I've noticed that whenever I talk about my sexuality, my crush, or make comments about women IRL, I feel really really sick and kind of guilty. I thought I was okay with my sexuality-- even proud of it!-- for a long time, when all of that information was held internally... but now that I am (slowly) coming out to people in real life, I'm realizing I have more issues with it than I first thought. I'm learning that expressing my sexuality holds much more weight in practice than it did when I was just acknowledging it in my head. For example, I have been anxious nonstop for four days because I cuddled with a girl. That's it! That's all we did! And yet I haven't been sleeping well at all since then. I've been more nervous and figity than I am usually, and I will randomly start thinking about it out of the blue and it totally changes my mood (in a bad way). I'm totally fixated on this event even though nothing happened. I'm terrified to find out how I'll feel after I actually kiss a girl, or more. I wish that being gay didn't have this horrible stigma that makes me feel guilty and sick just for being the way I am. I think about how all my straight peers had their first kisses when they were like 12, and how, for most of them, it is a really great memory. Then they were able to date people throughout their high school years and figure out who they are and who/what they like and what they want to gain out of relationships. And now, people I grew up with are getting happily engaged to their partners who they've been dating for years, while I still don't even know how to flirt. I don't know what to do. I know I need to accept and love myself fully and totally, but I don't know how. Even when I'm talking to my gay friends about me being gay, the feeling of discomfort is still there, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help! Any advice will be greatly appreciated!
I've been trying to think of how to respond to this. I wish I had the right words for you, because I feel for you and I know what's like to be constantly thinking about something that concerns you and unable to know how to cope with it. I do believe that you're right when you say that at least some of this has to do with self-love. Although I've been struggling a lot with my own issues lately, one thing I have never had a problem with is being confident in myself and loving myself. In fact, friends have occasionally commented that I am perhaps a little TOO confident, maybe occasionally bordering on arrogant. I believe that's part of WHY I have been struggling recently, because feeling like I don't know WHO I am conflicts with that constant self-confidence I have always had. But the point is, one thing I know is that it's definitely hard to get over the stigma of what other people think of you, or even to move on from that discomfort if you haven't first been able to say "This is me. I accept me. I LOVE me." 100%. And that sort of thing is never easy. We are all flawed creatures. So looking yourself in the mirror and being able to not only say it, but also BELIEVE it, can be a true struggle. The other night you gave me some great advice. So I'd like to try to give a little back to you. The only thing I can really think to say to you is this: Who CARES if people are getting engaged right now and you feel you aren't at the same level? Who cares if they have all had the same partners for years? Why is that important? Who cares when or where or how any of those people had their first kisses? OR what they thought about them? Because I'll be honest, I lived completely straight until just recently, I had MY first kiss around the time you're mentioning and you know? It was NOT awesome. In fact, he kissed like a slobbery dog and got it all over my face. It was disgusting, I was disgusted, and I thought I'd probably never kiss again...I did. But the fact is that when people brag about how amazing their first ANYTHING is, often they're lying. 'First' things are not always that great. High school relationships typically don't last forever anyway. And if it's their experience you're concerned about, don't be, because... Everyone moves at their own pace. Every person's journey is different. Please don't try to base how you believe you should be feeling or expressing yourself on what your peers (straight or otherwise) are doing or where they are on their own paths. One of the first steps in learning to fully love and accept yourself is realizing that the only opinion that matters about you is YOUR OWN. Fuck everybody else (can I say that?) Yes, it is easier said than done. But in order to cope with this anxiety and realize that you do not need to feel sick or guilty for cuddling with a girl, or anything else related to your sexuality, maybe start by reminding yourself that you WERE proud of it until such time as you started coming out? Because by the sound of this, you were doing okay until you began revealing yourself to other people. And as you mentioned before, it's your fear of being "Other"-ed that seems to be causing quite a few of your problems. Why should you be proud of yourself one minute, and sick over it the next? Answer: You shouldn't. You've nothing to feel guilty about. Love yourself. You're WORTH it. I don't know whether any of this was any help or not, but I wanted to at least let you know that I am here for you. And if you ever just want to talk, I'm willing to listen.
Thanks for saying all that MzMayhem, because I was going to but was still sorting through how to say it.
