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A long story. Please help. I need perspective!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by NotSureAboutMch, Dec 7, 2016.

  1. NotSureAboutMch

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    Hi all, I'm kinda done right now. I've spent a lot of time pushing myself to like women, and I'm not sure I do. Or how much I do. I have a very confusing back story that leads me down all sorts of ideas about what my 'truth' is.
    I'm 46 so maybe older than a lot of people on this forum. I'm ok with that. The extra years have brought some stability and self-acceptance for me. I've weeded out bad friends and have a good life. Except I never date. Dating brings up all sorts of anxiety that leaves me reeling. So, maybe if I put it all down here and get some feedback it'll help.
    I grew up in the midwest, in a catholic/born again family. I'm an only child. My mom was schizophrenic/manic depressive. My dad wasn't around much. My mom was my world. I didn't know about her mental illness. She was just mom. I was a sensitive kid, probably due to my mom's mental illness, and at the bottom of the social totem pole in school. That left a lot of scars that have prevented me from accepting I might not be completely hetero. My parents tried to help me socially, but they were completely wrapped up in their own stuff and they didn't have the tools. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes. The reason this is important is that, 1. it was scary as hell. I could die in my sleep. 2. Diabetes causes nerve issues, which for me started right away. Then 6 months later, my mom got cancer. Within 9 months she passed away. The death of a parent is never easy, but for me, it ended my ability to grow emotionally. I had no support. The opposite actually as my dad, who I barely knew, now relied on me really heavily for support. This happened at the time when most kids are just starting to figure out who they are sexually. For me, the legacy of my mom's religion focused mental illness and lack of support when she died, caused me to have extreme thought police in my head. I couldn't even think swear words. That was being bad. Sex was bad. Being attracted to someone was bad because you weren't looking at the person inside. I was also unable to let anyone see beyond the mask of "I'm fine" because that would have opened the flood gates of emotion about her death. I didn't cry after she died for 5 years.
    So, sex. Sexual attraction. Who am I sexually. I was very turned on by women when I was 12. I had a bunch of dirty pictures that I looked at and I would freeze frame nude scenes in the few R rated movies I could get my hands on. I remember getting very riled up. I don't remember if I got erections. I certainly didn't masturbate. Masturbation was wrong. I also remember not being able to look boys in my class in the face. I felt uncomfortable. I still do. I still avoid making solid eye contact and when I do, my heart jumps. I didn't masturbate till I was 19. By this time, I was so wrapped up in my "I'm fine" mask that I didn't have an ability to really be anything other than straight. I was completely making up the person that I was to hide all the loss. I had no emotional room for uncertainty sexually. Uncertainty of any kind threatened to unravel me, and sexuality was way to big to even look at. I had a friend named Chris at the time. He was very confident and charismatic. I wanted to be him. Maybe I wanted to be with him. I had intense feelings for him. He kind of became my world. I was so lost and scared and he was strong and confident. We never experimented. I couldn't. He probably did with others, which makes me really sad, that I didn't have the ability to try things at that time. I tried dating a few women. It never worked at all. I didn't want to have sex. The idea felt gross. Was this because I couldn't let anyone in? Or I didn't really like women? Even kissing women is an effort. I do fantasize about kissing my male friends though. Never have kissed a man. I wonder whether that would work better for me. I had a girlfriend when I was 24. She was the first one I experimented with. I lost my virginity to her. Even as I write this, the feelings are dark. Bad. The first time was bad. I was scared. I didn't really want to do it. I felt I had to because this is what people did. The actual sex didn't feel like anything. She really enjoyed it and was surprised by how long I lasted my first time. I lasted so long because I wasn't getting anything out of it. It didn't feel good. I felt numb. I was just happy when it was over. So, was this because of the depth of pain I had buried? Was getting close to a women just that hard emotionally because of my mom dying and being mentally ill? Or was I having sex with the wrong person. The wrong gender? Or was this nerve problems? I started having nerve issues in my teens. My feet would burn and tingle. It would take a long time for me to pee. Slow stream urination is the medical term. In truth, I've always gotten erections thinking about women. It just doesn't get much beyond that. I masturbate. I watch porn. I get to orgasm with extreme effort. Sometimes it takes me hours. I'm hard as a rock. The sensations are good mostly, but there's no build up to orgasm. In truth, I wonder if I really want to have orgasms. They don't feel good. They burn sometimes. They feel weird. There's a release, but barely any pleasure. Is this nerve issues? Is this me fooling myself that I like women and my lack of wanting an orgasm is my subconscious telling me this isn't right? Is it deep seated intimacy issues that keep me from getting close, so I don't want to have a release with pleasure? So, I've tried to fantasize about men. It doesn't really work. It might be that I'm just way to scared that it will work, or maybe it's just not right for me. Hopefully joining this forum with ease my fears so I'm not so scared to figure this out. I've dated very little. I have a lot of friends and that's ok, but I'm missing out on deeper relationships. I've had a few girlfriends, but I've had one foot out the door the whole time I dated them. And I barely ever have an orgasm with them. One I dated for seven months. Not one orgasm. It was so confusing I didn't date again for 12 years. I started dating again about 5 months ago. First one, no orgasms, but I was kind of accepting that that might be the case. I didn't really like her all that much. The last one, this one has me reeling. We connect on so many levels it's scary. She's a wonderful person. She's been through a lot of the same things I have. There's a ton of emotional intimacy. I found her attractive when I asked her out. At least I think I did. But sex. She loves sex. I resisted because I knew the issues that would come up. We had sex a few times. It wasn't good. At least not for me. I had one foot out the door the whole time. Things got really intense the last two weeks and I finally admitted I have sexual confusion to her. I also tapped into the huge well of grief over my mom's death. One of the hardest feelings I've ever faced is that after a night of crying in her arms, I was not attracted to her. That killed the dating part of our relationship really quick. We are still talking. We are friends now and on a lot of levels that's what I need. But, I've never been so mad about not feeling attraction.
    So, that's my story. I know the grief stuff is a bit off topic here, but because the sexual confusion is so linked, I thought this would be a good place to tell my story. In this place I can tell my complete story and that helps.

