I am at a complete loss. I've thought about it a lot, but have no clue what I'm attracted to or not. I'm not really looking for help coming out, in recent years I've said bi when someone asks but almost never volunteer it. I don't feel a need for a label per se. I just want to understand my own feelings, and was hoping others had some insight. I've noticed women for longer, but have never really had any female friends. Well I have one, but am not remotely interested in her. I used to fantasize about certain girls fairly regularly, but it was almost always superficial. Not even just sexually, but emotionally the fantasies were shallow. That said while dancing with one of my crushes I got embarrassingly aroused even though nothing further happened. I ran into the girl who gave me the strongest and deepest feelings for after not having seen her or really thought much about her after six months and literally the first thing that crossed my mind was "How did I ever let her get away?" Despite all of this I've never been physical with a girl. My porn preference my freshman year of college was lesbians. With guys it started with a younger guy who I was sure was gay (and was later proved right). He annoyed me, but also managed to inspire a sort of big brother instinct. Like the little brother I never had, except I also fantasized about sleeping with him. I'm pretty sure he hit on me a few times, but since I didn't want a relationship only sex and that felt super exploitative, I played dumb. From then on guys would occasionally figure into my fantasies, but only in a sexual way. I didn't want a relationship with a guy even after my porn preference morphed into exclusively gay. A friend of mine changed that. He made the room seem brighter, and I searched for excuses to hang out with him. It wasn't passionate though and I didn't feel the fire that girls have inspired. Still when I left the country for a few months it was his name that I thought of every single day often multiple times. I don't even really want him sexually, it's not that I don't want him sexually, I think he's a good looking guy, but I don't know if it's in a sense of "he's a good looking guy I'd hit that" or "I want him in a way I don't want anyone else." To make matters worse I have hooked up with a few guys to try and see if I really swung that way. It was universally awkward and boring. Not repulsive for the most part, but uninteresting. This did nothing to change my fantasies, so I've sworn off hookups. They didn't arouse me the way dancing with one girl did. Why do I fantasize about guys when girls are what set me on fire? If I had been in a relationship with my guy friend (I asked, he said he was straight and I dropped the subject) would I have felt that fire? Did/do I love him? Are my feelings for girls as shallow as they feel or would depth develop given time? Moreover what the heck am I actually attracted to? I'm so confused...
Hey Incompleteness, First, take a deep breath. Each of us comes to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality in our own individual timeframe. Ultimately, though only YOU can actually know what your sexual orientation actually is. Porn preferences are a poor indicator of sexuality. When you masturbate these days, do you fantasize exclusively about men or both men and women? What do you mean when you write "...I didn't feel the fire that girls have inspired" and “Why do I fantasize about guys when girls are what set me on fire?” Pretty much all of the rest of your post talks about your attraction to men. Some people need to get to know someone else before they can develop romantic feelings for them. Although it is not formally identified category/label, perhaps you might check out this site and see if it kind of describes how you experience sexuality. What is Demisexuality? | Demisexuality Resource Center Many of us who grow up in a strict heteronormative society have trouble consciously recognizing and accepting our same-sex attractions. Is it possible that you are in denial to some degree about your same-sex attractions? It is possible that you are bisexual, as you said that you have previously self-identified. Many bisexuals experience a fluidity in their sexual attractions which can include a changing primary attraction to one gender or the other over time. You might check out that talks about what it means to be Bisexual, in general. How to Tell if You're Bisexual - Is Bisexuality a Choice? Keep in mind, though, that labels are artificial and each of us are individuals. The most important thing is for you to understand and accept your own sexuality, not to try to pigeon-hole yourself into a category. Just some thoughts. I don’t know if that helps you…
Thank you for taking the time to write this. The demisexual thing seems like it reasonably describes how I feel about guys I think. But it discounts how I feel about women. I don't think I explained that part very well. Specific girls, not really girls in general, have excited me very strongly over the years. It's a much stronger arousal and excitement than I've ever felt towards a guy. Just dancing with one turned me on to an embarrassing degree. I've never had the chance to pursue it though and the feeling fades with time. One did briefly manage to respark it just by saying hello once though. That's what I meant by fire. No guy has ever made me feel that way. Even one of my best friends who I think I might be in love with.
O.K. What about my question: And what does this mean: Why do you say that you might be ‘in love’ with one of your best friends if he doesn’t even make you feel the same ‘fire’ that some women do? I’m not trying to be obtuse here. I’m trying to understand because you are using a lot of terms that don’t clearly explain your feelings or attractions. And, of course, I’m mostly trying to help you to help yourself understand. Could you try to better explain what you think the main differences are between your attraction towards women and your perceived attraction towards men?
