Hello! I'm 19 and currently identify as a lesbian, but I can't seem to stop obsessing over my sexual orientation. I guess I'll start by giving a history of my sexual identity. When I was younger, I would have crushes on boys, but they were always innocent little crushes. I was also very socially awkward, especially around boys, so I barely had any friends who were boys, and I seemed to have crushes on each of these male friends; looking back, I wonder if these were simply feelings of friendship that I conflated with romantic feelings due to the constant heteronormativity I was exposed to, having grown up in a fairly conservative household. These crushes also stopped around the time I hit puberty (14). Around the age of 15 or 16, I read about asexuality and thought it fit me perfectly, as I didn't understand the sexual attraction my friends had started to experience and, however I tried, I couldn't see the appeal in having sex with a man. Then, during junior year of high school, I started having feelings for a female friend of mine, although I was in denial and didn't accept these feelings for what they were until the second half of senior year (when I was 17 or 18). I then identified as biromantic and asexual for a while. During freshman year of college, I had my first and second kisses, both with men, both while drunk at a party. I felt nothing during these kisses; not attraction or disgust, more just boredom and a desire to leave and find my friends. After these incidents, I questioned my biromantic identity and began to shift towards a homoromantic identity; I also soon experienced sexual attraction to a woman and dropped the asexual label, so I began identifying fully as gay. When I finally had my first kiss with a woman (also while drunk at a party, unfortunately), I got into it and felt full attraction to her. However, months later and more than a year after my kisses with men, I still find myself obsessing over my sexuality and wondering if I'm actually bisexual, wondering if I have crushes on my male friends, etc. I also have to admit that I find myself wishing I were straight sometimes and wonder if this might be tied to my obsession. I also have OCD, though not very severe; could this have to do with my obsession as well? These thoughts occupy a lot of my time and often prevent me from focusing on my school work. Sorry for the long post, but it feels good to get my thoughts down somewhere, as I don't have very many close friends in the LGBT+ community to vent to. Does anyone have any input on my situation, or any advice on how to stop obsessing over my sexual orientation? Thank you!
I think it's very natural to continue wondering about your sexuality because it's hard to ever know something 100%. It's best to stop obsessing and just be yourself. If you find it necessary, a different label may follow but it's easier to figure out how you feel then give it a name instead of choosing a word and forcing yourself to stick to it.
Quite natural, even years later, firmly set as to what your orientation is, life can turn that on it's ear in a heartbeat and, that might only be that one special someone that sets your head and heart in opposition, arguing over orientation. When it happens, I'm told form a friend who is going through that now, it feels like coming out all over again. You get pretty focused on your orientation and, start questioning yourself all over again and, you've got to make sense of it. Just be sure if it's people in general or just one special someone that seems to be upsetting your apple cart, so to speak. If it's just one, your orientation probably isn't actually being fluid, which also can happen, it's just that person.
