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Gay or asexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Pandagurl76, Nov 15, 2016.

  1. Pandagurl76

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    Hi, so i'm just really confused about who I am.

    I've had crushes on girls (i'm a girl) since i was about 10 and it's always been girls. I have never fancied a boy in my life, so felt very different and isolated when growing up. When i got to uni i had a massive crush on my straight flatmate and it kind of clicked that I liked girls and, although i wasn't happy with it, I told my mum.

    The only thing is, I don't feel like i've ever looked at one of my crushes and thought 'i wanna have sex with them', its always pretty innocent. I do get butterflies and stuff if she accidentally brushed my shoulder when walking by etc. but I'm confused about why I don't really have sexual urges. Maybe if I tried it I would understand the obsession, i'm not sure, or maybe I'm just not a very sexual person (or demisexual).

    Just confused , and I really don't want to be gay AND asexual, as my chances of finding someone are pretty slim already. :confused::icon_sad:
     
  2. Gunsmoke

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    Hey, I'm on the ace spectrum - I identify as demi - and if it's any consolation, you don't sound like me!

    (If you want a contrast between the two of us, then I very, very rarely get crushes. I've had three actual crushes in my entire life and I'm simply not interested in sex or a relationship with anyone unless I already have at least a friendship with them. Even then, it's mostly romantic feelings. There have only two people in my life that I've wanted to have sexual contact with, and even then I rarely thought about actual sex because I wasn't actually dating them. Does that sound like you?)

    Some people are just much less sexual than other people. It could be that you're on the ace spectrum but you're homoromantic, but I think that a good way to find out would be if you were in a relationship with a girl (sometimes sexual feelings are developed only after forming an emotional bond, so yeah, that would be demisexuality) and see how it went.

    For the meantime, I wouldn't worry about it. There are plenty of lesbians and bi/pan women around, so I'm sure you won't have too much trouble finding somebody! I don't think that there's anything unusual (AKA asexual) about what you've described, though - except your crushes seem to be quite "innocent", if that makes sense.
     
  3. Creativemind

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    Not everyone feels sexual urges when they have crushes. Most women can't feel sexual desires toward people without some sort of connection. That's also why even women who LIKE casual sex still prefer friends with benefits over one night stands. Women need a connection of some sort.

    Demisexuality is a bit different. It basically means you never really feel crushes or attraction at all unless you've known the person for years. You would feel asexual and have no attractions until you meet the right person.
     
  4. Lesbibliophile

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    I wouldn't necessarily assume that you're asexual yet. The fact that you get some kind of physical feeling (butterflies) when you interact with them is a pretty good sign. If you got into a serious relationship with them and still didn't feel anything, that would be more telling, but barring that, I think a lot of girls tend to not think about their crushes in terms of sex, but more in how they want to be around them and talk to them and make them laugh and maybe touch their hair or arm or put their head on their shoulder. Stuff like that. Affectionate, but not necessarily sexual.

    The only real way to know is time and experience, but I don't think you need to worry yet.
     
  5. Gunsmoke

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    Well, not necessarily years. It's less about the duration and more about the connection you feel with them - you can be demi and get a crush on somebody after knowing them for only a few days, if you have a good connection right from the beginning.
     
  6. Creativemind

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    Hmmmm....that just sounds like normal human sexuality to me. I don't know anyone who crushes on complete strangers, especially women. But everyone is different I suppose.

    I know for me, personally, I've only been sexually attracted to friends I've known for years. My best friend of 9 years I only liked after our 7 year mark. That's why I've considered myself more "unusual".
     
  7. beenthrdonetht

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    What a coincidence, I've been crushing on girls since I was 10 also. OK, joking aside I agree with above posters that you are not so far out of the mainstream. I think a good sign for you is the way you so casually wrote (and apparently did):

    So no trauma there, and I'm guessing mum took it OK. So really there is a lot of good going on already.

    BUT... you feel not a lot of physical passion yet. One, the fire will probably rise up by itself in the near future, and two, in the long run it is a lot more normal that it takes some buildup of emotional connection before the passion starts. Quick hookups are more the sort of "everyone thinks everyone else is doing it" thing than reality.

    In short, your "confused" is more like "don't know what's going to happen in the future" and guess what? Nobody else does either. :slight_smile:
     
  8. darkcomesoon

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    Sounds completely normal to me.

    Society sexualizes everything, and relationships seen in the media are always so sexualized, so people end up thinking that "normal" sexual attraction means immediately thinking about sex with everyone you find attractive. That's just not the case. Most of my crushes are pretty innocent too. You may find that you only experience sexual urges once you're in a sexual situation with someone, and that's normal.
     
  9. Pandagurl76

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    Thank you all so much for the responses! I feel much happier and relaxed now, i've never had a girlfriend so hopefully everything will make sense more when I do :slight_smile:
     
  10. beenthrdonetht

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    I can confirm from experience that a (good) girlfriend make a lot of things fall into place.
     
  11. Ilyccia

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    You sound exactly like me! Wow!

    I, too, only like girls. I have the same kind of responses to my crushes, where I get butterflies and such, but I don't feel any sexual urges at all. I'm not sure if this will change once I actually get into a relationship with a girl or what, but for now I identify as an asexual lesbian (though I normally just say lesbian unless I am very close to the person). If that changes, it changes. 'Till then, it fits!
     
  12. Pandagurl76

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    Yay someone like me! Maybe we should chat haha :slight_smile:
     
  13. Ilyccia

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    Yeah, we should! It'd be nice to chat with someone in a similar situation. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Creativemind

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    Hey, you can feel free to message me on my page as well since I am in a very similar situation.