Please bear with me and my quirks. I am kind of quirky! First off, I'm in my late 40's. Up til about 5-6 years ago, I had always considered myself straight. For the folks who have been here longer than I have, this is probably the millionth time you have seen THAT particular sentence. Anyway, I was one of those kids who was always fascinated at the lingerie section of ________ department store catalog. In high school, I took to trying on pantyhose. Realized it was stupid and weird and put it away. Years passed, I found myself living alone and the curiosity reared it's strange head once again. I bought some thigh-hi's and found myself aroused. This time, in addition to stupid, I found it alarming. So, I threw them away. Oh, men's thong underwear was also involved, blah, blah, blah. This buy/purge cycle continued over the next few years. I got married (unhappily--bad match, sexuality had nothing to do with it) and experimented with more hosiery, but this time I involved sex toys. Once again, I became disgusted and purged. After my divorce was finalized, I found myself back in the cesspool that is the single life. THIS time, Craigslist was discovered. People advertise t4m/m4t/t4t. Oh, my. Long story short (yeah, right. I don't even see the top of this post anymore...), I hooked up with someone who ALSO liked wearing hosiery/lingerie. I won't get into details, but we had fun. On the way home, I became disgusted with myself again and threw away my "stuff." This has been an ongoing thing buy/purge. Until yesterday. I had been playing on webcam and in gay chatrooms. Yes, this escalated quickly. ;-) I found someone local. We talked and agreed to hook up. This is where it gets quirky-er. I, in my mind, decided I was going to take a submissive role. I put on a pair of skinny jeans I actually bought for Halloween, my driving moccasins and a polo t-shirt. I'm slender, and always been told I'm good looking. Getting to his house, he agreed. To cap this, we had sex. I bottomed for him. I've actually looked at that last sentence a few times and am getting angry with myself all over again. Did it feel crazy good? Yes. I left there FURIOUS with myself. Self-loathing practically spilling out of my windows as I drove back to my neighborhood. Being Catholic, I called a priest from another parish IMMEDIATELY and asked for a sacrament of reconciliation (confession), which was obliged. I've stepped back from the proverbial ledge but acknowledge I NEVER want to feel that way again. Wish I could provide something a bit more uplifting, but I'm sitting here one day later typing out what has turned into a full-fledged spleen venting. If you're still here, thanks for reading.
Your Catholic guilt is preventing you from seeing this thing clearly in my opinion. If you could, at least temporarily, step away from your guilt and try seeing your situation objectively, it might help. I may be showing my age here, but as they used to say in 60s, "If it feels good, do it." Try "doing it" again but making an effort to squash down your guilt and you might have some insights that would be useful.
I do see your point. My rebuttal is this: what I did yesterday represents such a small part of who I am. I DID feel guilty about it, but realize that's fruitless. It's still too "new" for me to step back and decide how I really feel about it. For now, I'm just trying to accept that something in me decide to go and actually physically do it. At this point, I don't know if it was a "get it out of the way and have the experience" thing or what... My first encounter, a few years back, was a different mindset and physical experience. Something that happened this time didn't happen the first time..