My fantasies when I masturbate are pretty much exclusively men. And I fantasize quite a bit. Said friend features quite a bit, but that's not why I think I love him. I think that because he brightens a room by walking into it, by that I mean he lightens my mood without even having to do anything. Having him around makes me happy in a way no one else ever has. I think about him often even I haven't actually seen him since May. It feels different from just a regular friendship in a way that's hard to describe. To summarize the differences between guys and girls: I fantasize about men, but reality doesn't measure up. I do check out guys in real life though. I feel a real deep emotional attraction to my friend. I don't fantasize about girls much anymore, but I used to. The right girl makes my whole body feel electric though. Like a huge adrenaline rush. However it's usually shallow and doesn't last.
So, if I understand what you wrote correctly, you are physically attracted to women and emotionally/romantically attracted to men. But you find that real sexual activity with men (as opposed to fantasies) doesn’t feel as good or ‘right’ to you as real sexual activity with women? Can you imagine yourself settling down in a long-term relationship with a man (your best friend or anyone else)? What about with a woman? When you are around your best friend and especially when you touch him (whether it’s incidental contact or a handshake or whatever), does your heart race? Do your palms sweat?
That's a pretty decent encapsulation I think. Well except for sexual activity with women being better. The closest I've come to sexual activity with a woman was that dance which excited me. I've never had a chance to go further so I don't know for sure if that would too. Picturing it doesn't come easy for some reason. I've imagined myself settling down with my friend and also with a couple of guys I met online. I've a harder time picturing it with women, but I think that's because I always picture someone specific. I only know one girl well enough to try and picture her that way and I've never been attracted to her so it doesn't work. I think my hear picked up a bit when I gave him a hug. That said I'm pretty touchy feely once I know someone really well and he's the antithesis of that, so maybe I was just happy he let me hug him?
Then, do you think that perhaps you are gay, but are still having a hard time accepting it? We grow up in a heteronormative environment and expectations of those around us and of ourselves, internally, are often that we are just automatically heterosexual. So when we realize that we have same-sex attractions, it can take a long time to fully understand and ultimately accept that. At this point, you seem to clearly describe to me romantic and sexual attraction to guys, but really only romantic/friendship/admiration attachment to women. From all of your descriptions, you could be gay or you could be bi, but with a strong preference for men. Only you can really ever know for sure. As I said early on, the most important thing here is for you to understand your own sexuality. Any labels that you choose to identify with are really most useful just on those occasions when you feel it necessary to describe your sexuality to others. I don't know if that helps you at all...
I don't think I could identify as gay without answering two questions. 1. Why did the gay sex I tried (admittedly they were basically hookups) feel so boring and awkward? I wanted it to be good, but it felt like I was washing dishes or something. 2. Why do specific women (I very definitely have a type) excite me so deeply? If I was gay shouldn't guys do that instead? The demi thing might answer question 1. Question 2 is the kicker. It makes me think I'm attracted to women and also doubt the depth of my attraction to men.
Well, only you can really answer those questions for yourself, but I'll throw a couple more things out there for consideration. On your first question, going back my original post to you on this thread: If you are in some denial, that could affect your ability to enjoy sex with a guy. On your second question, yes, some guys should definitely excite you like that if you are gay, but again, denial/internalized homophobia could explain some of that. Young gay guys for the purposes of our discussion here – can get sexually aroused and even perform sexually with opposite sex partners. If you read through threads in the LGBT Later in Life forum, you will find quite a number of guys who were gay but got married to women who were essentially their best friends as opposed to wives, but they could still perform sexually with them. And then, at some point, they couldn’t ‘pretend’ in the bedroom anymore and the reality that they are gay finally hit them full-force. Perhaps you are straight, but curious. It’s possible that you’ll find a woman that you are attracted to and find that being intimate with her (even just kissing and cuddling, not necessarily having sexual intercourse) may be so different and electrifying from your experiences with men that you will just KNOW that that is what is right for you. Finally, have you seen or considered seeing a therapist about this? A therapist could discuss this in more detail with you than is even possible here on this anonymous website, plus he/she has training that most of us on this site don’t have. In the meantime, though, why don’t you just keep doing what feels ‘right’ to you and keep asking the deeper questions of yourself that you’re clearly asking here so that you can continue to explore in order to understand and accept your sexuality?
Actually I am about to start seeing a therapist about my depression. I'm depressed for other reasons, but it couldn't hurt to bring this up too. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I don't think I'm any less confused than before, but the effort really means a lot.
You're welcome. I hope you can reach an understanding of your sexuality soon and I wish you all the best!
