there myself. That's part of the reason I don't really like using the word 'lesbian' to describe myself, I feel like there's a very small chance I could fall for a guy someday, but I'd say I'm 95% gay. I tend to use "queer" or just say "I like girls", which does leave some margin of error. But I do think that if you're strongly attracted to girls now, that's probably not going to change.
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Old 28th Mar 2009, 02:09 AM   #10
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

I get that too. But in the end, you probably won't change - you sound very sure - and even if it does change, that doesn't matter. People may be stupid about it, or say "Oh, she was just going through a phase", but, those people are so insensitive and stupid that, I've come to realise, their opinions are worthless. What matters is that you do what's right for you now, and if you want to tell the rest of your family, it sounds like you're ready. If later things change and you fall for a man, that's fine. That's just life. You can never be sure of these things, or guarantee what will happen in the future. All you can guarantee is the now, and right now, you're sure and you want to come out.
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Old 28th Mar 2009, 07:17 AM   #11
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

The ONLY reason I'm afraid to come out to people. Trust me, I've been there too. Okay, I'm STILL there, but I'm trying to ignore it. I realized that what going to happen, is going to happen, whether I want it to or not. I can just accept it or fight it. Accepting is easier, because I'm lazy. Which reminds me, I need to change my orientation to lesbian now that I've finally realized this. Thanks for the reminder!
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Old 30th Mar 2009, 03:20 PM   #12
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Re: Afraid to come out because I'm afraid my sexuality is going to change?

Hi there!

You're certainly not alone in worrying about this! In case it possibly helps I thought I would give you some of my long-winded thoughts on sexuality (I find it hard to be short and to the point unfortunately!) - these are some things that I myself have been thinking about, and some things that I've noticed when talking to people (I know quite a lot of LGBT people in real life) and on EC.

There is what you feel right now, this second, and there is also the sum of all your feelings throughout your life. These two things may always be one and the same, or they may be different. You may have a fixed sexuality, and always be gay, or you might have a fluid one, and pass through gay and straight, or you might be a more straightforward bisexual, always experiencing it the same. But the fact is, you are a lesbian now, and what you are feeling now is as much a part of your "true" sexuality as anything that may come later. You may only like women for the rest of your life; but then you might not. But even if you were, in a few years, to suddenly only like men, in my opinion these present years are as much a true reflection of your "true" sexuality as then. Don't belittle your experiences by seeing them as a phase: they are as much a part of your experience of your sexuality as anything that will come later.

I have been thinking a lot about this myself, and also talking to other people in similar situations, and it seems to me that whilst some people are gay, some are straight, some are bisexual (wherever they may be on the continuum) and some asexual, it seems to me that there are also people who seem to have "fixed" sexualites and those who seem to have "fluid" ones. What I mean by this is that some people seem to have a "fixed gay" sexuality: they are gay and that is that. Whilst some might have, say, a "fixed bisexual" sexuality: that is, they experience their bisexuality in a consistent way throughout their life. It's relatively easy for them to figure out and say "I'm bisexual". Others - and I include myself in this - seem to have a "fluid bisexual" sexuality. This is the sort of bisexuality that can only be discerned over the period of an individual's entire life. What I mean by this, talking about myself only, is that I haven't experienced my bisexuality in the same way throughout my life, so much so that I for many years thought I was straight, and have spent a long, long time thinking that I'm gay. I have had periods where I'm "bisexual" in that I'm attracted to men and women; but I've also had a 5-year period where I seemed to only be attracted to men. During this period I thought my previous period of bisexuality was a phase. But now, I am only attracted to women, and do not know if I will ever be attracted to a man again. I am functionally a lesbian, but even if I never like a man again, my overall life experience will be that of a bisexual. This is in spite of the fact of being almost entirely either straight or gay for long periods of my life. This is just my way of thinking about it - and it might not help - but I felt less confused by thinking this way than waiting for my "true" sexuality to start, or worrying that having come out (which I haven't totally done yet) I'd've got it "wrong", and that I'd figure out my "true" sexuality later on. This is a very long winded way of saying: even if in a few years you were to start liking men and only men (which may not happen), then this period was still part of your life experience and your overall life sexuality, so rather than being that you thought you were a lesbian, it would be that you were a lesbian - if only for this period of time. Does that make sense? I mean, it sounds

You can only know what you are the moment, and what you have been in the past. I mean, you might go for 50 years with the same "sexuality" and then fall for someone of the previously not-preferred gender. That doesn't mean that you were wrong, or that now you're right. You say you feel pretty sure that you are lesbian at the moment. You know what? Then you are - at this very moment, you are a lesbian. If, later on in life, you start to like men - and even if you start to only like men - this experience you have now is still part of your overall life experience of your sexuality. In any case, these are all just words that inadequately describe a whole variety of human emotion, emotions that for many change throughout their entire lives.


But I would also say this: having to say later on "actually I'm straight" or whatever (although I'd preferably say "Well, I was gay then but I'm straight now" as it's a more accurate reflection of your experiences, if this were to happen) isn't actually that bad. It's embarrassing, yes, but if you've come out in the first place I'm sure you could deal with this! I think that you have to have enough confidence in your own ability to interpret your own feelings.

And I'll just say here that for the record that when I was your age, I thought the same thing...and now that I'm nearly 10 years older, I'm still thinking the same thing: What if I come out and then it turns out that actually, I'm straight? It's only now that it's been going on for ages and ages that I'm beginning to think that actually, this probably is my sexuality. And a lot of that is about me having the confidence in my ability to correctly understand my own thoughts and feelings.
 
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