Hello! If anyone could offer some personal experience or advice here I'd be really grateful. It's 1am and I need to vent to be honest. I've always assumed I'm either bi or lesbian, however, I've noticed recently that the only time I really start to get the classic schoolgirl crush that my straight friends talk about is on older women. Like I'm talking 10-20 years older than me (I'm 18 so we're talking 30's-40's) A lot of this I think could stem from the fact I don't have a very stable role model in my mother, and so I seek to try and get reassurance from other female role models in my life, who, you guessed it, are mostly between 30-40 years old. Somewhere along the way this has a tendency to develop into a crush and my emotions get all confused and I'm left wondering if I'm actually attracted to these women, or women in general, or is this just the feeling that someone actually cares? I know I'm not attracted to men, and I don't believe I've ever really been in love, so maybe I'm just attributing what my friends call "love" to what most people see as a "caring relationship" which could well be platonic. This level of admiration I have for strong, independent, childless, middle aged (and usually brunette?) women (the sort that look and sound as though they could probably hurt you) is a sort of horrible combination of life goals, wife goals and "oh my god please love me" to the point of I've no idea where to begin unraveling this mess. It leads to quite a lot of internal struggle between "this is fine embrace the age gap and roll with it!" to "this is really Not Fine and terribly taboo and you must never disclose this to anyone." Anyone got any suggestions about making sense of any of this? SweetOphelia x
I definitely wouldn't say it is taboo. But it does seem, to me at least, that your attraction to these women is partly fueled by your admiration towards them. That being said, it doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling and loving relationship with an older women. You need to ask yourself "if this women was 15 years younger dealing with problems similar to myself, would I still want to be with her?"