    Please people, respond to this post! I need some perspective on all of this. I'm 46 and have been struggling with all of this for a long long time. I can't sit in my head with this anymore. Any advice. Any similar experiences. Any perspective. Any comfort would be greatly appreciated!
     
  2. iiimee

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    Hey, I'm young, but I can relate to a lot of what you said... I'm not sure what you'll like what I have to say, but just know we are here to support you.


    I can't say with certainty that you are gay, BUT... I think you are, at the very least bisexual. Sorry, but the fact that you're nervous around men and fantasize about kissing them sometimes definitely sounds like attraction. I remember that I stared at girls CONSTANTLY as a kid, but it wasn't until I came out as transgender and saw other people's reasoning for they're questioning that I started to wonder if I too, might be bisexual... and I turned out to be. Now, not everyone who questions their sexuality is bisexual/gay/etc, but you sound like the perfect example of someone who is tbh...

    You might possibly like women though, but I honestly can't tell- porn is a poor indicator of sexuality, and you not enjoying your first time doesn't mean that you don't like women at all... but I guess the question just becomes whether you have ever found women- NORMAL women, not the ones in porn- attractive in a sexual or highly romantic way. Aesthetic attraction, unfortunately, is another poor indicator of sexuality.

    I think my biggest concern about your post is that it seems like you're still not over your past and your mother, and honestly, I can't blame you. It's rare, but sometimes there are people in this world that we'd have no issue dedicating our lives to. For me, that was my godmother, but she died awhile ago of leukemia. I'm out as trans, bisexual, and an Atheist now, but god, if she could have lived forever, I probably would have never came out or at least lived a celibate life just to please her... ofc, I can't be sure of that, but sometimes that's how I think. I miss her dearly, and I know if must be hard for you to not have your mother, who, as you said, was your life. I understand that entirely, so I'm not sure if you'll ever get over her, but there is one thing you DEFINITELY need to get over, and that is any guilt or fear you have about being with men OR women. Again, idk if you're bisexual and, idk, maybe your trauma has prevented you from having an intimate relationship with women, maybe you are gay, or maybe it's even more complex if it's more complex than that- it's fine if it is. If you ever need to talk, I am here, and so is the rest of EC... I wish you the best of luck sir, and I hope you find the answers you are looking for here or in the real world.
     
  3. Mihael

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    Okey. In my opinion, you need to chill out. I mean, you really, realy can't have an orgasm if you're not 120% chill. Your mind needs to be clear. No tension. None at all. Complete zen, no anxiety, any "what if" can kill that, or any thought that is not here and now.

    It looks like you had a lot o fear in you, because it was as bad as not crying for years. Fear is the the thing that prevents us from showing what we feel.

    I'm thinking. Maybe you're still griefing, because nobody filled that gap. It's still void. It's been a very long time, in all honesty.

    My post is just rambling, really. Your case is not too clearly outlined either, though.

    You for sure fear a lot. I'm not sure if it comes from your first sexual experiences, a generalised anxiety about sex + intimacy/vulnerability + going with the flow, upbringing, the fear of "what if I'm gay", or maybe - it's a mix of it all.

