So this is the first time I've wrote on here. I turned 30 this year and I have made it my goal to finally figure myself out and get some peace. I could do with hearing what others think about my story. Growing up I was always attracted to girls, it just happened naturally and I didn't think much about it. I would fantasize about girls in my class and have dreams about them. I would look at the women in catalogues and I had a stack of "lads" mags in my bedroom. I would do whatever I could to catch a glimpse of naked women on films or on the internet. I had huge crushes on some of the girls I knew and that was just how I was. I was obsessed with girls in the same way most boys are. Then one day when I was 15 I had a thought ... what if Im gay? I can still remember why I had the thought as it is seared into my brain. That day I had been watching a film with Ben Affleck in it. I can't remember now which one. Later in the evening I was thinking about the film and about the actors. And then one horrible little thought popped into my head "Why do you keep thinking about Ben Affleck? Does that mean you're gay?" Well after that I had a huge wave of panic and I started crying. I was so scared that I might be gay and to me at the time it would be the worst thing I could be. I blew it completely out of proportion and since that day I haven't been able to get it out my head. Since that day I have never felt completely at peace. I have had some major periods of depression and have been on antidepressants of some kind since the age of 19. So thats 11 years of taking pills. I have seen a number of mental health professionals and had a couple of breakdowns, one in which I tried to commit suicide. And always in the back of my mind the question was there, "are you really gay?" This question has coloured my existence ever since. I was only actually able to tell a psychologist what the real reason for me being so depressed is this year, that I obsess over whether I'm gay. I have had 2 long term relationships in my life. One with the first girl I slept with which lasted for 10 years, including a house and an engagement; and my current relationship of 3 years in which we now live together. Throughout these times I have had varying levels of performance anxiety around sex and failure to perform. Basically the relationships are good apart from me stressing out about sex. From being something I looked forward to it is now something I dread because of the fear of failure. And this just feeds into the constant anxiety and questioning about whether I'm gay. In fact the first time I tried to have sex, on a group holiday with my friends to Greece, I also failed to perform. Everything was fine when I met the girl. In the club I was so turned on and things were great. It was when we got back to the room and I was starting to get undressed that a wave of panic hit me that I was actually going to be naked in front of her. And then of course I went soft due to the worry about performing and couldn't recover from it. I felt so embarrassed and it turned into one of the worst nights of my life. And then all my friends found out and of course I got made fun of. They even got a waiter to pretend that he thought I was coming on to him. I can remember his words, "You look at me a little funny, you're not gay are you?" They all laughed as I died inside. Over all these years I have yet to actually fantasise about a male or get turned on. The overwhelming feeling when I see a male who is attractive is fear and panic. I know they are good looking guys but then my internal voice starts to ask why I have noticed them. Do I actually fancy them and want to be with them? Will I have to change my whole identity and the person that people think I am. I took solace in pornography over a large number of years. I would obsessively watch it to calm myself down and feel normal. I became addicted to it and only this year have actually been able to turn away from it and stop using. I had to install blocker software on a number of my devices but now I do not watch anymore. I thought that this would help with my thinking about being gay and give me some clarity; as I know that even though I only watch lesbian or straight porn that it is not a good indicator of sexuality. But I am now even more depressed. I want to watch porn but since I live with my girlfriend and can't perform for her I feel so much guilt and shame. I could go on and on about this. But this post is long enough as it is. So to those who made it this far, what do you think about me? Am I gay and in the closet? Do I have what I have seen people call HOCD? Do I have general anxiety and depression which focuses on my sexuality as my psychiatrist seems to think? Should I just finally give up and commit a final act of suicide (throwing myself off a tall building is how I will do it)? Or is there something else going on?
Wow, dude, that's.. rough. I don't think that you are gay. You have said nothing in your post that indicates to me that you are attracted to men and you say that you have never fantasized about them and that you never got turned on by them. You just seem to be very afraid of the possibility that you might be gay and you seem to be obsessing about that a lot. Also, if I may ask you this question.. why exactly are you so afraid of being gay? It seems to me that it is because you don't want to chance your whole identity, but the thing is: even if you were gay, you don't necessarily have to do that. Being gay can be hard sometimes, but it certainly isn't the end of the world.
I've asked myself many times what am I so afraid of. There are times when I say to myself ok I'm bisexual, or ok im gay so deal with it. But something just doesn't feel right and I can never settle. I've actually told my current, and previous, girlfriend about these thoughts. Usually when I'm in a panic state. I think definetly there is a fear of not being normal. And a fear of being less than other guys. And a fear and panic of just being alone and not knowing what the future holds. I am very resistant to change and panic during change and want to get away. If I didn't live with my girlfriend I would live with my parents and a lot of the time I want to do just that to ease the pressure. In fact there are times when I freak out and breakdown and do go and stay with them until I feel better. When I feel calm and relaxed I know I like girls and the thoughts of guys just aren't there. It's when I get stressed that the thoughts spiral round my head and even things like reading a newspaper become difficult in case I see a picture of a guy and wonder if im and traced.
