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Please help me! Depression/anxiety with gender identity and sexual orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by p123, Oct 30, 2016.

  1. p123

    p123 Guest

    Hello Everyone,

    I really need your help. This is going to be a long post so please hear me out. I also posted on a mental health forum but I feel like I could get some insight from this forum as well.

    So, the first time I felt anxiety and had negative thoughts I was 11 years old (22 now). One day in the summer I woke up and had the thought that I should kill myself. I didn't know where this thought had come from and I had never had a thought like that before. I told my mom later that day when she got home from work. She told me that she suffered from depression and anxiety and took medicine for it; I hadn't known any of this. She was very understanding and took me to a therapist as soon as possible. At this time, some OCD like behavior was beginning to manifest in my life along with the anxiety/depression. I had a life-threatening tree nut allergy at the time (It has declined and I no longer am at risk of anaphylaxis), and whenever we went out to eat I felt the need to wipe down my table and seats with a sanitation wipe, and sometimes I refused entirely to eat at a restaurant that had tree nuts or the hint of tree nuts on a menu. For relevance, I had one anaphylactic reaction when I was 8 years old and had to go to the emergency room. I had not eaten nuts at the time, but had eaten a sandwich that had been made by a worker who used their hands to put walnuts on a salad and didn't wash them. Anyways, I went to a therapist when I was 11 and she talked to me about OCD and unwanted negative thoughts like the one I had previously had about suicide. I did cognitive behavioral therapy with her and started on antidepressants at the time, and it all proved very helpful. I did not have any major issues again until I got into high school (I had some minor bouts of depression but they subsided with positive thinking).

    I turned 15 during the summer before I started high school. I started to feel kind of weird at this time. I was "talking to" (my generation's lingo for texting/flirting) this girl at the time. She was a very attractive girl and had a great personality, but I did not feel an emotional connection to her. This was odd to me because I had thought of myself as straight up until this point but then began to have doubts. Also, that summer, I had been watching a comedy movie, and there was a scene that briefly showed a woman's breast. I did not feel very sexually aroused by it. It was so long ago that I don't remember if I got an erection or not, but I remember feeling anxious and like something was wrong (I had always been completely sexually attracted to women up until that point, so I was confused). Towards the end of that summer, I auditioned for the play Beauty and the Beast at a local theater. I had started doing theater in 6th grade and enjoyed it very much. I was cast for a part in the play, and was transitioning from middle school to a new high school at the time. I was very concerned that people would find out I was in a Disney musical and would think I was gay. I was highly insecure about it. Also, there was a guy in the play that I felt attracted to physically. It was odd because I had never had homosexual/homoromantic thoughts before. However, he quit his role after the first read through so I didn't get to know him at all, I can't even remember his name. I just remember feeling anxiety when seeing him. Anyways, I did all the rehearsals and shows of the play over the course of 2-3 months or so, and not much changed in my
    life during that time.

    During this beginning time at my new high school and the time I was in the play, I had not developed any crush on a girl at my new school, and there were some pretty great girls there. I didn't really think about it much at the time, it didn't really bother me or seem like a big deal. It is only now in hindsight that it seems significant. I found out from some friends that this girl in our grade liked me. She and I were sort of friends but I had no idea previously. Everyone told me she was great and my family really liked her and her family (she was on the volleyball team with my sister so they knew one another). I didn't really have feelings for her and I didn't really know why. It was different from not liking a particular girl but knowing you like girls. But anyways, I went with it due to insecurity and everyone's encouragement around me. We went out on a date and then I asked her to be my girlfriend (silly, I know, we were freshmen in high school). The date had gone well if you were observing from the outside, but something just felt off to me inside. Anyways, we dated for about 2 months.

    During our time of dating I was sexually attracted to this girl. We didn't do anything sexual though really. I think the most physical thing we did was make out/kiss one another's neck. This made me feel aroused along with the smell of her and being pressed up against her. However, we didn't do anything more physical than that. I think I didn't push to do anything else with her because I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to break up with her. I remember after about 3-4 weeks of our 2 month relationship I cried and thought to myself and also said to myself aloud "What have I done? I am going to hurt this really kind girl." It was extremely upsetting to me and was a traumatic experience. It sounds dramatized now but it was extremely traumatic/stressful for me at the time and really affected me negatively (I was extremely empathetic in my childhood, I hope to still be). I eventually ended it with her. It was over the course of our 2 month relationship that I began to feel disconnected from myself and that is when things really went downhill.

