So, I’ve been thinking. Am I actually gay, or do I just want to be? I’m probably overthinking this, I know it sounds weird but I do wonder this sometimes. It feels weird to be asking this question now, particularly as I used to be somewhat homophobic in the past and I know I certainly wouldn’t have asked such a question then. Spoiler I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Well, more daydreams than dreams, but yeah. There was one where I imagined a bearded woman on the bus, I’m not sure what that says about my mind. Then I had a dream where I was in a relationship with a guy. Weird thing is, if I intentionally try to imagine these things, it doesn’t come naturally, but if I don’t then I can. I’m not sure why I’m imagining these things. I’ve always sort of just dismissed these weird dreams, but why? I mean, why do I dismiss these dreams but not with women? I go through phases, sometimes I can’t picture myself with a woman, other times that’s all I picture. Sometimes I think about what women like in men, and why. I question about the things people go on about in masculine looking men and feminine looking men, and compare those qualities. Spoiler I’ve never really had a crush on a guy. But, I feel like I’ve come close. Sometimes I wonder “what if” a lot, like what if I missed something because I was too busy focusing on something else and was just blind to my feelings and that I actually did have a crush on someone or something like that. That I was just oblivious to it. What if I missed it? I know I could always develop a crush on a guy, you never know. But then the other side of me thinks, “But you’re 17 now, is it likely that’ll happen?” and I don’t know. I know of cases where it has happened, where women have only discovered their love of men later on in life when they previously thought they were a lesbian and not bisexual. Can anyone ever truly know their sexuality? Do you think a person’s sexuality can change, or does the person’s perception change as they discover themselves better? I don’t have much experience in the relationship department, and although I have had positive daydreams about certain women, reality could be different. I’ve never even kissed anyone before. What if I don’t actually like women? What if I just misinterpreted my feelings for girls/ what if my feelings change and I lose interest in women? Spoiler Will I ever develop a crush on a guy? I get hit on by guys quite a bit, and it’d be easier if I fell for a guy. I sometimes have daydreams about guys, but they’re never about a specific guy, whereas with women sometimes it’s specific, sometimes it’s not. I mean, if I was gay then why would I be having daydreams such as this? But if I’m bi, then why haven’t I fallen/ had a crush properly on a guy before? I doubt I’m straight really, I know I’ve been caught checking out girls in the past so that isn’t really an option anymore, plus I’ve had some pretty hard crushes before on women. There are certainly times where I wish I was straight, falling for straight girls is a pain. I wouldn’t exactly miss it if that was out of my life. There have been times where I thought I liked a guy, but then I tried to imagine kissing them and felt indifferent/ wanted to throw up. Somehow, I don’t think that was because of nerves, but you never know…maybe I have some internalised misandry or something. The fantasies I have about men don’t tend to be romantic, since I haven’t experienced that yet, but they can sometimes be sexual. Either way, they leave me feeling confused as to why I imagined it. Maybe I’m overthinking all this. Any thoughts?
You ask all the right questions. And probably suspect all the answers too. Like does anyone ever truly know their sexuality? No, because (unless everything is predestined) the future hasn't happened and we are all in the same clueless boat. You sound like a gay girl who can have sexual fantasies about guys. And maybe act on them someday. It happens. (Don't break their hearts.) Embrace diversity! Sympathy for those crushes on straight girls, that hurts doesn't it? I'd look around for some GSA (gay-straight-alliance, that's what we call them in the States) or LGBT groups and go to a meeting.
First off, the whole GSA thing isn’t really an option for me. I’m not out to my family yet, so it’s not like I could just go without arousing some suspicion. I don’t really know that many openly gay people either, at least probably no one I could take and say I was going for the sake of supporting them. The College’s LGBT group is just a twitter page, and that’s it. Plus, it won’t be that long until I leave anyway. Maybe someday I’ll be able to join such a group, but for now I’m going to have to rely on online spaces such as this. Yeah, I agree. You can never really tell what the future will hold, and sometimes that can be scary. The whole “You sound like a gay girl who can have sexual fantasies about guys” is curious to me, is that possible? If I’m gay, then why do I have such fantasies? Why would I? But then I’ve never really had a crush on a guy, and I don’t hold that much interest in men so…eh? But then there are times where I question how I feel, and I don’t know.
