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Hitting a wall

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by NotSureAboutMch, Dec 6, 2016.

  1. NotSureAboutMch

    Regular Member

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    I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. Which means I'll probably write a novel. I'm 46. Male. And I hit a wall. Sexuality has confused me so much I stopped dating for 12 years. Just started dating again about 5 months ago. Two women. The first I hurt largely unintentionally when I broke it off with her. The second women I've been much more careful with, which is why I hit a wall. I don't want to hurt anyone because I'm confused. The second woman is the first person I've had sex with in 12, maybe 13 years. She was pushing for sex pretty quickly, which is something that always causes great anxiety for me. That's when things go bad for me. We had sex three or four times. I managed to orgasm once. I struggle with not being able to get to orgasm. A lot of the time I can't tell if I have an erection.
    So, I hit a wall and this past Saturday night, she was the first person besides a therapist, that I told that I'm bisexual. I switch. At least that's what I told her. And what I was thinking at the time. And she held me and I cried. But I've thought a lot of things. I'm gay. I'm straight. I'm female in a man's body. All this trouble comes from my mother's manic/depression schizophrenia. Or because of the unresolved trauma of her dying when I was 15. Or because I have nerve problems. Something I'm pretty sure I have, but doctors can't test nerves in this way. All these have made sense at times.
    So, I've opened the door to the idea of not being completely straight. And I'm pretty convinced I'm completely gay. Until I'm not. I notice a breast or a smile. But then I have trouble being around my male friends. My heart races when I think of seeing them. It's hellishly uncomfortable. These are my friends and that's gross, right? I've had little daydreams of kissing them. I like the thoughts, but shut these thoughts down pretty fast as they make me uncomfortable. I've never gotten an erection thinking about a man. Can't tell if I'm just so uncomfortable with the idea I won't let it happen or if I'm something else. Some hybrid of gay and straight that I want to kiss men, but women give me an erection. Which is true. Just before I joined this site I had a thought of being in bed with the women I cried with. I started to have an erection and I couldn't. The last two days have been too confusing to continue down that road.
    I think it's telling that with all the confusion I've had for so many years, I never sought out a forum like this. It tells me I'm very uncomfortable with anything other than being straight. Maybe much more uncomfortable than most, as 12 years is a really long time. Don't know.
    So, I have a therapy appointment in 4 hours. I'm blown away by the kindness this woman has shown me after knowing her for only 2 months. She has had a lesbian relationship (which I didn't know before) so she just held me and let me cry out my confusion. And I feel so guilty for not feeling attracted to her the last few days. And I really worry that the attraction I felt before that wasn't real. That would make me feel really really bad. I'm not seeing much upside to being gay or bi. But I hit a wall that forced me to tell another person. So, here I am.