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Finding love as we get older

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by aussielefty, Nov 10, 2016.

  1. aussielefty

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    Is it just me or have most people been in love at some time in their lives?
    for me , sure I have been in lust , like just wanting to sleep with some one but I have never experienced love or even had a relationship with love innovated..
    I found it a lot easier when I was younger meeting people but now its very hard, and as I grow older I find it more difficult getting out there so to speak. tried some of the dating sites but it just doesnt work for me... Hard even with social anxiety..

    Guess its a bit of a rant more than any thing.... dunno..
     
  2. Patrick7269

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    This is tough and I'm beginning to feel the same at almost 44.

    You may want to ask yourself what you mean by love. Romantic love feels wonderful, but it's also possibly a bit of a fantasy. Many gay men have sexual hookups from one part of their social circle and friendships and companionship from another social circle. It's not perfect but at least you can get emotional and physical needs met, albeit in different people.

    I would strongly recommend volunteering with a cause you believe in, participating in a hobby club or some kind of outdoor club. I wouldn't even try to find a gay club per se, but if gay clubs are available then all the better. But in any case doing that thing you're passionate about someone will see you engaged with your life and turned on, and of course that's very attractive. If it's not a gay club I would be as out as I'm comfortable being out without being obvious about looking for someone. Just be the you that you love most.

    At least in the US we have a hopeless mix of unrealistic expectations about love from movies. The narrative is always sparks, chemistry, monogamous marriage, and happily ever after. Although we recognize this as idealistic and pollyanna in general for the straight community why would we keep these same fantasy-based expectations for gay relationships? I'm by no means against a traditional relationship and marriage, but not all gay men are wired like that. And sometimes it takes some work to evaluate for yourself where that expectation comes from and whether you agree with it. The important thing is that you get acceptance, support, comradarie, and companionship - less important the packaging and circumstance.

    Personally, I'm working on learning to be alone without feeling the need to distract myself. Just being. Not doing something, not watching a movie, not ranting and raving about politics. Just being, and being alone, with myself. A few weeks ago I would cry and want to die from the loneliness but now that's starting to subside.

    Until you're comfortable being alone you're not ready to approach love without neediness and self-sabatage despite your best efforts. Real love and neediness don't mix well, although ironically love is the only thing that can fulfill some needs. Be with yourself first and find out who that person is.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
     
  3. Romancer

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    I so agree with Patrick. There are so many people who are trying to figure out their orientation, whether they want a relationship or not, without first knowing how to be themselves. Be who you are first and the other stuff will fall into place.
     
  4. DAFriend

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    Half the problem is that the media has gotten lust, infatuation and, love all mixed up for us. We expect the mental fireworks, call that being in love and, when that INFATUATION and LUST stage ends, we assume we have fallen out of love.

    No, love, the kind that lasts, isn't all fireworks and lust and, can't be apart from them for more than five minutes. It's calm, respect, trust, safety, security, contentment with each other.

    You can't be secure with anyone until you are secure with yourself and, you can't ask anyone else to like living with you until you like living with you.
     
  5. JonSomebody

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    In my life I've had four long term relationships with the last guy passing away unexpectedly. Each of these relationships have shown me aspects of genuine love in their own way where some where more stronger in expressing love than others. In fact, prior to the last two relationships I've had..pursued being a single man because this was something that I had not experienced that much since coming out as a gay man. Therefore, I intentionally wanted to experience dating different guys. While working a corporate, white collar position during the day...I took a bartender job at a gay club in order to explore the world of dating and even hookups sometimes and other extracurricular activities that I won't mentioned on this forum..haha. The fact of the matter is that for me because I have had love in my life...I was pretty content on living a single life. However, although I had gotten comfortable being single...this is when the last two guys entered my life unexpectedly and I was again in a long term relationship and in love and these two relationship occurred as I got older which confirmed to me that love can happen when you least expect it.