I am a 19 year old Indian girl and I have been increasingly getting confused aboutu sexual orientation orientation. This has been affecting my day to day life alot. So kindly help me. In my early teenage years I guess 14 when I first started fantising about women in a sexual way. I had by chance stumbled upon some lesbian stories and photos and I was pretty amused. So, whenever I thought of having sex it was always with a woman. I could never bring myself to see any porn with guy in it. It felt wrong. When ever the girls around me talked about guys and men, I didn't feel any romantic or sexual attraction but I did find a few of them physically attractive. I was always known as an intelligent, sports lover girl who is a tomboy. In my school years I was never romanticlly attracted to anyone. I hated the term "boyfriend" with all the guts. However, I did imagine myself marrying but deep down I had a lingering feeling that it wont make me happy. The idea of being a lesbian did cross my mind but it was buried down by the social norms. I just thought I hadn't met the right guy as yet. When I was 17, I found a Pakistani actor (Fawad Khan) very attractive. He always gave that wobbly feeling in my legs. However, the attraction was never romantic or sexual in nature, I just liked to look at him. As I entered the college to prove myself I wasnt a gay I started to try fantasizing about guys in a sexual way. The idea of seeing a guy naked repulsed me. Even Fawad Khan didn't feel appealing without clothes. On the other side I started to become aware that I was slightly attracted to girls. Seeing them nude didn't feel disgusting. I just thought that we had the same body parts thats why it didn't feel weird ans I still considered myself straight . After that I started to feel a bit of romantic and sexual attraction toward my best Friend and soon after during the second year of college I had a very huge crush on my female maths teacher. Just talking to her made me hot. I did thought how it would feel to have sex with her. This was very different from any other attraction I had felt. It made me sure, i wasnt straight. At the present time I find the idea of marrying a girl very appealing but occasionally I do have thoughts about sleeping with a guy. I know the above makes me sound like I am gay but there Is another part to it. Most of the people I am close to are female. I have a very strained relationship with my Father . I live in a conservative part of world so being close friends with guys is frowned upon, hence I have never been emotionally close to any male. Its not that I never had the chance to be with a guy, girls much less attractive and note boyish than me have boyfriends but somehow I don't know why I was never able to have a close relationship with guys. So is it possible that since i have always been close to girls both physically and emotionally I only fanatasize about girls. I do find some guys attractive but just because I havent connected with men on a emotional level I can't think about them as more than friends. Kindly help me in determing my sexual orientation as I hate being uncertain about anything in life.
Yeah.. you sound very gay to me. Naked men repulse you, you hated the term 'boyfriend', you can't stand seeing men in porn and you have never been attracted romantically or sexually to a man.... but for women, these feelings are there. It sounds to me that you're using the fact that you've never been emotionally close to guys as a last straw to hold onto the idea that you might be attracted to men. However, you do not need to get close to a man to be sure of your sexuality... It sounds like you've figured yourself out just fine.
Agree with Loveislife. Your story matches the stories of many girls who eventually conclude that they are gay. A good idea is to browse the other postings in this forum. Even people who are very straight sometimes (especially when young) have some thoughts about the same sex, "test" themselves with porn or fantasies, etc. And they still wind up living straight. So your crush on Fawad Khan, for example, doesn't necessarily make you straight. Your maths teacher gets you alll excited though.. that's a telltale sign. It's tough being uncertain about anything in life, but even in math (my field) we prove that you can't prove all true statements. How then in life could we be more certain? But I think we can be confident that you will always like girls more than guys. And it sounds like a girlfriend (as opposed to a girl who is a friend) would (will) be a good thing for you.
