I've been seeing the same man for 16 years and we have sex at least one or two times a week. I still cannot bring myself to say that I'm gay, but the truth is there. We're both masculine. I'm 56, he's 44. I'm white, he's latino. I have to be careful because I tend to have feelings for him but he seems to be with me just for sex. I know i'm his lover and that's all. It's hard to stay that way and wonder if anyone has advice on how to make myself understand that we are just lovers and stop thinking of him as more.
The fact that it has been going on for 16 years already is something. Does his wife really have no idea whatsoever? After such a long time, you definitely have some form of relationship, but also after all this time if he's not left his wife for you, then clearly he's never going to. I'll keep personal judgment about cheating aside (I'm the last person who should judge about the topic anyway) and just say for you emotionally, if you're in love with this man, you're in love with a man who for 16 years has never made a move to make you the person he is with. Your best bet, especially if this is holding you back from happiness in a relationship, is to let go of him entirely and move on.
I've responded to this question somewhere else on the forum but what I wanted to say to you is that from reading your post and what you've mentioned about possibly having feelings for your long term lover...well...I feel that why would he convey his feelings for you if there is something more than just sex if you aren't comfortable or sure about your own sexuality after all of this time??? Furthermore...if you have been seeing him all of these years under the same arrangement ...perhaps he feels there is no need to leave his wife and to leave well enough alone. Also..this is kind of a sore spot for me because I had been approached by a guy who is still married to a woman for over 20 years and he has this double life of hooking up with guys at the gym or going out of town on business trips which gives him proper time to focus on guys at his leisure so to speak. He also have friends who knows about his double life and seems to approve of it. He came on to me very strongly last year and pretended that he was just interested initially in establishing a friendship. However, once he became a stalker and preceded to come on to me and I did not comply..he got really pissed at me and I had to get a restraining order to get him off my back. All the while he was coming on to me verbally, he kept mentioning how much he loves his wife and he will never leave her. I've always wondered if she knew what he was doing behind her back and did not confront him because she has gotten accustomed to the lifestyle that he's provided and with that she probably felt what's not spoken about...stays quiet in order to maintain her life with him. Who knows..but I've lost a lot of respect for him and for his so called friends to condone his behavior. Just my two cents!!!!!
Can you tell me more about your situation? Which one of you are married? My thought here is that you don't have a match. You want more from the relationship than he does. So why continue? My answer gets more complicated if you are married...
Hey elflauta, Like other users said, this has been going for a long time now, and, apparently, the guy isn't interested in something more serious for now. Remember: You are unique, and you are important enough to be treated better than this. The guy is obviously using you as a "secondary" person in his relationships. You deserve better and, as much as it is hard to do this after such a long time, the best thin you can do is to move on and seek a more meaningful relationship. Also, it is worth the reminder: Cheating is never a good thing, regardless if you are the person in a relationship or if you are the the lover. It always generates trouble for everyone involved. For the lover, you are being treated as the secondary person, the person that needs to be hidden, and that is not a good relationship to be in. A good, healthy relationship should be based on honesty and mutual trust. Cheating (or helping someone to cheat) is never a good answer, and it creates unhealthy, unstable and secondary relationships. You deserve something better. Repeating myself: Let go of this guy. This isn't a good relationship for you. You deserve someone that treats you with respect, love and honesty.
