I am in a heterosexual relationship and questioning my sexuality, which is really depressing sometimes, but for the past few months I have been fairly certain that I am capable of being attracted to all genders, and that I would be dating both men, women and none-binary people if I was ever single again. But sometimes I am scared that my attraction to men is less real than my attraction to women - it just feels so different. I get aroused easily by looking at women and I tend to notice women more than men in the street. However, I feel like when I have a connection to a man and like his personality, I sometimes get a lot of thoughts about kissing/touching him, and I start having sexual fantasies. I guess that is a kind of attraction too, but it just feels less visual and less immediate, if you know what I mean. And that makes me scared that I am just attracted to men because of social conditioning. I have actually always thought about myself as a very sexual person, and I have always had a lot of sexual fantasies. They are almost always about men, which is why I have thought of myself as straight for most of my life. Sometimes I consciously decide that I want to fantasize about girls, and I can do that too, but it almost never happens spontaneously. When I read about gay people in straight relationships who have to fantasize during sex, I don't relate, because I have no problem letting go or getting turned on when I have sex with my partner. It is good, even great. I almost never fantazise during sex, and when I do, it's about other men. However, I don't get aroused just by seeing my partner naked - he has to talk dirty, moan or touch me, but then I have no problem getting into it. For most of my life I just thought that I was not that visually attracted, but it turns out that I have a strong visual attraction to women, even though thinking about sex with girls turn me on less then thinking about straight sex! I feel like my sexuality doesn't fit into any box, and I am really scared that it will cause problems for me and my partner in the future. We have had some relationship problems unrelated to my sexuality, and when things are not going well between os I always start questioning. When we are happy I don't really care. Sorry for the rant. Just hope some of you can relate or maybe give me some insights. How do you know if your attractions are real or fake? I will not get mad if you label me, tell me I am in denial or anything - I am just looking for an outside perspective, because I really have trouble figuring this out.
What you experience to men sounds like demisexuality. You can look it up. It basically means you start to desire someone when you like them as a person. And the quick visual thing is more like the common sexual attraction, although a lot of people don't feel it. Ever. Really a lot. I completely get what you mean though. I know I'm into men, because I can experience everything with them, been there, done that, but usually women just look better to me. I'm very confused about my orientation mysrlf.
Sexual attraction is sexual desires toward a specific person. This does not mean that you see a hot stranger and automatically choose to have sex with them (some people wouldn't because It's against their values) BUT you would at least have sexual thoughts about them in your head. Sexual attraction occurs for different reasons. It could be for the person's looks, personality, emotional closeness, etc, whatever. Not all people see a hot person and want to bang them, some people are turned on by the emotional closeness of the person instead, like me. I am not really aroused by women physically, I don't think random women are hot/arousing when I see them in public. For me, the arousal and sexual desire for women has to do with my comfort and emotional attachment toward them. I've been told that I am demisexual, but I prefer to not identify that way. Being a "non-visual lesbian" works fine with me. It sounds you may be that way with men. It really sounds more like you are bisexual, but you have different preferences for arousal toward men and women. A lesbian wouldn't be interested in sex or romance with men at all (although she may physically sleep with men for other reasons). I don't know if It's just social conditioning you feel that way, because as a lesbian myself, I feel the same way for women as you do for men. There is no visual attraction to women, just an emotional connection that creates arousal. With men, I feel nothing. Literally nothing. No visual attraction, and no personality connection that could create an attraction either. That's why I think you might be bi with different gender preferences.
Thank you so much! It really helps to talk to other people, even if it just online. I guess I feel like a bisexual with different preferences for different genders, but I really wish it was more clear-cut. With men I guess I am sort of demisexual, but I don't necessarily need a strong emotional connection to feel attracted. Just an interesting personality, something undefinable that fascinates me or something like that. I have a strong emotional connection with my partner and I don't want to loose him - but sometimes I wonder if I need to experience being with a woman, and it scares me because I want to be monogamous. My only experience with women are kissing when I was really drunk a few years ago. It didn't do anything for me, but I am pretty sure it was because of the context.
Yeah, I think this is true of me too. If my partner just flops onto the bed, that's not enough. Sex should be exciting. So needing more than just the visual is important and doesn't really have much to do with your sexual orientation.
