I don't know if I've already started a similar thread but I'm super confused about my sexuality! I'm certainly not straight because women have never attracted me sexually. However, there are brief moments of attraction but they fade away rather quickly. Men do attract me (a lot!) but neither of the sex roles turn me on. I've never topped and being a bottom is super painful. Does that mean I'm asexual? Or I just haven't found the right partner yet?
Well, I can't say you're one or the other for sure and in the end you're going to make the final call. I think maybe you need to get to know an individual before falling for them. Almost like a demi-sexuality. Having a flair of attraction for women is interesting. Are you admiring their bodies because of what they're wearing or they are astethically (sp?) Pleasing? I understand how hard it is not knowing and always having that doubt in your mind. In my life I was the same as you but now I'm older I'm more comfortable and I know my preferences. A sexuality from what I learned is that you have no sexual desire whatsoever. Now maybe there are varying degrees of asexual and I'm still learning that. I think finding a suitable partner is going to play a huge role. Take some time but don't pressure yourself.
Just because you can't really see yourself as a top or a bottom is no reason to question your sexuality is it? What about oral sex...what about cuddling or kissing, or just holding hands? And, by the way, being a bottom can certainly be "super painful" especially if you're not used to it. It sounds as if the physical aspects of being a bottom (the pain) is what turns you off about that, but other than the pain, was being connected (pardon the pun) with another man enjoyable and satisfying for you? The closeness, the feeling of being kind of like part of another man for a while, the feeling of being naked and close to a guy, does that provide you with any degree of satisfaction? Not all gay guys are even into anal sex; there is a whole universe of things you can do with (or to!) a guy that don't involve being a top or bottom.
I identify as gay but every so often I meet a woman that I find attractive. It's a kind of "wow she's beautiful" feeling but not a "I hunger to be with her" feeling. As you get older you'll find that sexuality has a mind, body, and spirit component. The act of being with someone you love deepens your experience together, and when you're really in love you want to be consumed by being in their world. You would yearn for them as both a sweet and painful experience, and meeting them and exploring them would feel like an epiphany. You get the picture. Sexuality has so many dimensions, and gay sexuality is no different. So, I see a beautiful woman and I simply appreciate them. I have never felt yearning or an acute feeling of loss when they're not near. This only happens with men, and for this reason I can only be physically intimate with a man. That makes me gay, although since I notice beautiful women I may be just 1% or 2% bi. I'm comfortable with that. To second what was said previously, being gay doesn't require you to be a top or bottom, and there are an infinite number of ways you can physically show your affection. As you become more comfortable you'll find the things you like to do. As for receptive anal sex specifically - it takes patience, willingness to experiment and learn, open communication, trust, and a whole lotta lube! Try having him lay down on his back and you sit down gradually from above him. You might be surprised at the emotional experience too, if it's for you. Also, you don't strike me as asexual, just frustrated about how to be sexual. Give it time, be patient, and let the answers come to you, and don't rush to label or judge yourself. And above all, communicate with your partner and be safe. Patrick
From what you describe, you definitely are not asexual. Most likely you are gay, but haven't yet found the right person with whom sex is enjoyable (a very common thing for many gay men.) Done right, bottoming should not be painful, so you may just need to find someone who is really caring, patient, and willing to work with you. And topping is something that may take some practice, but most men enjoy.
Beautiful post Patrick, it clarifies a lot. ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2016 at 06:00 AM ---------- Like Patrick was saying, I see beautiful women and briefly get attracted or excited but there's no sexual component. When I see an attractive guy it pushes all the buttons. You don't have to be a top or bottom, but as you accept and understand yourself and get in a relationship this may change.
