Hi everyone. I thought I'd share my story and get peoples' opinions. I have seen a therapist who says I have intrusive thoughts and thinks I'm straight. I have also spoken to my girlfriend, parents and brother about this. I'm a 32 year old man. I got back from travelling with my girlfriend last year. I was pretty miserable when I got home, I couldn't settle again and got right back into my old career which I don't enjoy. I'm working on getting out of that. I always thought of myself as straight, any interest in men didn't go beyond looking at a man and thinking he was good looking. I guess there was one night last year that changed everything. I was out with male friends, drinking. They were making fun of me, I felt like they were testing my sexuality. One of these friends called me gay years ago, but it didn't bother me then. Other people have made comments about me over the years, but I never questioned myself. This night turned me upside down though. Ever since then I am paranoid that people are talking about my sexuality. There is rarely a night out now that I am not paranoid people are talking about me, it happens when I am working too. I was on a job and thought a colleague was talking about me to others. I told him and he said I was being paranoid, but I'm not so sure. Intrusive thoughts also started as well since last year. I would be walking down the street with a male friend and think of holding his hand or kissing him. These thoughts never happened before. I also started thinking of men when having sex with my girlfriend. I don't enjoy these thoughts, thankfully it doesn't happen all the time. I love my girlfriend and am attracted to her, but this has affected my sex life. It has gotten to the point that I wake up most mornings and the first thought that pops into my head is that I'm gay. I never had this before the night out last year. This questioning has become an obsession for me. I think about it all the time. I now look at men and women to gauge my attraction. I definitely look at men differently than I have before. I used to be happy and confident, but since last year my confidence has taken a serious beating and I am not my happy self. I love my girlfriend and she is the number one thing that keeps me happy. However, at times I just want to be single to see what I want. I think that's it for now. I welcome your questions and comments. Let me know if I can clarify anything.
My first suggestion is: Take a deep breath and look at other things that might be going on. Questioning obsessively mostly happens to me if I have other problems I'm not dealing with properly (uni stuff, washing, cleaning, etc.). And I do question myself obsessively too, so I really get your worries. From what you write, there is not much actual reason that you should be questioning yourself (same with me, so I get that), but there might be something. I would suggest the following (this has been my number one way of dealing with questioning and anxiety): 1) Make yourself comfortable. Deal with other problems first and get your life working. Then, when you have free time, make some tea, or whatever you prefer and settle down. Try to answer the following questions: 2) Do you sincerely love your girlfriend? Are you attracted to her? You answered that question in your post, but ask yourself quietly again. If you do, then you are probably not 100% gay. Your attraction to her probably won't vanish magically. I hope this calms you down some. 3) Can you see yourself with a man? If I am relaxed and think about cuddling men and kissing them, I get aroused, I feel good. If that happens to you, you might have a gay side. If these thoughts don't do anything for you, or make you anxious, you are probably not gay. 4) Be open minded! Even if you find some men attractive and would have sex with them, or cuddle and kiss, where is the harm? Questioning gets bad if you fear the answers you might get. But having a gay/bi side only hurts if you fear it. Being bi and in a loving relationship with only women is totally possible if you want that. 5) Think about being gay. Why would you be afraid of that? Where does the anxiety and your lack of confidence come from? The answer to this question is kind of important in my opinion. Do you fear rejection, but secretly wish you could be out and proud? That is what most gay/bi guys I know describe. Do you fear being gay because you sincerely think you are not? Then that is probably just an obsession... Lastly, get yourself some trustworthy support. My boyfriend is incredible when it comes to me questioning our relationship, he is very understanding. Most of the time it helps just talking to him and having him holding me. If you think your girlfriend could support you, then talk to her. Most relationship suffer more from silence then from honesty. She probably already knows something is up... If you feel you can't talk to her, for whatever reasons, find a good friend, or even a professional therapist. In the end, someone to talk to really helps me a lot, especially when I fear that others are judging me or talking about me. You might even compare yourself to LGBT friends, if you have any. Just be prepared that some tend to have a biased look on sexuality. I had one who wanted to push me out of my closet, which was very uncomfortable. I hope this helps. One last warning: Anxiety and questioning are things that don't go away over night. I still get panicky every two weeks, and have been panicking for the last five months. It sucks, but you can't let this rule you. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.
