1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't know if I am gay or bisexual? Going through a really confusing time...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confusedjoe, Oct 26, 2016.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. confusedjoe

    confusedjoe
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2016
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan (MI)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I am a 24 year old male and I am JUST starting to question my sexuality. I am going through a really confusing time in my life and could use some advice.

    I grew up around homophobic family and friends, so I never ever bothered to question whether I was anything but straight. I had crushes on girls and fantasized about having sex with them as a youth, so I always thought to myself I was unquestionably straight. I dreamed of having a wife and a family.

    However, I also did have crushes on boys, as well as sexual fantasies and dreams. I always blew it off, however, and argued to myself that "Everyone is like this, of course I'm not gay." I always repressed any feelings towards guys. When I heard that homophobic people were likely to be gay, I even changed my personality to make it seem that I was not homophobic (even though I was) so that people wouldn't think I was gay.

    I have had a girlfriend now for a long time. I do love her, I am attracted to her, and I enjoy our sex. I've spoken to her a lot about my homophobias and she's encouraged me to make peace with it. In doing so, I've started to see guys in a different light and I've felt an immense attraction towards men that I have never felt with girls. It's intense and passionate. My fantasies have become almost exclusive to guys nowadays.

    With girls, it's never romantic or emotional anymore. It's always just a "visual" thing. I think they look good. HOWEVER, what REALLY confuses me is the fact that when they are in bikini and lingerie, I get aroused and I start to question my sexuality. I feel like I could be bisexual. They look appealing in their bikini and lingerie... I'm not sure if it's the girl herself or just the clothing that I like. But anyways, I do get aroused. BUT... When they get naked, I immediately lose my arousals and I am back to feeling 100% gay. I am not into vagina (no offense). I don't care for naked boobs. It's just when they are in their appealing clothes. I don't really want to have sex with women since I don't like vagina, but sex is sex to me and sex feels good. It would just be for the sex, not the actual experience. The only exception is my girlfriend, where we have great sex but I feel like it's because I love her and have been with her for so long.

    With men, I've never noticed how good looking they were in the past. My attraction to men has become visceral and intense. I used to HATE muscles and hairy bodies. Now, since dropping my homophobias, I can't stop looking at men. I desire not only a sexual encounter with a man, but also a passionate, romantic connection. With guys, it doesn't feel like it would be sex for just sex. I would be in it for the entire experience. EVER SINCE I STARTED REALIZING MY ATTRACTION TO GUYS, MY ATTRACTION TO GIRLS HAVE DECREASED TREMENDOUSLY.

    Also, the next confusing thing is that I DO love my girlfriend. While I prefer men to women in general, I prefer my girlfriend to any men. We got together years ago, and we were best friends for many, many months before dating, so our love was built on a real connection. She has been extremely supportive of me even though I am always flip flopping from bisexual to gay. If we were to break up, I wouldn't date another girl. I would definitely look for a guy. She is the only girl that I will date.

    I just hate this whole confusion, and I don't know why it took me so long to realize these feelings for men. Most of my friends that are gay have realized their feelings when they were really young.

    Obviously I'm still afraid of being bisexual or gay because of my fear of being chastised. I always use nonsensical excuses to not be gay, like, "Oh, I don't find every guy in the world attractive, I must not be gay." Or "I find that girl pretty, I must be straight."

    SUMMARY: I have deep feelings of attraction to men that I only realized at 24 years old. I get turned on by girls only in bikinis and lingerie, but don't care to have sex with them. With girls, it seems shallow and superficial. With guys, it's visceral and deep. But then again, I have a girlfriend who I love and I am attracted to. It's easy to say I'm bisexual but it doesn't feel completely right with me...

    Is it really possible to only realize gay feelings in your 20's?

    Has anyone had any similar experiences? Any advice would be appreciated.
     
    #1 confusedjoe, Oct 26, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2016
  2. DAFriend

    DAFriend
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2016
    Messages:
    327
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arkansas
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Joe,

    Maybe it's the clothes, would a drag queen in lingerie or a bikini turn you on as much or maybe even more than a girl?

    I don't know a gay man alive that doesn't see beauty and sensuality in women but, that doesn't meant they aren't gay or that they want to have sex with women, just that they have a good eye for beauty and sensuality in any gender.

    It's also possible to have differing romantic ans sexual orientation. One of my good friends is panromantic, homosexual. Homoromantic, bi or pan, or even hetero sexual is possible too.

    LGBTQ isn't JUST LGBTQ, it's the whole rainbow in between the letters too and, we humans are incredibly good at mixing and matching. Sure the majority have matching romantic and sexual orientations but, not all of us.

    Yes it can be really confusing when you mix and match. don't try to cram yourself into one box, just see who you are and go with it, even if you seem to be the only one, odds are you aren't.
     
    #2 DAFriend, Oct 26, 2016
  3. Italyguy

    Italyguy
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Italy
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I am too new to be taken very seriously, but I will try to respond anyway. I can say that I consider myself bi even though vaginal sex was never really appealing to me. I couldn't even force myself to do it the first couple of times I tried. I basically had to mentally train myself to like it or just close my eyes and fantasize about other stuff. I don't think just because someone is not as attracted to a particular sexual behavior, it means they cannot have strong sexual and romantic feelings for someone of that particular gender. For example, I don't think you have to be super into anal to be really into a guy. Don't let sexual acts define who you are. It seems acceptable for straight people to see themselves as straight even if they never had a sexual experience or if their strongest fantasies do not involve someone else's dick or vagina.

    Edit: I am in my 30s and I repressed the hell out of my feels for close to twenty years. So, yes to your last question.

    fun analogy
    If you just learned how to hammer; everything you see starts to look like a nail. If you just learned how to use a screwdriver; everything you see starts to look like a screw. A comfortable (bi) handyman learns when to use both of them :icon_wink.
     
    #3 Italyguy, Oct 27, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2016
  4. CubbieBlue

    CubbieBlue
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It is definitely possible to realize in your 20's. It took me until my 30's to realize I'm bisexual. I was, and sometimes still am confused. It's only been 2 years for me, but in that time I do comfortably say that I'm bi. At first I wasn't in a rush to label myself. I struggled with that. Maybe the labels don't work for you. If you feel strongly attracted to men, that's okay. If you only get turned on by women in sexy clothes, that's okay too. I don't think it means you don't like them. But it could. There's no rush to figure it out. At 24, you're still very young. And you have time to figure things out. From the sounds of it, you also have a supportive best friend and girlfriend. Good luck and welcome to the forum
     
    #4 CubbieBlue, Oct 27, 2016
  5. confusedjoe

    confusedjoe
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2016
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan (MI)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey, thanks for your response. I understand, I don't allow anal sex to be my marker to call myself gay. But also because I AM more attracted to the whole male persona in general. Why do you consider yourself bisexual?
     
    #5 confusedjoe, Oct 28, 2016
  6. Italyguy

    Italyguy
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Italy
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    For me, certain people (men, women, somewhere in between) have a kind of affective appeal in terms of romance, fantasy, and arousal. It seems to manifest differently mattering the gender identifiers of the person. I think these deep emotional responses were already there from when I was very young but I didn't have a clue that they were any different than the heteronormative culture. When I was made aware of the differences, I tried different ways of coping that eventually led to repressing certain feelings and fantasies while fostering others to match dominant social norms. I acknowledge that I don't know how much of my attraction to the opposite sex is socially constructed and how much is innate. I am sure some of it is a social construct but I am reluctant to say all of it. Intellectually I want to know, but I am not sure it really matters in the end. In the end, I am just looking for peace.
     
    #6 Italyguy, Oct 29, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2016
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)