    I became disconnected from my emotions and my identity and started living in my head at this time. For example, if something good happened in my life, I would not feel happy but I would deduce logically that I should feel happy and would tell myself to smile. It was like I was thinking in sentences/narrating my life robotically. I have trouble waking up and remembering what I did yesterday. Also, for example, I could watch a movie and tell you what happened but not tell you if I liked it or how I felt while watching it. Not having emotional connections to things made it difficult to make memories and live in the moment. It was like and is still like I don't care about anything which makes me extremely sad. At least, I want to feel sad. Sometimes I can dwell on things enough and cry and that makes me feel good because it makes me feel like a person again and not a robot. My best times are when I am crying and depressed, which sucks. I don't know if I turned off/ disconnected from my emotions because I was so traumatized by hurting this girl (it sounds silly but it was huge for me) or if it was because I was trying to deny being attracted to men. I am still like this today which is what brings me to this forum. I will continue with my high school story.

    A couple weeks after breaking up with this girl I went to see a counselor. I did meditative therapy with this counselor. It was helpful in the sense that with extreme concentration and effort I was able to zone out for a while and get out of my head, but as soon as my mind drifted back to reality I was in my head again. It was helpful in that I was able to get out of my head, but I was not able to reconnect with my identity. When I refer to my identity, I mean the person I was before I disconnected from myself, before about halfway through freshmen year fall semester essentially. In my childhood and through middle school I always felt like a person and not a robot. Anyways, so meditative therapy was a little helpful but not really useful so I stopped going. I told my mom that things were better because I didn't want to waste her money and because I felt no emotions I was apathetic about being stuck in my head and it became my normal. Honestly I don't remember how it is to feel alive. So I went on the remainder of my freshmen year and summer before sophomore year flirting with the girl I had dated because I was interested in her sexually and in a way she represented a bridge to my old life/identity. Essentially, I knew her before I disconnected from myself and that was important for me to hold onto. We ended up dating again my sophomore year and we dated for about 9 months or so. This time around we were extremely physical. We ended up having sex the summer before our junior year of high school; it was maybe 5-10 times total. It's like throughout our relationship I knew in the back of my mind that we were going to break up eventually because of my lack of feelings for her and lack of feelings for everything in my life. I tried to explain it to her and that it wasn't her fault but it didn't go very well. I was trying to explain that I had no feeling in my life for anything, that I felt like a robot basically, and why I didn't have true feelings for her. I genuinely cared about her, I was just so lost at the time and felt apathy for everything.

    After breaking up, I talked to another girl for a little while a couple of weeks later. I wanted desperately to feel something in my life, especially to have feelings for a girl. I kind of knew at the time that this would be hurtful to my ex girlfriend but it was like my desire to convince myself I was straight was greater than my empathy at the time. Also, I was not heartbroken over her the way she was over me since I hadn't had 100 percent genuine romantic feelings, only superficial robotic thoughts in my head that I had been in love with her. My thoughts were not connected to my emotions or conscience, in a sense. Anyways, I talked to this other girl for a few weeks but had no genuine feelings for her either. I was unsure if it was because I was gay or because I had no emotions or true human connections in my life or both. We kind of just fizzled out. My ex girlfriend and I continued to on again off again date for the remainder of junior year. I really did care about her, please believe that. There was a time that year I felt so guilty about everything that I considered taking my own life. I was just desperate to hold onto any familiarity of my old identity and straightness (I still desired her physically, so that lessened my insecurity). We ended up not talking for a long time over the summer between junior and senior year. Then I saw her at a get together toward the end of the summer and I found that I no longer desired her physically. This was frightening to me because my sexual desire for her was one of the main things I was using to convince myself I was straight. Senior year started and things were fine for the most part. I saw her talking to another guy and it made me sad/jealous. She and I ended up having a serious talk couple weeks after that and we started dating again. She said that if we broke up again she would be done.

    We dated from the beginning of high school senior year until the beginning of college junior year. We both attended the university in our hometown so we were not separated for any of this time. We went through some phases during this last time dating where we would have sex and some where we felt it was wrong for religious/spiritual reasons and wouldn't. I never really felt spiritual conviction about it because I didn't care about religion just like how I was in my head and didn't genuinely care about anything in my life. I was disconnected from all things. I wanted to have a relationship with Jesus (I was raised going to church and I have gone to church all my life until just a couple of months ago), but I didn't know if I actually did or not because I was disconnected from my feelings. I'd like to believe that I did and that I still do, but was and am unsure of pretty much everything in my life. During the times we were having sex in this 3 year period I was not really interested or disinterested in it (remember I said at that summer get together between junior/senior year I no longer felt sexual desire for her). I wasn't grossed out by it the way a lot of gay men say they are grossed out by sex with women, but I wasn't really intrigued.