Hey confused00, Have you seen or have you considered seeing a therapist? Your issue could mainly just be a case of performance anxiety that a therapist who specializes in such sexually-related issues might be able to help you with. Just a thought.
Yes I have seen a number of people but I've never been able of tell them all of the things I keep bottled up. I really don't know what to do anymore.
Often times, just talking to about the details with a therapist can really help. But therapists are individuals. Sometimes you have to try multiple therapists to find one that you can really connect with and, especially in your case, one with whom you can really open up.
I've probably wrote more here today than I have said to any one person in the last 10 years. I was watching a film tonight with my girlfriend and just wishing I could stop the gay thoughts. If I could get s piece of my brain taken out I would do it.
Oh boy, confused. I actually know exactly what you're going through. Not with freaking out over being gay, but I've done this to myself with other things. I'm going to say, though I am TOTALLY NOT a professional by any means, that you sound like you're dealing with generalized anxiety, and perhaps some OCD tendencies. The disturbing (though being gay isn't disturbing. I identify as pretty much gay/queer leaning toward women, and I don't find that disturbing - but the thought of being gay is disturbing you), ruminating thoughts. Like you think about something that feels completely abnormal to your actual self, and that scares you, and then you question why you're thinking about it, and go down a rabbit hole of self analysis that has absolutely no end because your thoughts go between: am I gay? I don't want to be gay and am not attracted to men. But why am I thinking about them and being gay so much then? Does this mean I'm gay? And then you go on an endless loop until you drive yourself insane. Does that sound familiar to what you go through? If so, I would REALLY consider being totally honest with a therapist and thinking these thoughts out to find rationality. I'm going to second loveislife and say that you're most likely not gay. It sounds like you had a thought that was out of the ordinary for you, and instead of laughing it off and letting it go, you blew it sky high out of proportion. People with generalized anxiety can do this. First, being gay is definitely not something that should scare you. I know it does, and you're valid to have your feelings, but sexuality is completely fluid. If you happened to think Ben Affleck was a good looking dude, then you'd be joined by hundreds of thousands of other hetero men and lesbian/queer/pan women who feel the exact same way. I definitely fancy androgynous women more than men, but how can I deny Ben Affleck is a total hottie? I can't. Good looking people are good looking. I understand it's taboo to be not straight in many places, especially for men. My heart was actually breaking a little over how upsetting this is to you. Again, you're valid to have your feelings, but it shows how demonized thoughts about being attracted to the same sex still are. I still have my own anxieties about it, but reading just how upsetting this is for you, as if it's disturbing on the same level as having thoughts of murdering people or something, makes me sad and want to be like - THIS. IS. NOTHING. TO. FRET. OVER. Because it's really not. I think you need to talk to someone about this over and over until it's nothing for you. But I also don't think it's a bad idea to just accept that there ever could be a possibility that you find some men attractive. That doesn't make you gay. And if you did happen to be gay, it's not something to feel so disturbed about. I'd also be aware that these ruminating thoughts can definitely be the killer of your sex drive. You need to realize that this fleeting thought was only a thought. It can only have so much weight if you give it that weight. Ask yourself if you're truly sexually attracted to guys in a non-judgmental way and see where your mind goes. If it helps, when I first realized that I wasn't straight, I became really freaked out. But I also felt good because I really liked someone. It's something I accepted pretty quickly. And I realized that I'd always had a thing for women. And I was only afraid to tell others - not to accept it for myself, really. I was accepting of it because it made me feel good and felt right. That doesn't mean that's everyone's experience. Many people get super freaked out when they realize they're not straight - but from my experience, the majority have been extremely afraid to tell other people, not disturbed just from merely having the thought of being gay. Again, that doesn't mean others haven't. It's just the majority of what I've experienced. I hope whatbi said made sense. I'm tired, but felt like I needed to comment! Sending you calming hugs. I hope you feel better.
Yeahpldk, thank you so much for your kind words. The way you describe the states I can get myself into was very moving. And I want to apologies for what must seem like quite a bit of homophobia from.me to being gay. I'm not generally homphobic, my cousin is gay and if anything ever happened to him Id chase down who done it. It just seems that I panic about most things and this is just another thing that gives me a lot of stress.
