Is it possible to be asexual but still have a sex drive? I'm turned on by smutty writing; I have sexual fantasies and all that. But when I picture MYSELF having sex...idk, I feel really sick and repulsed by it. When I do have sexual fantasies, I picture two other people (usually two gay guys), not myself. These feelings seem to be rather fluid, too. One day I've got a desire for the whole nine yards, the next I can't even stand the things that normally turn me on. Is it "just a phase" or does it mean something?:help:
Yes, that is possible, as is autosexual, meaning you have libido and, you want to do something sexual but, only if you do it alone, possibly with toys. There is also demisexual - you need the emotional connection to be aroused, the emotional is what arouses and attracts you. With the writing I suspect that might be the case, it's the emotional build up and connection of the characters that does it for you, not the actual act of sex. Nothing wrong with either of those, or being asexual with a libido, yeah the idea of sex is cool but, the idea of actually doing it is not cool at all and, you aren't attracted to people or animals or anything, you're attracted to the idea, or the scenario you mind can create. Nothing wrong with that either.
Asexual people can still have a sex drive - there is a biological aspect to us that means our bodies become aroused, sometimes for no real reason or sometimes to certain stimuli (such as porn, someone we find sexually attractive, a fetish, etc.). There are many asexual people who will masturbate or watch porn; the difference is that they don't feel an attraction towards the people in the porn or the people in what they fantasise about. Some asexual people do prefer to completely abstain from sexual activity of all kinds, including masturbation, but again this doesn't necessarily mean that they don't have a sex drive there. It'd be good to note that people of different orientations can feel disgusted by sex or not want to do certain acts/any acts at all, not just asexual people. The main thing that you should focus on in regards to if you are asexual or not is your attraction towards other people. Do you feel attraction at all? Not necessarily the feeling that you want to have sex with them (VERY few people will walk down the street, see someone attractive, and immediately want to leap into bed - this idea is just a product of the developing "casual sex" culture) but that you find physically attractive and possibly would want to have a relationship with. You also didn't mention your age, but if you're 15 or younger it'd be good to keep in mind that there are a fair amount of people who don't feel attraction or a desire for a relationship until they are in their mid to late teens. I also had a few friends who told me sex was gross up until year 10/11 (around about ages 16-17) and then during the last couple of years of secondary school they began to pair off or talk about their crushes and about all the "nasty little things" they had done recently. There is absolutely no harm in identifying as asexual if you feel it fits you, though - some kids genuinely are asexual and genuinely do know it. If attraction starts to develop at some point, that's absolutely fine, and if it doesn't, that's still fine. It's about what is comfortable for you and what you feel fits.
Technically yes, but It's directed at masturbation and not toward others. Asexuality is the lack of attraction to other people.
If you're using the widely accepted definition of asexuality, rather than the crowdsourced definition used by a tiny-but-loud group of people (with no research, no consistency, and nothing to ground the definition to), then no, what you are describing would not fit the definition. Asexuality as widely understood and accepted is as much a sexual orientation, and just as hardwired, as homo and heterosexuality. People who are asexual simply feel no sexual attraction at all, no arousal, no desire. This is a permanent, hardwired trait that does not vary over time. So what you're describing doesn't fit that definition. What you are describing is far more likely a byproduct of your own experiences and is a conditioned response rather than a hardwired one. As such, it wouldn't match the widely accepted definition. "Autosexual" is an invented term that isn't credibly accepted by anyone except, perhaps, kids on Tumblr. Same with "demisexual"... that actually refers to something that fits well within the normal range of ordinary human sexual expression. So, to answer your question, it is overwhelmingly likely that what you're experiencing isn't so much a phase, as a psychological perception likely based on either early family-of-origin issues or more recent experiences. If you're on any sort of psychoactive medication (antidepressants, antianxiety, etc), or if you have a history of depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, those are common causes for the symptoms you're describing. At the end of the day, you can choose any label you want to describe yourself -- I can be unicornsexual if I want -- but if you would like the label to actuallly mean something, and be useful to you in describing yourself to others, then the asexual label would probably not be an accurate representation of what you truly are. Most likely, you're simply hetero, homo or bisexual, and still discovering yourself.
I don't agree with Chip at all. Like at all. I find it very disrespectfully written and I'm surprised a Forum Administor writes in that way. I'm disappointed, since Chip has said other good things in other threads :-( My opinion is, as someone who knows what it's like to feel these feelings: sexualities aren't hardwired and rigid. Everyone doesn't fit into these neat four (or three!) boxes, there is a reason the LGBT-community is called rainbow - it's very versatile, and have all the right to be that. At AVEN, the biggest asexual resource online, the definition of asexual is "not feeling sexual attraction towards anyone", and I think it's a very good definition, because no matter your own sex drive and if you masterbate or not - you don't fit any other category (gay/straight/bi) if you lack the sexual attraction bit. Then there's literally no box other box than asexual for you. And instead of having nowhere to belong to, and being told you're broken, I think it's very handy to talk about sexuality as a spectrum from asexual to sexual. There are asexuals with no libido, and those with libidos. There are asexuals who likes to read erotica and get turned on by the fantasies, but would rather move to Mars than to do any of it in person. There are people who might have felt sexual attraction earlier, but not certain, or very weak, or only once in their whole lives, and those people also belong somewhere on the asexual Spectrum in my opinion. ImperfectWorks5: My tip is to read up about aegosexuality, it might fit you. Was spot on for me. And go to AVEN or other places where there are many asexuals, and see if there are people having similiar feelings as you do. If you are under 20 though I'd keep a very open heart about asexuality, since hormons and stuff may not be fully balanced yet. But if these feelings are strong and stable for a long time - yes, you might very well be asexual. Lastly, I think everyone, of any sexuality and age, should be open to things changing. Maybe you meet that one person, maybe events make you relize things you didn't know before. Labels are just words, sometimes very useful words when we feel alone and misunderstood, but still just words. The important thing is that we are okay with ourselves and how we work.