    Some other things happened during this 3 year period of dating. During the spring semester of my freshman year of college I met this guy and felt extremely attracted to him and felt a desire to get to know him like the way you feel when you are romantically interested in somebody (I got crushes on girls until I was about 15 so I can recognize those kinds of feelings for the most part). This launched me into a deep depression and I went to see a counselor. I talked to him a little bit about being attracted to men, but I told my mom after 2-3 sessions that I felt better (which was a lie) so I stopped going. I really just returned to my robotic thought processes and apathy took over again rather than make an effort to connect with myself emotionally and come to terms with the fact I was/am probably gay. I didn't tell my girlfriend any of this, and she didn't find out because she was gone a lot with a university athletics team she was involved with. Spring semester sophomore year we were trying to grow in our faith and were going to this Christian couples seminar thing. I talked to her after one of the sessions about how I was unsure about my sexuality and how I was questioning a lot of things in religion/Christianity altogether. We got in a fight and she wanted to take a break. After maybe 4 or 5 days we talked again and she said that she was fine if I am bisexual and we talked about spirituality and so we continued to date. We dated until just before the start of our junior year of college.

    Before my junior year started academically, I had to return to campus early to train for a job I had taken. I met a girl at my training that I thought I liked, or at least wanted desperately to like. I thought in my head that she is pretty and nice (I can appreciate women's beauty aesthetically similar to the way a straight woman may say another woman is pretty; I kind of use/used my aesthetic observations to convince myself I am attracted to women) and my robotic thoughts took over and I convinced myself I liked her. My girlfriend and I broke up partly because of this and other reasons. It was kind of like a rehash of my junior year of high school when I talked to that other girl for a while, I just wanted to feel something and thought maybe I could by dating another girl. I dated this new girl for almost a year. We weren't very sexual, just mostly touching on the outside of one another's clothes. Sometimes I felt into it but most of the time not. I broke up with her about almost 2 months ago now (I am a senior in college). When I broke up with her I thought that she deserved to know the truth instead of me making up some lie that would hurt her even worse. So I told her about living in my head for the last 7 years and how miserable it was/is, and I told her about being unsure of my sexual orientation. It was hard because as I was admitting this stuff to her I was really admitting it to myself as well. She was extremely supportive and kind (and still is) about everything, which is very helpful. She made sure that I got myself in to see a therapist and that I took some time off from our work (we still work together which is kind of awkward, but I actually don't see her much). I feel extremely guilty about our relationship because it was like my previous relationship where I knew in the very back of my mind/conscience that we were going to break up eventually because of my appreciation of her personality and aesthetic beauty that I kept trying to convince were feelings of a romantic love. A lot of the guilt is because we touched sexually while hiding these thoughts in the back of my mind. I often have the thought "Like, what kind of terrible evil person does something like that to another human being?" It is very degrading of myself. But another thing that makes me feel really guilty is that I will still fantasize about her sexually, even to this day (I believe this is another defense mechanism to deny being gay). Since I have no emotions/feelings and I'm living in my head I basically have no will power. Like, during the day I will think "I am not going to fantasize about her today in that way," but later in the day/evening I will end up doing it anyway (it usually makes me depressed, and if it doesn't then I just feel cold and evil). It's like my thoughts from one part of the day hold no value at another part of the day because there are no emotions or sense of self attached to them. They are more like a constant stream of babbling kind of like the automatic negative thoughts that people with anxiety get, the thoughts that are totally ridiculous but they still pop up in your mind but they don't come from your conscience or true self/sense of self. That is how all my thoughts are. I feel no conviction about anything so my thoughts all feel gray and pointless and all the same, like I'm reading a really boring book in my head. This brings me to where I am today.