Thank you for the reply Iliricon. To answer your questions: 2. I do love my girlfriend and I am attracted to her. I love cuddling, kissing, sex etc with her. I'll explain a bit more. When we came back from travelling I thought of breaking up with her. This was before this questioning entered my head. She was having major body image issues and it was affecting our relationship. Instead of ending it though I chose to work on our relationship. She still has body image issues, but I accept it. Honestly, I find myself attracted more to some other womens' bodies. That's not to say there is anything wrong with my girlfriend's body, I'm just attracted more to slimmer women. 3. When I imagine myself with a man, cuddling, kissing etc, it doesn't do anything for me. I don't feel anxious thinking about it right now, but I don't feel any excitement, I feel indifferent. 4. I have been thinking about bisexuality. I can't imagine going from being attracted to women my whole life to potentially only being attracted to men. It seems more realistic to me to go from being attracted to women and then realising down the line you might like men as well. And there is no harm in that. There is a certain amount of fear that you might like being with the same sex when you thought you were straight your whole life. 5. I was very confident before I started to question my sexuality. This questioning took my confidence, along with being unhappy being home after travelling and not enjoying my career. I'm not afraid of the idea of being gay. I'd rather be open, honest and happy than live closed and in misery. When you say rejection, do you mean being rejected if I told people I was gay? I imagine most people I know would be supportive if I was gay. I'm thinking about fear now. I have looked at men and thought they are attractive. This is a normal thing. However, I have never looked at a man and thought, you know what I want to kiss him, or be intimate with him. I look at sexy women and think about being intimate with them frequently. My girlfriend has been supportive in this. When I first told her I was questioning myself she told me she didn't see any signs of me being interested in men. The therapist I've been to doesn't see any signs either. Whenever I leave his sessions I feel relieved for a while, but the thoughts and questioning continues. I also wonder what it is about me that makes other people question me. I remember my friend who called me gay before once called an innocent, normal straw fedora hat I owned a gay hat. That is more his small town mind at play.
Hello Questioning32, it has been very interesting reading your post, as I went through a very similar experience. I am 27 now and never questioned my sexuality until one year ago. Like you I started being obsessive because I thought my colleagues were talking about me and telling I am gay and at some point I started being total paranoid about this and was obsessed all the time, I kept checking, analyzing my life and I could not even speak with any people that I understood some underlying comment about my sexuality. Do not worry too much about this, you will get out of this, it takes time but your mind will be freed from obsessive thoughts. I believe you made the right choice going to a therapist and talking with your girlfriend, they will surely help you with your obsession. Different is to be sure about your sexual identity. After one year I am still very unsure about my sexual identity and have no clue on how to become more self confident about sexuality. My solution has been to wait until I fall in love with someone. I've spoken with this community and some gay friends of mine: everyone had his perspective, but the main message that I got is that sexuality is very subjective, it can unfold itself in a loads of different ways and nobody will be ever able to tell what you are if not you. Do not worry about your colleague who accuse you of being gay. Usually very homophobic people who accuse others or things to be gay might be gay themself but can not accept it. A big greeting from Italy!
Hi Giovanni. Thank you for your reply. I'm still obsessed by it. I don't know what or who I am anymore. I'm going over my life to see if it makes any sense. I am thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend and see who I am interested in. At this stage I kind of want to be alone. It's tough because I know I'll miss my girlfriend very much.
I'm a woman and in the same boat as you. I've posted a thread very similar to you just a few hours ago. Do you think could it be O.C.D.? Obsessive thoughts? I think Ireland has really gone through a lot of changes with regards to LGBTQ - marriage referendum. I wonder could it be it has brought all of this to the forefront of peoples' minds? A lot of people think - just by looking at me that I am a lesbian. I don't believe I am, but they have made me worry that I am.
It took me a really long time to accept that I like dudes. It should have been really obvious though. Talking to my wife and describing a lot of thoughts and feelings I had over my life, the answer was really obvious. I don't know why it took until I was 27 to admit it, but I really like guys. I really like girls to but there really isn't anyone I couldn't be with. I kept second guessing myself since coming out. Fear held me back for the longest time. Fear from how other people saw me. I also had a few days at work where I panicked, thinking everyone knew. Eventually I calmed down and realized I'm killing myself inside my head. The real world is outside. Cuddling doesn't do anything but holding hands does? Is there anything else? I don't know. Is there any guy in particular that you have feelings for? Have you ever felt weird feelings for a man? Would you accept yourself if you were bisexual? What if you were gay? Would you be able to admit it?