Have to say that I agree with you. I'm a lesbian, but I'm aroused by M/M erotica. Does that make me straight or bisexual? No, because I wouldn't ever sleep with a man, kiss one, or date one. I'm also not attracted to the men in the porn. What I'm attracted to is the scenery and the acts, which are less bothersome than lesbian porn (which is not for lesbians at all)..... If a man raped me, I might get aroused. Does that mean I enjoy being raped? No, it just means I had a bodily reaction. So I can see why asexuals could be physically aroused but still feel no attraction. Having a physical libido is normal for most people....but if you don't like any genders, what other sexuality would you be? The only thing I disagree with is your last sentence. There do in fact, exist people with rigid and hardwired sexualities. They are about 10% of the population, and they include me as well. I don't like being told I need to open my mind to genders I don't like anymore than a straight man likes being told he needs to have gay sex to make others happy. In a way sexuality is a lot like pizza. Some people love pizza. Some people hate it. Some people used to hate pizza, but eventually learn to like it. Some people will never like pizza no matter how much you think they should. And forcing pizza down the throats of people who identify themselves as "not interested in eating it" will just make them feel angry and disrespected to the point that they hate/dislike pizza to a greater intensity.
I'm sorry you disagree. What I'm stating are the facts of what those who work with, study, and analyze sexuality and sexual orientations think. There's another viewpoint, voiced by a small-but-loud minority of people (AVEN included) who base their belief entirely on opinion, with no credible research to back anything up. In fact, the few (crappy) studies that AVEN cites even acknowledge that a majority of people who identify as asexual also have the co-occurring conditions (anxiety and depression primarily) that suppress sexual desire. This is true. Sexual orientation is on a spectrum from straight to gay, and within those spectrums, people have high or low sex drives. Using the widely-used definition, If they have none at all, and meet the other criteria, then they are asexual, and that, just like heterosexual and homosexual, is a hardwired trait. And unfortunately, none of their information is based on any solid research. And if you ask, you'll actually get a million variants on that definition and who fits it, which is where the problem lies. If a word is to have any real reference point, there has to be consistency on meaning. Or... you can simply recognize that sexual desire and attraction is a very wide spectrum within the existing sexual orientations, that many people who are hetero or homosexual have very limited sexual attraction, and that those people, to the extent they still have attraction, are part of the regular spectrum of sexual orientation, no special label needed. Sure. And the majority of those who don't feel sexual attraction, according to the (crappy) studies referenced by AVEN, have a co-occurring issue that is likely to be causing the symptoms they are experiencing. This, in turn, means the sexual orientation is a symptom or byproduct, rather than a hard wiring, and can be addressed and resolved. True asexuality cannot. I'm sorry, but that is COMPLETELY bogus and not recognized by anyone except, perhaps, Tumblr and AVEN. If we're going to go there, we might as well recognize unicornsexual. Ultimately, anyone can choose whatever label they want, including unicornsexual or aegosexual. But if we want labels that actually have any meaning (and ones where the words make any sense to anyone else), it makes sense to use labels that are widely accepted, or at least, if not widely accepted, have some solid basis or grounding in which to root them. I do agree with the last point: Anyone under 20 or so is likely to see a lot of shifts in sexual arousal, drive, and attraction, so choosing any label about the presence or lack of sex drive is often not helpful... EC is full of stories of people who labeled themselves asexual and later regretted the years they spent not exploring relationships and attractions because of the label they'd stuck themselves with.
ImperfectWorks5, you sound a lot like me. I agree with Creativemind here, but Chip has a point. For awhile I thought I was asexual for the same exact reasons you do: can be repulsed by sex, don't want sex with people, can't even imagine it with someone, has fantasies, into erotica, but sometimes flat out hates erotica. It took a lot of time, study, honest reflection, feedback (both ugly and kind), and very close and affectionate friendship to realized there was heavy denial going on. Even then it wasn't until after I accepted it that I began feeling, without a doubt, sexual desire. I still don't fully understand myself or my sexuality, but I know for sure I experience same-sex attraction. I'm not going to say you aren't or can't be asexual. I think it's possible and I don't believe porn/arousal necessarily indicates attraction. It's also still possible there could be more going on underneath it all than you're aware of. So I would urge you to consider and keep an open mind that your sexuality could be repressed or deafened for various reasons. You don't have to have everything figured out right now. Keep an open mind, but don't stress over it.
