Hello everyone ! Okay here goes : I'm a 20-year-old woman and I've been questioning my sexual orientation (i.e. whether I'm into women, which I guess would make me bi) for a few years. I feel stuck, though, mostly because I have trouble identifying what I feel for women. I would very much appreciate any thought or advice you guys have to offer. Here's some more context : I'm pretty sure I'm attracted to guys but for a long time being attracted to anyone who wasn't a guy didn't feel like an option. Then towards the end of high school I started having these fantasies about a female classmate of mine (to whom I think I was physically attracted). At first I ignored it but then thought maybe there was something worth exploring there. I started questioning my orientation ; ever since it's mostly been doubt and confusion on that front. Here are some facts you may be able to help me make sense of : • Since that classmate, I've had similar feelings for other girls. • I began to reevaluate what I had felt for girls/women in the past, feelings I had chalked up to admiration or a desire for friendship. And the more I think about it the more I realize they might actually have been crushes. • I remember thinking at age 11 that if I were to fall in love with someone, it would hinge less on their gender and more on who they were as a person. (Then being terrified of what would happen to me if I fell in love with a girl and promptly burying the thought... Yeah, middle school wasn't the most accepting environment). • Speaking of, I also realized I've been checking out girls since middle school. I'd dismiss it as me being envious of their looks or comparing myself to them yet at the same time I'd put a lot of effort into repressing it/forcing myself to look away. • I thought fantasising about women, or being aroused by f/f porn and images of sexy women pointed to me not being straight. However I keep reading this isn't necessarily a good indicator, so I'm not quite sure what to make of it. • I've never been in love, never even dated. I haven't had the slightest interest in romance for most of my life. Nevertheless I tried imagining dating girls and it did feel nice. I think I'd be open to dating men and women (and possibly people of other genders). I can't tell if this means I'm bi or something else, or just a straight girl who doesn't understand how feelings work. It doesn't help that I have zero relationship and sexual experience (and a very low sex-drive). What do you guys think ? Does anyone have similar experiences ? Any advice to figure out my sexual orientation ? Thanks in advance !
You seem to have a lot of feelings about women, so it sounds to me like you have attraction towards them. It's true that porn isn't a good indicator - fantasies, however, are a very good indicator. The things that you imagine come from you, and your mind isn't likely to make up something that doesn't arouse you when you're searching for erotic thoughts. I hope this helps!
First of all thank you so much for answering ! This helps. One of my problems is that I'm constantly doubting myself, I keep wondering if what I'm feeling is enough to be considered "real" attraction (which is strange because when I have the same kind of feelings for men I have no problem identifying them as attraction...). So what you said really does help. I'll need to think on it some more, but my mind feels a bit clearer. Thank you again !
I know exactly how you are feeling! I'm a man who is bi, but I've only dated women. My revelation about my sexuality came from many years of doing the exact same questioning as you. It was easy for me to admit my attraction to women, but when I would see a guy I found hot, or when I would fantasize about guys, I always pushed it to the back of mind. Fast forward years later (I'm in my early 30s, in a relationship), I wish I wouldn't have repressed those feelings and I wish I would have been open to exploring things with someone of the same gender. I've come to realize, though, that you don't need to have dated a lot of people or have had a lot of experiences to figure out what you are...just be honest with yourself! If you find both guys and girls attractive and like the idea of dating or being with both, then you are bi. It took me awhile to wrap my head around my feelings, so please know that it's ok if it takes some time to figure out. Meanwhile, go on some dates with girls and see if you have a good time, and do the same with guys. Take it slow and don't feel like you have to rush to figure out your exact identity, that will come with time. I hope this helps!
Hi ! Thank you for replying ! You have no idea how reassuring it was to read the words "I know how you are feeling" and "it's ok if it takes time". I needed it. Thank you. I think I'll follow your advice : try to date girls and guys (if i figure out how, I'm kind of clueless when it comes to dating) and see where it goes. Give myself time. Do you suppose there is a way to do that without my family and friends finding out though ? I don't know how some of them would react... Thanks again for your answer, your perspective was very helpful !
Bonjour! At first, it will be easy to make things look "harmless" to your family. Because dates (lower-case 'd') are public things. "Would you like to have coffee/tea etc. and tell me about your recent vacation/job/book?" "Let's go for a walk along the rive gauche." Yes it is hard to be casual when you are starting out, because you care so much about the outcome. Keep trying! But dates like this are easily explainable: I spent time with my friend. Of course later, when a Date might involve being alone together somewhere, that is harder to plan and keep secret. But if you get to that stage it will be progress! Pay attention to how you feel. Excited? Ask yourself "Would I like to live with this person?" "Would I like to take my clothes off with this person?" That will help you decide: straight? bi? gay? All of the above? Bonne chance!
Bonjour ! Thank you for your help ! You're right, it could be passed off as just meeting with a friend at least at the beginning. Also I really appreciate you taking the time to give my socially awkward self dating advice. And if I do get to the Date stage I'll be sure to keep in mind what you've said. Merci encore !
De rien. It makes me feel good to read, so often here, how the "kids" (I am not anymore )are honest with themselves, and less afraid. Things are improving! Other things, like dating, have been the same for like forever. À bientôt!
