Hello, everyone! This is my first post here and I'm sorry in advance for possible mistakes, because English is not my native language. I'm just confused with my sexuality. I'll start from the beginning. When I was 13 I had my first anal sex with a male friend (same age) of my cousin. We were just guests in my cousin's house, so we had to share the bed...And yeah.. I was very curious about his penis, I wanted to touch it, so I did, and we ended up having anal sex. After that, we did it many times during that year and two years later in a row. We were seeing each other every summer for two months in that period. Our "relationship" ended when he said to me that he is not gay and that whole our"thing" was just a game for him. We were 16 years old in that time. It is very hard for me to remember now what I felt about him, especially when he "broke up". Maybe it was on a subconscious level, but I really don't remember I was broken-hearted or anything like that. I also don't remember having any romantic feeling about him, I never enjoyed kissing him (we hardly kissed each other). In that age (13-16) I wasn't really thinking about my sexual orientation - I don't think I wasn't ready to face it, I just wasn't thinking that I have to choose between being gay or straight. I don't feel like I were in denial, I always knew that I had a great sex with him, I have never regret it. On the other hand, I had always crushes on girls, even in elementary school. Later in secondary school the crushes were very hard to maintain, because i was constantly rejected, or left after a while , so I had to deal with it and it was very painful. I don't know how to explain that, but all these years I felt a certain urge to have a girlfriend. I felt no sexual attraction, but I haven't worried about that (at least not conciously). Still, I wanted to kiss them, to hug them, to breathe down their necks...I wanted to have sex with them but just for one reason - to check If I'm gay or bisexual. I thought that If I enjoy my first time with a girl that I am bi, and if not, I'm a gay. So just wanted to try it, but I really couldn't imagine me doing it with females. When I was 21 i met a girl who I fell in love with. There wasn't sexual attraction, but still I admired her and enjoyed kissing. She told me she think she is asexual, but I hoped that it would eventually change. so we started relationship. I didn't tell her about my homosexual experience. I just thought that it is too much weird or eccentric. During that time we tried having sex, she wanted to try it also, but she would always stop it in the middle of a foreplay, crying and apologizing. I continued to be in that relationship - mainly because I really cared for her and I think that I really loved her and it was also my first time that I felt sexual attraction toward female. I got errection every time and I also dreamed us two having sex... However our relationship lasted 15 months (yeah, 15 months without sex) and we broke up because of constant fighting about really stupid things, but for me the main reason was that our relationship was sexless. It was a disaster for both of us, I felt very sick about her and I had to end it. After her, I suffered a lot. I was in a serious depression for several months and I'm still dealing with some short periods of "depression" from time to time, even if it is 3 years since we are separated. I'm still virgin toward girls (if I can even say something like that ), and she is still a virgin. We share common friends so I know much about her nowadays. I have lost all my interests towards girls. I don't even want to kiss a girl anymore, I'm not curious about dating other girls whatsoever. I tried to, had a couple of relationships, but they didn't lasted too much, I was emotionally unavailable for those girls. A part of me thinks that it's because I'm affraid of being rejected, other part thinks that it's just because I'm gay. And finally this year I have met a guy who has just came out as a gay. We were in a great relationship for 5 months and then he left me. He said that he doesn't want to have monogamous relationship because he is a late bloomer and he wants to be free completely. Iust like in my first homosexual relationship, I really didn't feel like I'm suffering now. I just remember having amazing sex with him and that's all. Firstly, thanks a lot if you have read all of this. I wanted this to be short, but I really think that all this is important. What can you say? Am I gay? Or homosexual-heteroromantic? Or bisexual who has just subconsciously suffered a lot from his first experience with a boy and now has a problem with making a romantic relationship with a boy? I'm paralised now. I think that I can have an infinite number of homosexual contacts not feeling anything emotionally. At the same time, I feel really sick when I think having anything with a girl, even a flirt. I tried having that and I felt really sick every time, so these days I'm not trying at all. I talked with a psycologist about it and he told me that I'm probably straight and that I just have to wait my feelings to soften...I don't feel like he is right. I deeply enjoyed every time I had sex with a guy, so he's talking a nonsence.
Knut, thank you for sharing your story. You are in a stage in your life where you are figuring out who you are. Don't worry about figuring out if you should call yourself straight or gay but instead on figuring out what you do or dont like. Enjoy this time, experiment and trust yourself. xoxox
Starting from the last point, I definitely don't think that the psychologist was being very helpful or accurate with that statement. The idea that "you just need to find someone" or "it will happen" is such a common form of homophobia and erasure. To go back to the rest, I agree with the above that this sounds like a time to experiment and learn more about yourself, but that doesn't mean making yourself uncomfortable. If you don't have any real desire to have sex with a woman, you don't have to. If you only want to do it to "know," that is also a valid option. As long as everybody is aware of your intentions, there's nothing wrong with exploring your boundaries. Obviously I am not in your head and don't know what you're feeling, but maybe you could be homosexual but biromantic if you're really looking for a label? I.e. you could have romantic feelings for both women and men, but only sexual feelings for the latter? I'm sorry it hasn't been an easy path Remember that your feelings are valid and it's okay not to have all of the answers. Best of luck!
Thanks for your responses, they've really calmed me down. I'll follow your advices and try to appreciate this moment and enjoy experimenting. You are absolutely right, there is no need to pressure myself to find a label right now. Thank you again for your support!
