(Spoiler tags are to save space, long post ahead but hopefully worth the read). Spoiler It’s funny how a change of hairstyle and clothing can make everything seem different. How something can feel so thrilling yet terrifying at the same time. I felt like sharing my thoughts, so here you go. I spent today looking at Universities and travelling around the town. I remember travelling on the train, and just as we were getting off at our stop, this woman looked over to me with a kind of knowing glace that said “Yeah, I’ve been there”. She didn’t physically say it, but that’s the kind of vibe I got looking at her expression. I could be wrong; she could’ve been just acknowledging my existence, or making some other form of judgement, or I could just be looking into this too much. I changed my hairstyle today because I was bored with my old one, and I was aware this one was somewhat on the stereotypical side, but I liked it so I thought I’d try it out. That’s why my first thought was that she could tell, but it was probably just me being paranoid…but I guess you never know. That look she gave left me feeling somewhat exposed, I wondered who else presumed my orientation. Don’t get me wrong, I am out to some of my friends but I’m not out on a particularly large scale and I don’t tend to bring it up much. It was weird, this idea that people knew made me feel both happy yet uncomfortable. I liked imagining being open on a larger scale and picturing what my future might look like. However, it was also somewhat unnerving. You see, recently I’ve been going through series of on again, off again questioning. Sometimes I think I’m bi, other times I’m sure I’m gay. It can be annoying, all this questioning. Spoiler There are times where I’m worried that the more I come out as gay, the more I limit my options and cut off the possibility of being with a man. The more I push guys away. I’m worried that I’ll become too much like “one of the guys” and become invisible to the men around me. Now this might seem strange coming from the girl who was only recently complaining about the fact that one of my male friends wouldn’t leave me alone and kept pursuing me, but let me explain. I had mixed emotions towards him. At first, I came out to him as gay. He asked me if I was gay or bi (even though I’d previously come out to him as gay) and at the time I said that I saw myself as closer to gay because at the time I did. But then, things changed. I started questioning again. I told him that although I was probably gay, I had some doubts and that I sometimes wonder if I’m bi. In retrospect, that probably wasn’t the best idea. I wasn’t aware that he had feelings for me, I assumed because of the fact he’d come to me to talk about girls that he wasn’t interested in me. I was annoyed at one point because I told him about this guy that my friends whom I’m not out to keep trying to get me to date. He replied with “Of course you’re not into him” and I was slightly irritated with the fact he wasn’t taking my questioning seriously based on the emphasis on “him” he used when speaking to me. I didn’t mention the guy I was on about to him, so it wasn’t a case of “well of course you’re not into that particular guy”. But then, yet again things changed. One day he started messaging me and he admitted that he held feelings towards me. I didn’t see him that way, so I let him down gently. Even after that he kept using flirty language and offering gifts, and that’s when I became a little peeved but I think I handled it with patience and I didn’t snap or anything. Spoiler Anyway, now I’m back to questioning again. I know I’m not into that particular guy, but I don’t know what my feelings to men are overall. I feel happy about the idea of being more open about my attraction to women and playing a larger role in the community someday, but I feel unsure about limiting my options. So why not just say bisexual? Well…I don’t think that label is quite right, and considering the amount of biphobia in the lesbian community, is it worth risking it? If I were to start identifying as bi, I’d most likely get hate from some of the online lesbian dominated groups I am a part of. I’m also not sure if I’d ever date a guy and I’d be worried it’d lessen the interest I’d get from women. Plus, a concern of mine would be that people would think I’m a liar considering I’m out as gay to several of my friends, plus the stereotypical haircut gives out a “lesbian vibe” or at least it seems to. My case that I could be bi: Spoiler -I’ve had fantasies about feminine men acting like stereotypical women and acting like women in music videos. I.e. posing on cars impractically shirtless. At first I felt something, but it didn’t last long and died out pretty quickly and I was mainly indifferent to it, but it begs the question why my mind thought up this scenario anyway… -I’ve been thinking about growing old with a guy recently. -When I was watching a slideshow, I saw a pair of two men boxing shirtless and I felt something. It was almost like a warmth coming from inside, like a giant cat was curled up on my stomach and a tingling sensation in my back/spine. I’m not sure if that was attraction or not. -I’ve been questioning how much I’m actually into women, and starting to admire guys more. I’ve also been starting to feel more feminine. -Once when I was on my period, I thought I felt something for an image in my mind of a masculine guy, but then to complicate matters I er…well… *sigh* I masturbated to this image and then later on (when I wasn’t on my period) I tried to masturbate without any images in my mind and I felt the same feeling. It was enjoyable, but it made me wonder whether that was because of the guy or other things… The case for me being gay: Spoiler -I’ve never had a crush on a guy. -I’ve had crushes on girls. - I fit some of the stereotypes. -Most of the guys that have had interest in me later turned out to be gay (I guess I just attract closet cases, I don’t know). -The session without images produced the same result attraction wise. -The men act like women in my dreams, but the women are preferable over the feminine men. -I’ve never had the urge to kiss a guy, but I have with girls. -I don’t obsess about male celebrities, nor do I feel interested in discussing them with other girls. -My reaction to the slideshow may not have been attraction, but possibly another emotion. - I notice women more on the street. However, during my periods of questioning, I’ll often look at a variety of people and question how I feel a lot more than usual. Yeah….
