I really need advice, nobody to talk to

First a little bit about me... I am a 26 year old woman. I have known that I love and am attracted to women for as long as I remember, before I even understood what sexuality meant! I have been in many relationships of both sexes (mainly casual with women), both casual and serious. I have tried it all... Needless to say, I have only ever been sexually attracted to women. I am in a monogamous relationship with a man that I love dearly for two years. He knows I am bisexual, but he doesn't think that I am bisexual since I am only with him.. This is where the problems arise.

He is amazing in almost every way. He is my best friend and there is no lack of communication in our relationship. Except for sex. We are unable to discuss anything sex related. I have a high libido and he can go an entire month without sex. It's quite difficult because I can never discuss any of this with him because it makes him uneasy. I have needs and urges that I am starting to feel are way beyond him. I want to still be sexual with women to satisfy my needs, but I am unsure of how he would take that.

We recently signed a lease for our apartment and we have a strong relationship. I should have listened to the little voice in my head that kept telling me to not sign the lease, but now we are in the lease for another 10 months.

The other problem is I have been doubting my sexuality my whole life. There is a part of me buried deep inside that tells me I am a lesbian. I am not physically or sexually attracted to men, but my boyfriend just became my best friend and I feel that I got comfortable with the situation because it felt safe. I only think about women. I often wonder what it would be like to be in a full fledged relationship with a woman. When I have been with women, I always felt like the more dominant one and the nurturer.

I know this whole post is becoming jumbled because my thoughts are now flying all around me as I am typing this. I am just tired of not feeling the touch of a woman and not knowing what to do about it. I am torn between my morals and doing what is right for me. I am afraid that if I suggest an open relationship, he will take it the wrong way. I don't want to hurt him and lose him... But I don't believe I am bisexual and it's causing me to get more depressed as this relationship keeps going. I would appreciate advice from people who have been in similar situations. I don't have any friends to talk to about this and I figured I would give this a shot..

 

Thank you both for responding. It's mainly I hate the thought of hurting him. I know there probably is no good way to discuss this with him. I'm also afraid that I might be wrong about myself. I guess a lot of it comes down to self doubt

 

I love him in every way possible, but nothing physical. No desires, urges, passion. There is no affection or touch between us. I guess it is more of a friend kind of love. It's to the point that I feel that if I lose him, a chunk of me will be gone forever. He is my rock, as I am his. But it doesn't go beyond emotional love. He has become my best friend. He will give me a peck in the morning and at night, but it's like the kind of peck you give your mother as a child before you go to school. When we are in public and private, I don't think anybody would be able to tell that we are a couple.

My self doubt stems from years of resentment towards myself. For years I have been in denial, forcing myself into various relationships with men to try to make them stick. They have always ended up the same way, we move in together, there is no sex, I lose motivation to make them happy because I become very depressed, and we fight and I move to another state. I have always chosen the "flight" method when it all boils down to it's raw entities. It is different with my current situation because I never lasted longer then 6 months. This is going on two years and we have been perfectly content in our bubble. Maybe it is because I have gotten older and neither of us know anyone out here. We recently moved to another state and I am scared about being somewhere completely alone without any family or friends.

I know that either way it will hurt him, but it will also hurt me. I keep putting myself in these situations telling myself it will be different this time. My mom already accepted me before I even understood myself that well. In high school I would tell her that I needed to talk to her. Her first response would be "Are you pregnant?". Nope lol complete virgin. Her next questions always without a hitch would be "Are you a lesbian?". She told me she voted to approve gay marriage "In case any of her daughters ever ended up being gay, she wanted us to have the same rights as everyone else..." My dad is another story...Complete conservative, republican, old school.

My depression, self-loathing, and self-doubt has always been because I can't accept myself for who I am because I am scared that I will be wrong. I am afraid to let myself be happy and explore because I don't want to lose anybody again. I left home and got married at 19 because I think I was subconsciously trying to prove something to myself. I didn't speak to my parents for years. Now we are on great terms and I don't want to lose them again. Right now I only have my boyfriend, my poarents, and my sister.

On top of all that, it is so difficult to talk about anything sex-relateds with my boyfriend because he skirts around the issue. He knows I am at least bisexual. But he thinks that I am straight because I am with him. He thinks who you are with defines what you are. He doesn't say it to be rude, he simply has his own beliefs. But I am so mad at myself for lying to myself for all these years. I loved my best friend in elementary school, which I have already realized I didn't feel platonically about her. I was deeply in love with my best friend of ten years through middle school and high school. I remember that I actually knew I loved her in every way, but I was too afraid of ruining what we had....

I wish it was as simple as flipping a light switch. I have been struggling with this since I was young. I recently found an old yahoo answers account of mine from middle school asking the same kinds of questions. That was nearly 13 years ago.

 

You are right. I really shouldn't be worrying about what others are expecting me to be. (I love the quote btw). I was mainly posting and reading in this forum to reassure myself once again that this isn't crazy. It really helps to see that other people have gone through this type of situation as well. This is the best way to describe how I am feeling. I feel like the mouse dangling above the lion's mouth, trying so hard to hold on to that last piece of thread. How do you just accept reality? Do you just let go of all of your pent up feelings and emotions and start living life for yourself? "Two roads diverged into a yellow wood..." For all these years I feel like I have been stuck in this loop at the same impasse with the same decisions to make. Is it normal to be this scared?

 

LoveisLife, I cried reading this. Everything you say rings so true to me. I am my biggest critic. The most difficult part of all this is that I have to start fresh to meet friends that could understand my situation. I've actually been writing for years and I know that the main reason that it is difficult to accept myself is the simple fact that I am more worried about hurting and disappointing others' then myself. It is time for me to work on making myself happy, I just find it hard to figure out what the initial steps in that process may be. I feel like this would make my world do a 180 degree flip. Where did you begin when you came out to yourself?

 

That's so weird! It was here...

 

Yeah I see your posts now.

 

Thank you I appreciate it!

 

Thank you so much for saying this! You are very right... It is just so hard to let go of this fear. I have been through so many awful situations that I have just programmed myself to survive and do what it takes to be stable. (Even when it means I may have to compromise who I am) As soon as I think I am getting myself out of this vacuum-like pattern, I suck myself back in!

Plus it is always such terrible timing that I let these thoughts and realizations of myself surface. Always the holidays for some reason... I am about to start a new job in January (Long waiting period) and I am trying to work on getting a car. I feel that if it ends up being the worst case scenario, that I am going to start at point zero once again, just after moving to a new state only a few months ago.

I think a lot of why I push my feelings deep down is usually because I am worried that it is going to make my life an extremely scrambled mess. For all I know, he may be willing to let the lease ride out and wait to decide the living situation till then.. (After I tell him) To me that would be the best case scenario. The worst case is that this will all blow up in my face and I won't have anywhere to go.

All-in-all, every year I come back to this site and start fresh with this discussion and now I am just getting older to the point that I don't want to waste my life and suddenly end up in my fifties miserable and alone.

 

I couldn't agree with you more. It's been a long time since I have had somebody in my life that I could trust as much add I trust him. I don't trust easily. I usually stick to myself and end up being a lone wolf with nobody to talk to. I'm just the type to think of all the scenarios and make plans to correspond with each possible case.