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Can I be gay but still be with a woman?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confusedjoe, Nov 5, 2016.

  1. confusedjoe

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    I have been with my now fiancee for 7 years, before I ever even questioned my sexuality. Our relationship was based on extreme trust and friendship.

    She noticed my homophobias and she, having lots of gay friends, encouraged me to drop my homophobias because she loved her gay friends. So as I started to drop my homophobias, I also started to notice I was extremely attracted to men and even started to grow crushes on her gay friends. My attraction to women has been declining. It is still there, but definitely a little forced.

    I've been identifying as gay to my fiancee and she has been nothing but supportive. Not to be crude, but she got numerous dildos, pegs me often, and even got me a poster of a hot hunk man to show me that she accepts me in any form. We never ever have normal vaginal sex anymore because she wants to peg me to help me embrace my sexuality. And she's completely fine with it! She held my hand as I came out to my family, and while they were extremely judgmental and started yelling at me how something is wrong with me, she stood up for me. She said the only way she was ever going to break up with me is if I was the one who decided I wanted to be with a man. She's big on emotions - she always says she doesn't really mind if I'm not completely sexually attracted to her as long as I am emotionally attracted to her and truly love her.

    The thing is, I do find myself sexually attracted to her but I think it comes from the fact that I love her. I love her because she takes care of me. She puts up with all of my shit. She is the most mature, open-minded person I have ever met. She is wonderful. She even said that AS LONG AS I DON'T CHEAT ON HER, if I leave her for another man, she would always be there for me. I don't know how an angel like her exists.

    But I am wondering if because I am gay, is this wrong? I feel like I am doing a disservice to the gay community by being with a woman. Even though I love my fiancee so much and I can't imagine living without her, I have a humongous fear that one day I'll wake up after marrying her and be like, "Shit, I want a man. I don't want her." But then I think that's a little superficial.

    My question is... can a gay man still be straight for one woman and have a functional relationship?
     
    #1 confusedjoe, Nov 5, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2016
  2. Barbatus

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    Hi confusedjoe,

    Firstly, I would say forget about what the gay community thinks. If it works for you, it works.

    In most cases I think people say that a gay person cannot be in a straight relationship because the gay partner is normally suppressing their sexuality to try and make it work. In your case that doesn't apply as you fiance knows and you are open about. So I wouldn't say you should or shouldn't be in your current relationship. Your relationship seems be very well functioning so that doesn't seem to be the main problem.

    The impression I got from your post is that the main concern is if you meet a guy and fall for him while you are still with your fiance. Of course meeting and falling for someone else can happen in any relationship but it might be a bit more of a concern for you. Does that resonate with you? If that is your main concern then you might want to talk to her about your concern that you are worried you will end wanting to leave her because she isn't a man (without being that blunt about it). As a part of that do you both find your sex life fulfilling? I ask because you might find that you have an increasing desire to have sex with a man as time goes on if it isn't or if it is partly fulfilling.

    As I say none of this is to suggest you should or shouldn't do something, just things to think about. It sounds though like your relationship is fine and working well - it's just your concern about the future. Btw are you planning on getting married soon? Might that be part of your anxiety?
     
  3. Jax12

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    Your attractions will only get stronger. I know you don't want to give up what you have, but it's not like she can't be a part of your life anymore. She's sounds like a great person.

    To answer your question... I highly doubt it. Now that you're aware of your attractions with guys, are you comfortable not living your life authentically as you should? Also, it's worth considering your wife's happiness as well. I know she wants to make you happy, but what about her?
     
    #3 Jax12, Nov 5, 2016
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  4. SystemGlitch

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    Many people can have exceptions to thier sexuality, for whatever reasons. That one person of a different gender who they become sexually and romantically attracted to, enough that they'd want to remain in a relationship with them even though it isn't their normal preference and/or no other members of that gender appeal at all. We mention it a lot to people who are questioning or confused, but for some reason when it actually happens lots of people shoot it down straight away and insist it can't work, even though it provably can. It could be this is what's going on with you.

    Like Barbatus said, you're open with her about who you are and she accepts that she is with a gay man. If you are happy, and if she is happy, then there is nothing wrong here. You aren't "hiding" in a straight relationship because you're out to her and your family, and it's not like you're trying to push some sort of "gay people don't need to be gay!" ideology - you just genuinely care about her and, like you said, you do have sexual and romantic feelings for her. Regardless of orientations, if you love and desire someone then why shouldn't you be in a relationship with them?

