Okay, so here's the thing, I'm attracted to both guys, girls and other genders (gender doesn't really matter to me), but in different ways. First off I should say that what influences these differences isn't the specific gender but rather the biological sex of the person. I've always been both physically and romantically attracted to guys, I've always had crushes on guys and i've always dated guys; I always assumed I was straight. UNTIL roughly two years ago, when I went to high school in a big city and most of the friends I made were part of the LGBT community (I grew up in a rural village where there was no knowledge about such things). 15 year-old me had never actually had a crush on a girl, but it just occurred to me that I believed I totally had the capability to develop feelings for a girl, it's just I hadn't met the "right" girl yet. So this was when I was just exploring these things. THEN, about six months ago, I developed feelings for a very close girl friend of mine. I'll try to explain how it was. Basically, I already had a somewhat abnormal friendship with her because I got really attached to her really fast. Like, within the first three months of our friendship she became my closest friend, not just at the time being, but in my whole life. But I didn't think anything of it, I just acepted it. Then one day while I was sleeping over at hers and I was in bed next to her, it occurred to me that I could just.... roll over and hug her and even kiss her.... and I liked that idea. I kind of felt nervous and scared then because it was the first time that I had felt that way about a girl, so I tried to ignore the feeling while I was lying next to her. Anyways, sadly she moved away and I'm not planning on asking her out or anything, because I'm scared it would ruin our already-amazing friendship. The thing is, though, my attraction towards her was wayy more emotional and romantic than sexual, which is where it differs from my attraction to guys. my feelings about her was more of a "I love and care about her so much, I want to be as close to her as possible, I could be with her forever", whereas with guys it's more like intense infatuation. Like, I feel like my love for her was deeper than I've ever felt for a guy and way more meaningful, but not as exciting, if you get what I mean. So I've done a ton of research online and I feel like the term biromantic definitely fits me, but I'm not sure what my sexual orientation is. I know that I'm sexually/physically attracted to guys, but at the same time I'm not bothered by sex. Like, it makes no difference to me whether or not sex was included in my relationship with a boyfriend, and sometimes I even womder why I would bother, because it just seems to make things more complicated. When it comes to girls, I don't know. I guess I'm either asexual, or possibly demisexual. I don't know. Based on that, I guess the most appropriate label for my orientation might be biromantic heterosexual? The thing is though, 1) most people who aren't that knowledgeable about the LGBT community don't know what that means, and 2) I'm worried that potential female partners would think that I favour men over women since I have that extra sexual attraction for men so they wouldn't even bother pursuing a relationship with me, when in reality sex makes no difference for me in a relationship. So I'm wondering if, based on everything I've said, I could be considered as bisexual? It's a much more understood term, so if that label did fit me I would prefer using it to "biromantic heterosexual". Ugh anyways I don't know if this makes sense, but if anyone has any thoughts on this, please tell me!!
You know, sometimes labels can be complicated. And sometimes some of us choose to simplify them. For example, I identify as a lesbian. However, if I were to get technical, I'd be demisexual and demiromantic, but only toward women. I only felt sexual attraction to three women (all of which were people I've known for over a year), same with romantic attraction. Otherwise, I relate more to my asexual/aromantic friends. However, I feel no desire to identify as demi. First, a lot of people don't understand what demi even means, and some think It's a "bullshit" label so I cut my chances through this identity. Second, I relate more to the lesbian culture than the asexual culture, and would rather be seen as the former, even though my level of attractions are different (just because I prefer the lesbian community). I feel like a lesbian in general because I have random sex/romance fantasies involving female genitalia in general, and not with men. It's just that It's rare for me to be attracted to individual women specifically. So what I do is say that I'm a lesbian, but it takes a long time for me to be sexually attracted. I find romance and emotional bonds to be sexually attractive, not looks, and not strangers. I also dislike casual sex. In the case of someone like you, I have seen some people identify one of three ways. They either: 1. Use the biromantic heterosexual label, and hope someone understands. 2. Call themselves bisexual, but explain their attractions to women are much different than that of men. 3. Call themselves straight, since they define their sexuality by sexual attractions, and wouldn't bother with a romantic relationship with women anyway since it might not work out. So whatever you want to call yourself works as long as you don't mislead people. Don't make girls think your sexuality matches typical sexuality if it doesn't, but you can still call yourself bi even so. You just have to give more details.
You feel attraction to multiple genders, so many people would consider you bisexual. It's possible to be attracted to different genders at different intensities and in different ways, but still be bi/pan. The thing is, people all have different definitions of what labels mean. The same basis is there (ie, homosexual means "likes same sex") but the precise details vary (ie, some people may define homosexual as "exclusively likes same sex", some may define it as "mostly likes same sex but may have exceptions", etc.). So your orientation not only falls down to what you are attracted to, but also what YOU define the label as. Many people believe that being attracted to men and women in whatever configuration auto-makes you bisexual - others believe that if your attraction to one far outweighs the other, ie 95% to 5%, then someone can call themself gay/straight or homoflexible/heteroflexible or bisexual depending on what they feel fits them. In the same way, you'll need to think of what fits you and what label you're comfortable with if you even want a label. The problem with "X-romantic Y-sexual" definitions is that many people either don't know what they mean or are aware of what they mean but don't believe in it. If you want to define yourself that way because it helps you understand yourself, then go ahead! You could also share that with understanding friends. For the most part, though, it is probably easier to say bisexual since more people will understand it straight away and you won't have to explain yourself constantly. Alternatively you could use queer, if you were comfortable with it, since it's the generic "I am not straight" word. I hope this helps! Also a bit of a note: I don't think it's fair to say that all of your attraction is based on the assigned gender of a person. Many trans people do not at all resemble their assigned gender, and it would make no sense for you to see a trans man who has been on testosterone for 5 years and think "oh yeah, I feel attracted to him as female" since you wouldn't even know he was trans. It's much more likely that you are inadvertantly sorting the trans people that you know are trans into the wrong "gender box" in your head because you are still thinking of them as their assigned gender (this isn't necessarily a bad thing unless you do it on purpose - it's just something that the brain is designed to do to help us understand the world). Just something to think about.
