So here's my story. I'm in my mid 40's and have questioned my sexual orientation since high school. I've had sex with men. I've thoroughly enjoyed it too. The problem is that almost every time, the second I cum, I immediately have those feelings of regret, shame, and self hatred. I call it my sexual tide. When it's in, I'm horny and feeling very into men. I can justify very clearly that I'm gay. It feels right. But the second I cum, those justifications are gone and then I can make just as strong a case for me being straight. It's so confusing. Further, sometimes my gay "tide" comes in and out with no sex. It's really confusing to be so sure of myself one minute, then feel completely opposite another. Therapy has revealed a lot. I have a self confidence problem. Also I've got some emotional baggage. My parents divorced at an early age and my mom was pretty jaded. She bashed my dad a lot and said anti men things a lot, like "all men are assholes." Plus my dad wasn't around much. And when he was, I never seemed to get his approval. My therapist thinks that I'm not gay but that I'm escaping emotional pain. I'm unable to be comfortable around women because I'll inevitably hurt them (she theorizes) and I'm still trying to please my dad so I try to please other men. I've learned to sexualize my pain and make it enjoyable by having sex with men. That's a great theory and it makes sense, but I'm not at peace with it. Knowing that doesn't seem to help me. I'm still lacking confidence. The more I work at Improving myself, the more I'm drawn to having sex with men. I try to entertain the idea of dating men and possibly having a romantic relationship, even living with a man. But, I don't take that too far. I'm not sure if it's because I don't want a relationship with a man or if I'm in denial about being gay and I'm afraid of that. This dilemma is taking its toll. I'm depressed. I'm over analyzing everything to death. My therapist doesn't think I'm gay. Normally that would be all the reassurance I need and I'd be good. But something isn't sitting well with me. I'm not thrilled about the possibility of being gay. I know a person can't hide from their true self. I'm divorced and split time with kids. I live in a smaller community and have a job where being a gay man would be difficult. All of this suggests I'm in denial. But I do crave a relationship with a woman. I fear that could just be social conditioning from an early age. I could go on and on. I'd love the insight from someone who has similar feelings.
Well I don't have the amount of wallpaper that your therapist has, but the default explanation for having sex with men is that you're aroused by them. Yes, there are alternative explanations I can think of, which make your therapist's interpretation (which is based on a lot more information than I have) plausible. You don't believe it either, do you? Don't think it's so unusual for Mr. Spock to slide that lever and beam you down to StraightPlanet the moment you cum. That happens a lot more than you think. And just for the reasons you described. In quite a few years, I've known two or three guys who did the same thing. It was always based on shame, guilt, and remorse. But not enough of any of those to convince them to stop. I'm sure it took a huge toll. A lot of us are in the closet, at least part of the time. I won't give you any hypocritical lecture about that. But one thing that you need, to start to be happy, is to take that fearless inventory of yourself, and decide to accept what you find or, as appropriate, work on changing it. Plenty of people have figured out you can't "cure" being attracted to males, so if the inventory finds that, please try to make peace with yourself over it. As for work, or anywhere else, you're not obligated to do anything you don't want to. Being honest with yourself though, is the escape from self-destruction. I think you've described it quite well. I think you have the answer.
Thank you. You are right. I don't believe my therapists explanation. I want to. A Hetero life is way easier. But looking at my behavior. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... I really appreciate your honesty, faustian.
Thank you. Whatever you do, please be kind and gentle to yourself. At times like this, you're kind of your own big brother. Once you have things sorted out with yourself, I'm pretty sure you'll feel better about yourself, whatever happens.
So here's my million dollar question. I've been reading posts on here for two days. I've posted my story and read other people's stories. I'm seeing an overwhelming amount of support. Basically don't fight who you are. I believe that. I really do. In this moment, as I write, I'm confident that I'm gay. I do have some attractions to women so technically I might be bi. But being completely honest, almost all of my thoughts and tendencies are toward men. But.... I know the next time I cum. Whether it be through masturbation of through sex, I know my self attitude will not be that I'm gay but that I'm Hetero and confused. I may or may not have the negative feelings of self doubt, self hatred, shame, etc. But, I do know that I'll doubt my orientation. This frustrates me. Sexual release is natural. It's supposed to feel good. I want to feel good about myself after. It's easy for me to accept my homosexuality when I'm horny. It's after the fact that I immediately doubt it. This is frustrating. I want to be able to lay in in post coital bliss. Not sprint for the door with doubt and shame.
I have a bit of a novel suggestion in this regard. It's a bit counter-intuitive, but maybe it will help. Is there some way you can make a platonic gay friend, and develop that friendship over time? It makes sense to me, that when you see the gay person beyond just the sex part, and realize that there are more dimensions to the concept than just sex, it might help you be more open with yourself about it. Of course I know that you get all of this intellectually, it's rather the emotional belief that seems to be a challenge. Also, I'm not sure what kind of sex you're having with people, but it probably is with people you don't know that well, and it could be rather transactional in nature. If it had a more "intimate" aspect to it, perhaps that would be a direction to go in. I could be wrong about this assumption, but in any case I think basically making one or more platonic gay friends might offer some long term benefit.
Dude, it sounds like your therapist has their nose a bit to far up Freuds backside if you ask me. About feeling guilt/shame after you've had sex with a man: of course you do. If you're in a place where you don't feel OK about having sex with men then that's how you're gonna feel. Internalised Homophobia. As easy as that. I don't know your story, I'm sure there's bagage and reasons and whatever. But having your therapist tell you if you're gay or not is just bullshit. That is not for a therapist to have an opinion about - totes unprofessional! Sorry about being so blunt, but damnit, that therapist of yours pissed me off.
Thanks for the info and opinions. No apologies. We're all trying to better ourselves here. I've taken done advice and I'm trying a non sexual route. I joined a few MeetUp groups for gay men. I want to meet some gay men and gang out without sex being the only topic of conversation. I think that'll tell me a lot. As far as my attractions. I ebb and flow. There are days where women do nothing for me. Then, just when I'm convinced I'm 100% gay, I'll see a woman in just the right way and Bam! Part if my problem is that I'm OCD. I analyze everything. Lately I'm really trying to just let thoughts come in and then go out without perseverating on them. Perhaps I'm bi. In my OCD struggle for answers, 100% gay or 100% straight would be easiest. For some reason, the black and white label feels better to me. Although, I haven't ruled out the possibility that I might be bi. It's a journey. I'm trying to enjoy it.