    I do think it is a good idea to raise your concerns with your partner. Explain to her that you do love her and are attracted to her both romantically and sexually, but fear that you'll one day feel attraction towards a man and that your attraction to her will decline as a result. As she's already said that she will be there if things don't work out, I feel like her response will be "if it happens, it happens", and she won't hold it against you. I definitely don't think that you should leave her right away - see how things develop, and let her know what is going on as time passes. If your attraction towards men starts getting stronger, let her know, likewise with if you find yourself desiring a man sexually, or if you get a crush, etc. Stay open with her about how you feel. It could be that over time you find yourself unfulfilled and decide it is best to end the relationship - it could be that your relationship lasts into your 80s. This can happen in any relationship, regardless of orientations or genders or whether the orientations match the genders involved. You can't tell what will happen at any given point in a relationship until you get there, but when you do get there, the decisions you make are going to be the right ones.
     
    #4 SystemGlitch, Nov 5, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2016
  5. beenthrdonetht

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    Boy, the only thing I would say about this is Congratulations!
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    I see that you have another thread to help you understand if you are bisexual or gay. I'd suggest that you google Kinsey scale if you are not already familiar with it. This might help you determine if you are bisexual or gay and where you fall on the Kinsey scale.

    Is your sexual attraction to your fiancée as visceral as you feel for other guys?
     
  7. Chip

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    The real question to ask yourself is what you will want in the long term... not an easy question to answer.

    The issue here is, if you are, in fact, closer to gay than bi, it is likely your attraction to guys will continue to increase, and you'll find yourself unhappy. If you like guys, you can have the best girl-friend on the planet, but it isn't the same as having someone that you love, feel sexual attraction to, and feel that sort of connection with.

    The following is entirely conjecture: Given what you've said, it seems possible that your fiance might have really poor self-esteem. It sounds like she could be basically putting aside her true wants and needs to settle for a relationship with a gay guy. If I'm right about that, this explains why she's so totally OK with your being gay, and why she's so desperate to stay in this relationship with you... because at some level she doesn't feel like she can find, or deserves, someone who can love her for who she is.

    Now... if that's the case, then perhaps something for you to think about is whether you are staying with her because you want to be loyal to her, don't want to hurt her feelings... or whether, in fact, it's because you truly love her as deeply as you could love a man. If it's the former, you are doing herself and yourself a huge disservice by moving forward with the marriage.

    None of this is easy to figure out. One thing I can say: I'd strongly suggest you not marry her until you have really clear understanding of yourself of what you want. If you read our "Later in Life" section, it's filled with stories of people who thought they wanted to get married to an opposite-sex partner... and then, 10 or 15 years down the line, realized they'd made a huge mistake, which is at that point, much more difficult to untangle.

    The best thing you can do is to keep talking about it and keep thinking about it.
     
  8. AlmostBlue

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    I actually think you are in a great relationship build on love and trust. Even when we are in a relationship, most of us are attracted to other people regardless of our sexuality, but that doesn't mean our urges necessarily increase over time or that our relationship is therefore doomed to fail.

    I think you can just focus now on how you and your fiancee feel currently, and embrace it. If you two are in love and have communicated to this extent (which is really incredible, and I definitely do not think that your fiancee has self-esteem issues but rather the complete opposite), then whatever happens in the future, you two will be able to deal with it. What the future holds is something no one can tell you. However, the fact that you two communicate so well and demonstrate such trust makes it much more likely that you two will have a great relationship. I think that is much more important than whether you two fit neatly into assigned sexual identities. There are also many cases where these things happen: gay men falling for a woman, straight men falling for a man, etc.
     
  9. DAFriend

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    First do use the Kinsley scale as a guide to help you.

    Second, yes it's possible for a gay man and a woman to have a very loving, fulfilling relationship - rare but possible and, that doesn't mean the man is not gay. There is a good bit of information out there on gay men loving women and, women loving gay men.

    In your case, obviously, the sexually safe part does not apply and, that's okay. Even with that, I wouldn't expect nor demand monogamy apply in such a relationship, for either of you. That doesn't mean you don't love each other or that there is any issue between you, it's just practicality. Where you play doesn't really matter as long as you're safe and, you know where home is, and that's where the heart is.

    I will say, form experience, (I do have a female body) that it is a unique relationship. To define the kind of love you share would be nearly impossible. It isn't the passion and desire charged idealistic partner for life kind, nor is it platonic. The passion is definitely there, and the romance, but off on a seldom traveled side road. So is the very close friendship, mutual respect, and a nurturing kind of love that's a bit parental, but not quite.

    And when you find yourself having to answer the question "Are you gay?" You discover your answer is "Yes, except her." That's fine, a bit much for some to understand but, not impossible. I think you are fortunate to have such a relationship - don't mess it up, they are few and far between.

    And really, if you think about it, does her body matter? I doubt it, it's her, the person inside that one female body, you love, never mind the shell on the outside and, that makes it okay for both of you.
     