    I am seeing a therapist and I am on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication (I never took my medicine consistently after about the time I was 13 or 14; I figured it would not help with being disconnected because I wasn't depressed, I just felt/feel dead inside like I was/am an empty shell of a person). I don't think it has really helped much, and I've been on it now for 2 months. I will probably change either the dosage or the type after the fall semester ends (he said it would be better to not make changes right now). I've told my therapist everything that I just told you all as best as I could. I have been talking to my therapist about my sexuality and confusion and a lot of it arises because I have never felt a desire to have sex with a man. I tried watching gay pornography and I wasn't really aroused by it. I feel like if I was gay then I would easily know by having a strong desire to have sex with a man, but I have yet to experience this. I don't know if it is because I am not sexually attracted to men or because I have never been with a man in an intimate setting and that is maybe what it would take to arouse me sexually rather than pornography (I don't really watch porn, it was more of a test). I wonder if I am what is called a homoromantic/asexual meaning I have romantic feelings for the same sex but not sexual desires. That thought is stressful to me because I worry I will be alone if I am not interested in sex with a romantic partner. Also, in the last couple years or so I have had a strange feeling that maybe I am supposed to have a vagina. I had never considered transgender as a possibility in my life until recently when I decided that I absolutely had to escape my head and get back to a life with emotion and joy and feeling. Being transgender is a scary thought for me as well, because of the general discrimination and challenges it entails. I don't know if I actually am or if it just more anxiety. I also saw something online the other day that said psychopaths are more likely to stay up late at night than other people. This frightened me because I stay up late every night for really no helpful reason. It is like I am afraid of my thoughts and I just don't want to be alone with myself; I'd rather be doing something until I pretty much just pass out. This has made me afraid that maybe I am a sociopath. Because of my lack of emotion I struggle to empathize with people, but I genuinely want to. This thought is very scary to me because I want to care about people and live a fulfilling life. I hope that it is just anxiety and negative thoughts, but right now I am considering anything since I am so disconnected with my identity. Also, being in my head makes me extremely narcissistic because I have trouble listening to other people and therefore caring about what they are saying/ their issues. I do not want to be that way. There is one more thing before I wrap this post up.

    Throughout high school and college I did not have good oral hygiene. This is rooted back in my apathy for life and having no concern for anything, even my personal well being. I got in a habit of falling asleep without brushing my teeth (I know it is gross). When I was in middle school before I disconnected from myself I had a small chip on a tooth once that really wasn't a big deal but I demanded to go to the dentist immediately. Now, my gums hurt all the time and they have receded pretty close toward the roots of my teeth. My apathy about the pain I'm in everyday makes me worrisome but with little conviction because I don't care about myself and my thoughts from one part of the day don't really impact my thoughts at another part of the day like I said earlier in my post. Sometimes I still crash without brushing my teeth before I go to bed. I know that it is bad for me logically but the thought of losing my teeth hasn't driven me to immaculate oral hygiene habits, because I just don't feel emotional or genuine fear like a mentally healthy functioning person feels. Also, though, my dentist has always said that everything is fine and that I just brush too hard but I am 99.9% sure he is wrong because of the constant pain I feel and I really don't brush that hard. I have taken his word and ignored my gut because I give no merit to any of my thoughts and have no cares in the world (in a bad way). I am going to see a periodontist tomorrow so I was driven to action when I talked to my therapist about it. This is just what keeps happening in all aspects of my life. I will feel some concern about something but rarely enough to take action and stick to some kind of game plan to fix it. I just return to apathy and robotic thinking.

    My therapist suggested posting on a forum such as this and seeing what people think or if they have had similar experiences. I honestly feel like I have nothing to lose and I just want to feel better and like a human being so I will try anything at this point. Please please help me. I know that this post was a lot to read but it was pretty much the last 10 years of my life. I know the post involved a lot of sexual content, but that is because it is at the center of my anxiety and disconnection. I tried not to be explicit and I apologize if anything was inappropriate to share in your eyes. I just really need help and I don't feel like I can get it unless I pour absolutely everything out in the open.

    Key points:
    -I feel disconnected from myself/ I don't feel like a human being
    -I don't know if I am gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, and/or transgender
    -My lack of empathy is also for myself and not just for others (hence my teeth/gum situation). I am hoping this means I am not a sociopath or psychopath
    -I felt like I lived a completely normal life until I was about 15 years old, with an identity and emotions and all
    -I feel humane and most alive when I am crying

    Thank you for reading this if you made it this far. I know it was a lot but I really need serious help. Any insight would mean more than you know.

    Sincerely,

    p123
     
  2. Barbatus

    Full Member

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    Hi p123,

    Sorry to hear your life has thrown up such a combination of trouble. It sounds like you are doing all the right things regarding seeing a therapist and so on.

    I'm going to just make a couple of comments (I don't feel in a position to comment on the medication and things like that).

    First, don't worry about sexual attraction to men. From what you have related in your post it sounds like you are gay - I say this because when you've mentioned being attracted to men in your post there seems to be no doubt in your mind that you are attracted to them. You might not feel any sexual attraction because you have such distress or uncertainty about why you are attracted to men and it doesn't sound like you have ever explored being with a guy physically or emotionally so you haven't had the chance to acclimatise to a gay relationship. If you did explore being with another guy you might find out a bit more about how you feel. I'm not suggesting you head out and hook up with someone - I'm suggesting that you only seem to be certain of your feelings when they relate to another guy and you might want to consider exploring those feelings.