Hey, I just read through your message and it sounds like you have a lot going on right now. In my freshman/sophomore year of high school I would constantly torment myself wondering if I was gay or bi. I was scared to be a lesbian because I thought it would cut my dating pool down but I wasn't sure if I really liked men. I tried every single stupid gay or bi quiz on the internet looking for an answer, and I confused the crap out of my friends by switching labels constantly. What it really came down to was not having enough experience in relationships (or life) to know what I wanted. It wasn't until I hooked up with this guy I kinda liked did I know for a fact that I liked men. But everyone is different, and you might come to a different answer then I did. My advice to you is to take a step back and enjoy life. Don't let this question drive you crazy like it did for me. Its okay to tell yourself and others that your only questioning your orientation. The right answer will come to you in time. I hope this helped. (Even if you are a lesbian your dating pool isn't as small as you might think, trust me. They're everywhere if you know where to look.)
I don't usually advise this to people, but I reckon the only thing you can do to be sure of your sexuality is experiment. Have a go with a guy or two, see how they make you feel. Be aware of what goes through your mind whenever you see a guy. Keep in mind that in order to be bisexual, you don't need to be equally attracted to men and women. Though I feel a lot of sexual attraction towards girls, I don't feel much towards guys. However I do feel romantic attraction and whatnot. You might be the same. Side note: please ditch stereotyping as an argument for being gay. As a trans guy, I appear to fit into sooo many lesbian stereotypes, and other people see that too. Of course, I am not a lesbian.
I have the same sort of problem. However I do notice guys a bit more than you seem to I think. I just am unsure about having a relationship with a guy, and I haven't enjoyed kissing any guys so far. I have had some opportunities to be with guys since I went to university. In fact I have one guy that is really pursuing me. I was hoping university would be my chance to experiment. But somehow I cannot cope with guys flirting with me and so let every opportunity pass haha so I'm failing at that. I want to call myself gay mainly because I see myself in relationships with women and I have so far preferred kissing women. However, it seems like denying the basic attraction I've always had towards men. I feel like there's something there and i probably shouldn't ignore it completely. At this point I would probably encourage you to join in my game plan of experimentation and living life but as I said it's not eorking out great for me currently, so all I can say is - I feel ya.
Hey, SHACH. :smilewave I see you’re back. Yeah, probably. I don’t tend to notice guys much, but I have been questioning a bit more recently. Personally, I can’t really talk about any personal experiences with kissing as I’ve yet to kiss, or be kissed by anyone regardless of gender (unless you count on the cheek) so it’s not something I can really compare. Spoiler Yeah, I can somewhat relate to that. I’ve had guys flirt with me and opportunities to get into a relationship, but it never really felt right so I’ve always declined. It’s usually awkward when people flirt with me, amusing and sweet but awkward. The thing is, I’ve never really had a crush on a guy. I’ve had times where I’ve come close to having a crush on a guy, but then I’ve imagined kissing them and it’s weird and off-putting, sometimes it’s just indifferent. People often tell me that you don’t have to have a crush on someone for a relationship to form, and I’ve been thinking about that lately. Some people say that they just started dating their friend and the feelings followed after, which I find kind of interesting. I have plenty of male friends that I’d never even consider dating, but what tends to happen is that people see how close we are and start trying to convince us that we’re soulmates or something. It’s like they can see something I can’t. At first, I tend to usher such ideas aside, but then I start to question if they could actually be right, and I tend to question what my feelings are to this person. Even at the moment this is happening, my classmates keep trying to get me to date one of my mates and whenever we talk, people keep telling him to stop flirting with me, even though he doesn’t seem to be flirting at all. It’s weird. People seem to think we’re deeply in love or something, it’s almost amusing. I’m still at College, but I have been looking at Universities recently and it won’t be long until I finish my last year at College. Which feels kind of daunting, admittedly. Spoiler Again, I can’t really compare due to my lack of experience. All I really have to go by are my fantasies, which are confusing by themselves. In terms of my fantasies, I’d say that when I’ve pictured myself kissing women generally that has been more pleasant than when I’ve pictured myself kissing guys. So romantically, I’d say I’m interested in women, but when it comes to physically…well I’m still trying to figure that one out. To me, my attractions have always felt like a Rockem’ Sockem’ boxing game. Weird comparison I know, but yeah… It’s almost like there are two people in my mind. I think there is a part of me that likes men, but they’re not doing a very good job at asserting themselves. There are times where I’ve longed to be close to particular guys, but that feeling didn’t last that long. Almost like some sort of error occurred at the last second, as if my gay side is trying to sabotage my straight side or something. Now and again, my straight side pops their head up and tries to take charge, but then just sort of forgets what they were doing and gets taken over by the gay side again. Almost as if my straight side is being silenced and is trying to fight back, but is fairly terrible at it. (Yeah, I know this is all a bit of an over-simplification, but for me it helps to think of it like this). There are times where I’ve felt a sense of comfort seeing shirtless guys, one that’s hard to explain. Other times I almost feel annoyed at myself, and sometimes I just feel indifferent. I’m not sure what my fantasies about feminine men acting like women say about me, I’m struggling to make heads or tails of that one. Spoiler Yeah, personally I tend to come out to people as gay simply because it tends to be easier. I feel if I came out as bi, people would ask me about male celebrities and since I don’t have much interest in any particular male celebrity, I would be concerned that people would accuse me of being a liar or something. Plus, I don’t have people trying to set me up with random guys when I say I’m a lesbian (besides the ones that haven’t been told) which tends to make it easier to hang out with my male friends without the whole “OMG you two would be perfect together!”, or at least- less of it anyway. But I mean, things could change. It’s hard to predict what the future will bring after all.