Yest, Catholic guilt is playing a big role for you. Forget that for a bit, just think about you, if you were no religion. Now is being LGBTQ really bad, harmful or evil in any way if you are not religious? No, of course not. Seeing beauty and sensuality in anyone is not wrong or bad, or evil, it's just recognizing the beauty in front of you is all. Second gay or not, lots of men enjoy cross dressing. Nothing wrong there, that's just one of many kinks humans might have. I've got a very close friends who happens to be a gay man and, a drag queen, yep he likes wearing female clothing and, makeup but nothing trans about him. He was also raised in a very religious home and, in face was forced into conversion therapy, which failed, of course. After his first gay sexual experience, first sex period but, it was after therapy and, with a man, which eh greatly enjoyed but, after the fact, he sat in his room with a gun to his head. Yeah guilt was that bad for him. Thankfully he didn't kill himself but, he was very close to doing it. Second time, same thing only he tried something else, almost succeeded but, was brought back my the paramedics. Long story of all sorts of issues, all stemming from his upbringing and being taught that gay was totally bad and wrong, unnatural, sinful, evil, etc... and thus he was a horrible person for being gay and failing to change himself into a straight person. But, with the help of friends and, a decent therapist, he's happy now. Yes he broke up with his male fiance a few months ago but, it was he that called off that relationship for safety reasons. ( fiance got into drugs and unprotected sex with random partners.) But even then, my friend was okay and, still happily gay and, ahppily dressing as a woman whenever he feels like it. He even goes to work wearing blouses, makeup, heels, and sometimes part male and part female clothing. Why? because he learned that being who he was was great, even if no one else understood or even approved of him. He learned to approve of and enjoy himself and, to have fun being himself. Do you know how popular, well liked and, respected he is? he's one of the best in his career field, he's young, amazingly wealthy, surrounded by friends, admirers and, everyone that knows him likes him. He's real, he's confident and, he isn't afraid to be himself and, let it show. Yes it was a long road, and I walked a similar road many years ago. My friend and I are not alone. Even though we don't fin norms, don't act our "proper" part in this world, we are liked, accepted, and people do envy us. Not for being different but, for being confident and unafraid to show who we are. Confidence is attractive and, it makes you feel good too. Not easy to learn or gain but, so worth the journey.
It seems to me that you are not straight and that you are scared that you are not straight. Clearly you don't way to be gay or bisexual because you learned growing up that being gay is wrong and evil, yet you are clearly gay or bisexual. You can continue to buy and purge or hookup then confess or you can start to accept yourself. Doing so makes life so much easier.
I'm not going to criticise you, or anyone else, for having your religious beliefs. Religion is fine until it starts to restrict the lives of people, intimidating them and silencing them into unhappiness. You are not wrong for what you want, for how you feel, nor how you identify. No one is wrong for that. People "sin" in so many different ways, most of the time this is overlooked if it's something that most people do and also if it only effects the person choosing to do that. Yet sexuality is something that doesn't harm people (provided that it's between consenting adults) and it also doesn't drag people under, but it's still such a serious offence in so many people's eyes. Why? Why would it ever be wrong to love and accept someone, even if it's just accepting yourself? You aren't wrong for wanting what you want here. You seem to have been forced into unhappiness and for what reason? This is a part of you and that's why you've struggled to suppress it for so long. Once you accept yourself, that alone will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
Clearly you don't want to be gay or bisexual and you are hoping that it goes away on its own. These are typical feelings for someone who is coming to terms with their sexuality. Being gay or bisexual is not a choice; it's how your brain is wired. You feel that being gay or bisexual is wrong based on early childhood messages. Your emotional pain is coming from your resistance to reality. Once you stop fighting how you feel and begin to embrace your sexuality, you will feel less conflicted. You will clear your head of these homophobic messages from early life and begin to love yourself for who you are. Maybe this recent thread might help ... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/226043-owning-being-gay.html
After MUCH thought. It's really overpowering actually, dealing with doubting one's sexuality. I've pretty much decided I'm just going to have to "deal with it." Not beat myself up over it or allow it to consume me--at least not like it has this entire week. I'm doing my best to come to terms with the fact that I tried something, I liked it and keep it to that. What I did NOT find is a new lifestyle. What I have is what I have and making this kind of decision to start something this huge THIS late in life is, to me overwhelming. The risk/reward is not worth it to me. I know there are people who are thinking "yeah, keep repressing this. You're not going to have a happy ending!" I hear you loud and clear!! I'm not going to repress it--feelings I have are feelings I have. Period. I've decided to acknowledge them--to myself. Am I thrilled about it? Well, yes and no. In one breath, I have to smile because I DID try something as huge as this kind of encounter. I now know there's another side to me... On the other side, I simply cannot exercise this other side. Acknowledge? Yes. Fully air it? NO. I'm sure I'll have much more to share in the days ahead. I want to thank everyone who weighed in. It really means a lot you took the time to tap out advice to a total stranger! I was in need of help and you helped! Again, thank you!
