I am a 15 year old girl who is struggling to accept who I am. All my life I have been bullied and discriminated against. I've only started to have real friends the beginning of this school year, and friendship is a new feeling for me. I feel like this factor of my life is fundamental to discovering my sexual orientation because I feel as if it is difficult for me to decipher feelings of attraction and feelings of admiration. I'm aware of the feeling of "attraction" I feel towards girls. I fantasize about females and males, although I fantasize much more about girls than boys. However, this is a new feeling for me. When I was younger (6th grade and below) all I felt was this so called crush towards boys where I tried to act cool in front of boys to gain their attention. I only started to feel a fluttering feelings towards someone in seventh grade who so happened to be this girl in my class (which lasted the whole year). However, in the same school year, I sometimes daydreamed about kissing boys and holding their hands. The following year, I didn't really have interest in relationships until sports practice where I had this massive crush on this girl in my team (It may had been admiration of her very good skills though. But is it normal to daydream of her asking you out if you admire her?). This year, I began with a crush on a boy but then these feelings of attraction towards multiple girls came over me. I think of boys still but more girls. However, I am just unsure if these feelings are attraction or not because of how I never have had a very good relationship with a boy. I feel like I may just be more comfortable towards girls because I had better relationships with them. Maybe these feelings towards girls are just admiration? I just what to figure out who I am. *Quick fact: Always am awkward and somewhat blank around boys. I act very different around boys than girls.
Hi Hemospectrum, I have read your post and there are a few things i can say that may help you to work things out. Firstly, 15 is a very common age for both males and females to experience thoughts and feeling about your own sexual identity. From what you have said, this has been for a year or two and that is perfectly standard. In the same way that you may change the music you like to listen to, so your preference for male or female will be the same. Firstly, I would say this. Don't be in a rush to define or label yourself, and allow these thoughts and feelings to develop at their own pace. I think there is potential that you are Bi, as thoughts of intimacy with a same sex partner would suggest. For now I think you should simply enjoy being with who you like, male or female and worry less about what you are, and more about if you are happy
You are asking all the right questions, and it sounds like you have a very good understanding of yourself. OK, a good start at understanding yourself. Anyone who can write what you did so clearly is already doing well. Yes, the difference between admiration and attraction is the key. I agree with DeadPoolUK that you are probably not 100% straight. Consider that good -- you are more of a complete person. Remember also that your friends are not any more sure of themselves than you are, they may be asking the same questions. So when you get to the stage of asking someone on a date, treat them like you would like to be treated.
Hey Hemospectrum, You might want to check out this YouTube video and see if it can help clarify anything for you: How to Tell if You're Bisexual - Is Bisexuality a Choice?