Hi popcorn. At one point I thought I might have OCD about sexual orientation. I had intrusive, obsessive thoughts that started out of nowhere. The therapist I spoke to believes I have intrusive thoughts and that I'm straight. I'm not sure anymore. I know from reading on this forum that people don't believe in HOCD, straight people obsessing that they are gay. I do have other OCD traits, my girlfriend could tell you all about my breathing tics or counting patterns. I have never been diagnosed with OCD so I'm not relying on that as a reason. Hi Godless. Thank you for your response. I know I am not 100% straight now. I only ever had the thought pop into my head of holding a male friend's hand while walking with him, never actually happened. Since this all came to light over a year ago I would say there are a couple of guys I now feel different around, I notice are attractive. I haven't gone as far as to think I want to be more than friends with them, be intimate though. I would accept myself as bisexual if that is the case. I'd rather be happy and admit it then not and be living a lie. I would say I'm bicurious at the moment to the extent that I would have a same sex encounter to see if I like it or not, a test so to speak. I would find it harder to accept that I'm exclusively gay. I had two girlfriends before my current girlfriend. I have loved all of them. I have dated plenty of other women I was genuinely interested in. It's not like I was ever with women and secretly wanted to be with men. I was a happy straight person before all this came about over a year ago. Actually, when I was with my second girlfriend I worked with another girl for the first time. I completely fell for her, had that she is the one feeling. She ticked all my boxes. I thought about breaking up with my girlfriend, but didn't. It never worked out with her. When it ended with my second girlfriend she was with someone, when she was single again I was with my current girlfriend.
To me it doesn't sound like you're attracted to men.. you just seem to be very anxious that you are... even though you are aware that you have no wish to be intimate with them... The best way to distinguish HOCD from being gay is determining whether you actually enjoy your intrusive thoughts or not. If you feel disgusted or repelled by them and absolutely dread acting on them (in other words: if you think there is absolutely nothing enjoyable about them), then you are most likely suffering from HOCD. HOCD is a very real condition. The opinion of a professional and the medical world about HOCD is more reliable than the opinion of a few users on EC who think that it doesn't exist. ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 06:13 AM ---------- I think you're not bisexual either, by the way, because you seem to have no real attraction to men.
I'm on the fence about where I am with sexuality. I'm in the midst of some really intense soul searching. What I've seen in myself, which may not be it for you, is that I have more fear of being gay when I'm feeling pressure around dating a woman. What I mean is, if I'm not being honest about things they are doing that bug me, protecting their feelings, as it were. This seems to be a pattern for me. It sounds like some of your anxiety might be because of issues with your girlfriend more than actual attraction to men. As you say, she's got body image problems. I had a girlfriend years ago that I was attracted to, because it was her. But she couldn't accept herself and it became really draining. Just my two cents.
This is definitely at least the 'O' part of OCD. Consider medication. OK, I don't mean to be so blunt and mansplaining about it, but above respondents have said most of what needs to be said. I just want to reinforce this part of it. I don't want to feel like a pusher, but there it is. Sometimes obsession is like a bee-sting: it's a chemical thing you can't help reacting to. Would you refuse an anti-inflammatory if you sprained your ankle?
Apologies, only getting back to replying to the latest messages. Loveislife, I have no desire to be with a man, but I am at the point where it feels like a test to see if I like it or not. It seems like a mad ultimatum. The thoughts disgusted me at the start, but now I try to accept them. I don't know if I'll ever act on them. NotSureAboutMch, it is draining when my girlfriend comments that nothing looks good on her, that she has a big butt and legs etc. I have little sex drive these days. That is weird because I've always had a high sex drive and good sexual history. If I'm honest I've had a better sex life with most other women I've been with. beenthrdonetht, thank you for your response. I will consider medication.
Hi Questioning32, Your story is similar to mine, I'm a 31yr old male and in a long term relationship with a women I love. In the past I've became really upset and highly offended when someone would ask me if I'm gay, so much that it would play on mind for months after. Along with a few other things it eventually lead to me reflecting on my sexuality and asking myself if I really am gay. Like you I'm still a on the fence but leaning towards the fact that I'm possibly bi or gay. Quick question do you look at gay porn and if so do you enjoy it?
Hi Lost4. I've never looked at gay porn. I never had an interest in doing so. I've only ever watched women masturbating, or lesbian porn, and fantasised about women until a year and a half ago. I thought that would have been a good indicator and then I read on here that porn isn't a good indicator of sexuality. That confuses me even more.
