Hey, i'm female and i'm 18. For most of my life, i have identified as straight, however, from roughly the age of 15, I started to notice females too. I started to feel physically attracted to some women but I could never go as far as to say that I was crushing on them or anything so I just assumed that I was still straight. I'm not homophobic at all and I never have been, however, my parents are very homophobic and have no idea that I'm questioning. I have never been with anyone of any gender in a romantic way but I definitely felt more comfortable being attracted to men than women, mostly because of how I know that I would never be able to come out to my parents. I started college in September and there's a girl, we'll call her 'Blue' for the sake of this thread, who I'm attracted to. I met her on enrolment, our tutor introduced us. It was really awkward but I definitely felt attracted to her immediately and couldn't explain it. I haven't seen her that much since but one of my friends is now friends with her so i've been seeing more of her over the last couple of weeks. So my feelings have started to develop in the way that crushes usually do, i've started thinking about her more and I feel drawn to her. I didn't know her sexuality for definite but I had a feeling that she's a lesbian. Last week she told our group of friends that she identifies as a lesbian and since then my feelings have definitely developed more. I think just knowing that she's not straight has made me more comfortable exploring my feelings... However, it's still my first crush on a (real) girl so I feel nervous about what this means for me. I don't want to pursue a relationship with her (or another woman in the future) if i'm not sure about what I want. I try to imagine myself with another girl and I can't. I try to imagine myself with a guy and I can't. As I said previously, i have never been with anyone in that way at all so i can't really imagine what it would be like... I am quite an awkward person and I can't show affection easily and i can't discuss my feelings with anyone (apart from online). I guess i'm quite disconnected emotionally, which is probably the main reason why i'm so unsure. I'm making this thread just for some advice... What should I do about my feelings? I doubt that Blue would ever like me back and I don't want to make things awkward. No one knows that I'm questioning so i don't want to make my feelings too obvious (by trying to get closer to her) after Blue has so recently told us her sexuality. My friends will add it up and I'm not sure how they would react. I don't want to go through the awkwardness of them finding out if i don't have a chance with Blue anyway. I can't avoid her though because she's part of our friendship group now. I don't want to avoid her but when I spend time with her, i can't help but overanalyse everything, which makes me even more confused. I like the way that she looks at me sometimes when i talk... It makes me think that there could be a connection there. (!) ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2016 at 12:13 PM ---------- Also, I can't imagine being with men or women. I know that I want to be and I know that i've been turned on by both men and women... But as soon as I imagine getting close to a specific person then i feel strange, like i can no longer imagine doing that. It this my social anxiety or intimacy issues or something? It's not that I don't want to have sex... it's more like i don't think i would feel comfortable being so close to anyone. Perhaps it's just severe insecurity.