    Second, you sense of being disconnected may be due to denying your feelings to men. I'm not sure if this is the only cause or if there are other factors in your life. With that caveat however, if you are gay and have denied yourself (not in a blameworthy sense you understand) the possibility of an emotional connection to men then it may have made you feel that you cannot connect to anyone else. Also if you aren't able to express yourself to people in an honest way you may find that your thinking is aimed at making sure you don't slip up by saying what you really feel.

    Finally, might your teeth hurting be a psycho-somatic thing? Or a result of (dis)stress? I tend to get quite bad mouth ulcers when I'm really stressed or tired. Btw if you can try and get into the habit of good dental hygiene by which I mean brushing twice a day and/or mouth wash. Even if your teeth are fine it might make you feel better to be doing something to maintain healthy teeth. Obviously, you might find it difficult if you teeth hurt but I'm really not in a position to challenge the dentists advice (I'm not a dentist). If you are unsure you could get a second opinion.

    I hope this helps but if it doesn't resonate with you then post back. We can discuss things further if you like. Wishing you well.

    P.S. You mentioned your religious background a bit - do you remain religious and if so do you see being gay and maintaining your faith as mutually exclusive or are you trying to leave religion behind?
     
    #2 Barbatus, Oct 31, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2016
  3. nikanoo5

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    Hi there, I've read your post and although I don't use EmptyClosets very often anymore because of my studies and wanting to experience real life and my own feelings, I've decided to reply to your post because you seem like a really good person and I don't like the thought of you suffering and feeling anxious/depressed.

    I truly cannot tell you what your sexual orientation is or what your gender is. I really wish I could but I can't. People can give you guidance which you should take in and think about, but ultimately it is you who will find out for certain yourself.

    It could be that you are disconnecting because you are ashamed about your attractions to men, and that is something you will eventually overcome. However, it may be useful to normalise same-sex relationships and LGBT related things in any ways you can; because at the end of the day, being gay is completely normal in my mind and shouldn't be an issue, love is love. It may take some time for any shame to ease away but it will.

    However, this may not be the case. I think only a qualified psychologist/therapist would be able to tell you what is causing this disconnection. What ever the reason is, it won't last forever and one day you will feel human again I promise. You said your mother suffers from depression and anxiety, and it's very common for people to feel like that I think. I can relate to the feeling of disconnection and uncertainty, and the only thing I can tell you is to do what makes you feel comfortable and happy. If you want to watch some old movies or do something that makes you feel connected to your old identity, do it if it makes you happy. If you want to cry, cry. It's important you feel connected to yourself, and do what ever makes you feel that.

    People are always changing and evolving, it's natural, but I think there's always a small part of us that stays the same, even if it's only a little. We are who we are.

    I'd say experiment safely in a way you feel comfortable. Sexuality isn't always black and white and it may be you do have an attraction somewhat to both sexes as you said you have felt aroused by women before, but men may be more for you. Or it could be the other way round, we don't know because we're not you! :slight_smile: What has made me feel better is not labelling myself, and allowing myself to feel free whoever I am.

    I'm sorry you've been going through this disconnected feeling for this long. You will come out of this eventually, it can't last forever. My advice is do things that make you feel connected to you - read your favourite book, discover an amazing TV show, talk to your mum/dad or listen to your favourite song. Go on a walk to a beautiful park and eat at your favourite restaurant. All of these little things will get you through the tough moments - and I'm sure you've got a valley of people who love you and support you so you're not alone I promise :slight_smile: <3

    Try not to overthink things and know that it will be okay - it's a heck of a journey I can say, but you shall be fine :slight_smile:

    Lots of love! xxx
     
  4. p123

    p123 Guest

    Thank you so much to both of you for the encouragement. I would have replied sooner, but I fell back into a cycle of apathy. You both have provided great advice. I'm still pretty down right now, but I am trying to stay positive. I think not labeling myself will help, and doing things I enjoy is helpful as well. Could I add both of you to my contacts if I have more questions, is that okay?
     
  5. Barbatus

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    Hi p123,

    Glad it helped and of course you can add me. Feel free to post on my wall whenever you want.

    I hope you are feeling a bit better. It'll take time and effort but if you can sort out your sense of self then you will be able to establish true emotional connections to people and feel less disconnected.