Unsure of sexuality

Hi all,

I need some advice and help regarding my orientation, I apologize for the long post.

So my story goes that I am a 30 year old man with 2 kids and currently have a girlfriend.

For the best part of 12 years now I have been on and off going over my sexuality with a fine tooth comb and trying to figure out what I identify as.

The initial questioning started for me when I was 14, I was watching a TV show where they had a female model wired up to a machine to test her reactions and they showed a picture of David Beckham topless. Her reaction was an increased heart rate and she got all flustered, I noticed that my heart rate also increased which made me question myself. I was always teased in school and frequently called gay because I was left handed, silly I know. All of my crushes throughout my life have been on females and I don’t recall (unless I was ignoring it) crushing over any men/boys.

This suddenly moved on and by age 17 I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend. When we were together, I had no problems with erections or being turned on and I lost my virginity to her. I remember being about a year in to this relationship when I got really, really depressed about the possibility I was gay. The main reason for me thinking I was gay was because I got this reaction seeing topless men. I told my girlfriend at the time of how I was feeling and how depressed I was and it pretty much ended our relationship and I was devastated.

From then on, I was single for 6 months or so, had a one night stand with a female, again no problem in the downstairs department. I then met another girl, whom I was in a relationship with for 5 years (although how it lasted that long I will never know). When we first met face to face, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together and I literally spent the whole night led there with an erection, all I wanted to do was have sex. We didn’t actually end up having sex but still. As things developed, she told me her brother was gay and initially this caused me to start questioning my own sexuality again. We ended up having a child together however split not long after he was born, this was mutual.

Again, time passed and I stayed single for 2 years, in that time I hooked up with a few women and probably had about 10 one night stands, again no issues with the sexual side of things and most of the time I was really turned on by wanting to have sex with these women.

Ok as for now, I am with my girlfriend and have been for 3 years, we have a child together also. When we first met, we were probably having sex every single time we saw each other, if not every other and sometimes 2-3 times a day. The sex side of things has slowed down a lot since and I find myself either not wanting sex at all or struggling to get/maintain erections.

I have been looking over the forums a lot recently and noticed that many people say “who do you fantasise about when you masturbate” and things like that when someone is questioning their sexuality. Well, I can say that I have never fantasized about men when masturbating and when I do watch porn, it’s normally straight or lesbian. I have watched gay porn but only to see if I could get aroused by it or not, as of yet I haven’t been able too. All of my sexual dreams have been about women (except one that I can remember, but this one caused me huge anxiety).

I know a lot has been said about “H-OCD” and I am aware that it is just OCD. I was actually diagnosed with this but I doubt it. I find myself avoiding things (like TV shows with good looking men in as it triggers my doubts because I recognize their attractiveness) and as for other OCD manifestations I have had a few, they have been saying a prayer at night before I went to sleep about my family and if I didn’t do it right, I would have to repeat it otherwise I was scared they would be harmed. I used to tap things a lot (still do to a degree) and if I didn’t do it right, I would need to do it until it was right. I used to make sure that I aligned the cutlery dead straight on the dinner table. I feel the need to count when I am drinking as my gulps need to be an even number. When I was younger, I had a fear that my heart was going to stop and it would cause anxiety and make me panic. I cannot keep the volume on the TV/Radio on an odd number, it has to be even. If I watch the clock on a football match and it is ticking over to the next minute, I have to watch it go past.

There are more but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

Another reason that makes me question myself is that I am not the stereotypical sort of guy that makes comments like “look at the tits on that” or “id love to smash her”, like a lot of my friends do.

I know there is nothing wrong with being gay, I have said to myself many a time that I am gay and that’s OK, but I still find myself questioning. In the worst cases, it is debilitating and I literally struggle to cope. I have thought that I am in denial and looked for ways to over come denial but nothing works. I have told my parents and I have told my current partner, which at the time alleviated some of the anxiety and made me feel better, but then it comes back again.

I have called an LGBT support line (several times!) and they said it sounds like an anxiety disorder, but I still can’t shake this.

Can anyone relate to this, or does anyone have any thoughts?

I appreciate it’s a stupidly long post but thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

Thanks for the reply guys, it is really appreciated.

This is literally something that plagues me every day (mostly every day) and I literally think about it from the minute I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.

I find myself avoiding TV shows, newspapers, magazines etc...just because there may be a good looking guy in it and it will cause me to doubt myself. I even find myself sometimes looking for these things just to test my reactions to them, hoping it will be better.

 

Hi Chip,

Thank you for your reply.

I have just started medication called Sertraline so hopefully that will start to kick in shortly.

I will have a look at the book you've mentioned there and I can't thank you enough for your help and honest feedback.

 

Hi Chip,

Is it natural that I come over all hot if I notice a good looking guy or something? Like a burning sensation in my face (almost an embarrassed feeling).

I should mention that I think I suffer with social anxiety as well, if I am the focus of attention I start to sweat a lot and feel the need to escape, even at work when dealing with customers.

 

Can anyone help?

 

Hi mate,

So my question basically is does that mean I'm attracted to them? Does that mean that I'm gay?

I am so confused by all of this, I don't get that reaction when I see a good looking woman, but I do get it when I'm socially anxious.

I am just trying to figure out the meaning of it all.

 

Hey mate,

I don't always get the blushed, hot type feeling, I only ever get that when I get embarrassed or socially anxious, but I notice I have gotten it before, for example, seeing a gay person on TV or when reading/seeing something related to homosexuality.

I thought I was attracted to women but I don't get any of those feelings around women, no heart racing or blushing feelings.

 

That's all I find myself doing, going around in circles asking questions in my head.

I literally have no idea how to stop it.

 

I know I need to stop the mental questioning and checking etc...it's just so difficult.

It's literally like my mind saying "how can you be gay when you've been very aroused with women", but then I'll question that with something else that happened, like my heart beating seeing an attractive guy...and the cycle continues.

 

I was seeing an OCD therapist but I couldn't afford to keep going as it was so expensive.

As of now, I've seen my doctor who has referred me for counselling but that's it.