  10. CameOutSwinging

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    OP,

    The way you feel with your fiancee is exactly how I felt with my first girlfriend and my most recent ex. In my first relationship, it seemed closer to your relationship. The main difference being we didn't use any toys or anything when having sex (being penetrated with toys by a woman hasn't interested me in the past) and she allowed me to have sex with men on the side. I'm pretty sure our relationship mainly ended because she simply fell out of love with me, which is always a possibility in romance.

    My relationship with my recent ex is tough. I wish she were like your fiancee. In recent talks about potentially getting back together, even when I've said I will be monogamous with only her, she still brings up my sexuality as a major issue. I said to her I'm still not straight, and I'd still want to be open about that, but being open doesn't have to mean sleeping with guys. It can mean going to the Pride Parade, or going to the bar with some gay friends to watch Drag Race (I'd even invite her to both). Her response - "But what if I just want a husband who doesn't want to go to the Pride Parade?" That hurt. Because that says so much about how she doesn't accept me for who I am. Not the way your fiancee does. And yet my ex still insists we be best friends even if we're not together, so there's that.

    I will echo some of the questions that have been brought up here that are worth thinking about. You said you wonder if this is okay for you or for the gay community as a whole, but I think you should consider if this is okay for your future wife. She may be saying it is, but it is worth questioning why. Maybe even seeing a couple's counselor and trying to dig deeper into it. I don't doubt that she loves you completely and truly, but why can't she do that without being in a relationship with you, an openly gay man? I guess I'm defending my ex's position here in a way. It could be a fear of being alone, or being abandoned, or any other number of things that she's dealing with deep down that have nothing to do with you or your sexuality. And she deserves to know why she's so keen to make that choice.

    My therapist likes to challenge me on this. While he will never say what I should or shouldn't do, he makes me consider the same things about my ex, even if she were to decide to be with me. At one point he literally yelled at me that my ex deserves to be with someone who loves vagina. I countered with but I love her vagina. He said no, she deserves to be with someone who loves all vaginas. It's not the same thing.

    And to be fair, my ex has basically said the same. She said if I were the guy with a straying eye who checked out every girl around, it would actually make her feel great, because she'd know that I'm attracted to all these women and yet want to be with her the most. I asked her why though doesn't she feel good about how I check out men and am attracted to all these men and no other women, and yet she's the one woman who I am attracted to and want to be with the most. She said it simply doesn't make her feel good. It actually hurts her self esteem.

    I think I'm realizing as I type this out that my ex is pretty strong in her understanding of what she needs for herself. As much as it might hurt me because it doesn't match up with what I want or understand.
     
  11. AlmostBlue

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    cameoutswinging,

    Not to derail this thread, but your therapist yelling at you that your ex deserves to be with someone who likes "all vaginas" is unacceptable for a couple reasons in my opinion...First, he is being very unprofessional with his demeanor and the way in which he is putting you down. Second, his claim is simply not true. He pretends to know exactly what your ex needs, and his logic that liking a vagina is not the same as liking all vagina is laughable. From what you've written, I think you dodge a bullet when it comes to your ex, and if I were you, I'd also consider finding another therapist.
     
  12. CameOutSwinging

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    Him and I have a relationship where he can be blunt like that. I actually love him, cause blunt is what I need sometimes.

    I disagreed with his reasoning, but to be fair, my ex has kind of said the same. I mean, when she tells me about the guy she's considering dating, she points out how he's straight as can be and borderline a player among women. Sounds like she just wants a guy who loves all vaginas after all.
     
  13. confusedjoe

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    Hey,

    I've been thinking about your post a lot. I read some of your threads and I read one where you said your ex-wife (I believe) was supportive of you being gay, but when you brought up going to therapy because you were still questioning your sexuality, she was not very supportive all of a sudden? Why was this so? Was it that she wanted to know if your relationship ended, it was because you were gay and she would know it had nothing to do with her?

    My girlfriend has said she's okay with me being sexual with other guys, but I think I love her too much to go through with it. As much as I want men, I'm pretty sure I'd be thinking about her the whole entire time to actually enjoy it. She has a gay friend, and they've been best friends for 15 years, and she said she would allow that easily, and would even be happy with that as she loves the both of us and wants to see me experiment safely.

    My fiancee (I know I keep calling her girlfriend every now and then... It's just that we dated for soooo long that we got used to calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend) doesn't seem to give a rat's a** about who I am attracted to. I read her your post and she said it doesn't make sense to her that me being gay would affect her self esteem but me being straight wouldn't. "Either way, you're attracted to other people, it doesn't make a difference to me who it is," is what she said.

    I'm really curious as to how you're doing. I'm new to EC and tried to message you and realized I'm not allowed to... But I'm also extremely curious as to why your ex-wife seemed supportive of you being gay but not supportive of you questioning your sexuality?