Ok. Here's my story. Being in my mid 40's I've been questioning my sexual preference since high school. It started off as brief thoughts and inklings that I quickly dismissed. As I moved on to college the inklings progressed to fantasies. I started looking at gay porn and experimented with an anal toy or two. All the while, my interests would ebb and flow. Sometimes I wouldn't have a same sex thought for six months to a year. I was ok with that, because I most definitely didn't want to be gay. I wanted /want to be Hetero. You know, fit in with a girl friend and then a wife. But inevitably, the gay thoughts/fantasies would return. Each time with a little more strength. Eventually I had a drunk hook up. Then another. Then I got a quasi regular guy to hook up with. The sex was exciting. But as soon as I climaxed, I was immediately overcome with the dreaded feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment. This pattern continued. I eventually got married. I thought that being married would somehow "fix" my issue. Or, at least, keep me honest. It did for a while. But, the urges returned and I continued my closeted path of gay hook ups. I'm not proud of my actions. I know I cheated on my wife and kids and I have to live with that. But now I'm trying to figure me out. Better late than never, I suppose. Needless to say, my marriage ended. She found out. We tried to work it out. Therapy started for me. But, there was too much pain. The trust was broken. And we divorced. I stayed with the therapy. Here's what therapy has brought so far. My therapist doesn't think I'm gay. She thinks that I'm escaping emotional pain from my childhood. Parents divorced early on and I lived with my mom. Dad wasn't around much and mom was jaded. She bashed my dad a lot and said things like "all men are assholes." On top of that, when my dad was around, I seemed to never please him. My therapist theorizes that subconsciously I believe I will never be able to please a woman (not just sexually) and I'm still trying to please my dad. So, I reach out to men and sexualize my pain to make it tolerable. To support that, my pattern of having sex during my marriage was that it always happened in times of stress. I've been observing my behavior and that holds true. Through the ups and downs of divorce, I found my escape pleasure in having sex with men. Each time it was followed up with shame and guilt. I've always had a problem with self confidence. I've always tried to do what I thought should be done. Not what I wanted to do. I see now that I've missed out on a lot that life has to offer. Looking back, I question my attraction to women. Am I just following a societal norm that I learned at an early age? I've always conformed. I go back and forth. One minute I'm positive I'm gay. I admit it to myself. In that instance, I feel a sense of tremendous relief. Then my tide switches and I feel 100% sure that I'm straight. I wonder if these are the natural progression of feelings that one goes through in their realization that they're gay. I also wonder if I'm really just confused. Or, is it possible that I had a rough child hood AND I'm gay. Also I'm aware of the possibility of me being bisexual. I'm aware of the Kinsey scale. Rather than trying to be honest with myself and try to admit I prefer both, I've looked at my behavior over the past 2 years. Sex has been primarily with men and masturbation fantasies have been mostly gay. Porn has been 90% gay. The Hetero fantasies and porn I've engaged in has been humiliation and cuckold themed. To make matters worse, I'm a bit of a head case. I over analyze everything. I read into my behaviors. I'm trying hard to let go. Thus my handle, "Justletgo." That's been really hard for me. Lately, I've been trying to just "be." I'm trying to not think about sex and find what makes me happy as a person. It's been tough but I'm getting there. I'm hoping to get some peace of mind and be able to accept myself for whoever I am. One step at a time. I welcome any input that you might have. No comment will be too blunt.
I think if you want to know if you are gay you need to look more at the emotional side of things. Do/have you ever had romantic feelings for men? Are you still romantically attracted to women? Also, your sexual and romantic orientation don't have to match up. Also, if you were to be bi, that doesn't mean you have to like both genders the same, you can have a preference.