    But hey, it's great you have found your girlfirend, even if you're not meant to be lovers, she seems like a great friend to have.

    And oh well, I know very well the feeling of being very good friends with someone, with a lot of emotional intimacy, but not being attracted in a sexual manner.

    And also very good that you cried it all out.
     
  4. NotSureAboutMch

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    Thanks for the feedback. It's been a roller coaster couple of weeks. I'm REALLY glad I found this forum. It's the support I've never had. I still have questions for all of you, so, if you see a post from me, I'd love the feedback.
     
  5. Gay Deputy

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    Wow brother! You've been through quite a lot! While reading your post, I couldn't help but keep thinking that it seems like you're still trying to appease your mother who you made your whole world. You have to know that a mother's only true passion is for her children to be happy and safe. It seems as though you're stuck in believing her religious views are how you have to live your life even though you were robbed of the opportunity to discuss that in length with her. To know what she would have thought.

    Your fears about and during sex could be streaming from this also. You have to be emotionally connected to be able to enjoy sex. It seems like you are unable to do this. Even when I was lying to myself and dating/having sex with girls...I could enjoy it because I could connect with them even briefly and while knowing something was missing.

    If I were in your shoes...I would visit my mother's grave site and have a serious conversation with her. Let all of this out into the open. (Side note: I lost my dad a few years ago...I still talk to him at his gravesite which clears my head and let's me see where I believe he would have led me with his words). I believe you'd be able to hear your mother's words telling you to do what makes you happy.

    I can't say whether you are gay, straight, or bi...only you are able to define yourself. I am adamantly against labels though. I believe they place more hardships on people. I believe in following your heart and going where it leads willingly.

    Make peace with your past and your future will open up. Embrace it willingly and with motivation. It is not too late for you to find love with the one you're meant to be with. They're out there waiting for you to cross their path...once you do, you'll know why it never worked with anyone else.

    I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor. Know that we are all here for you to come to for help and a shoulder (even a digital one).
     
  6. NotSureAboutMch

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    Hi all,

    I think I figured some things out, but tomorrow's a new day and I'll just have to see.

    Long story short, I'm at a friend's house. The friend I was having uncomfortable feelings about in one of my posts. My confusion level with a girl I've been seeing hit a high point today and he and his wife offered to let me crash on their couch.

    I noticed tonight how careful I am around him. I don't hold eye contact. I don't look at him much at all. I really avoid touching hands. That feels really good and really uncomfortable. I also noticed how attracted I am to him working. Being manly basically.
    Then I'm thinking about how I have a lot of trouble high fiving guys or shaking hands. The guy chest bump feels way to close. Our mouths are too close.
    I'm still in a whole lot of denial about this, but I'm opening up to what I feel. On some level I feel more resolved about things tonight after noticing all that.
     
  7. NotSureAboutMch

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    It's a new day and I'm still unresolved about a lot of stuff. I figure I'm just going to keep posting what I'm thinking here until things become clearer.

    Another thing I've thought about is how I like to buy my male friends gifts. And I grew my beard out on purpose to look more masculine. I wonder what would happen if I really relaxed and let myself be "less strong."
     
  8. Chip

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    I think it's worthwhile to go back to the very early experiences with your mother. A primary caregiver who is schizophrenic has a very significant impact on the emotional development of the child. In fact, there's some evidence that it can impact the development of chronic diseases. I don't know about diabetes type I specifically, but I do think that the neurological numbing that is a byproduct of the diabetes may also be impacted by your young self needing to insulate, emotionally, from the erratic nature of your mother's schizophrenia.

    Whether or not the neurological numbing originates with the bonding issues with your mother, it is very likely that your current psychological numbing issues, and the constant desire to have one foot out the door, is deeply influenced by the psychological numbing you learned in being with your mother... both the schizophrenia and the shame about sexual behavior.

    One thing I can immediately suggest is finding a therapist. The challenge will be finding a really, really good therapist with deep insight and a deep understanding of the impact of being raised by a schizophrenic.

    Another suggestion I can make is to develop a mindfulness-based practice focused on masturbation. My guess is there's still a lot of shame associated with your sexual self in general, and perhaps masturbation in particular, which is impacting your ability to really feel and experience this part of yourself. It may take some time, and it would not be unexpected for this process to bring up some strong emotions as you are reconnecting to it, but I think that will lead you to reconnecting with your sexual self. Once you do that, the quality and experience of orgasm will likely significantly change for you.

    I think that only after you are able to reconnect fully to your sexual self, and your ability to fully experience arousal and orgasm in the natural intensity that you're born with, will it really be possible to fully understand where your sexual arousal/attractions lie. I suspect that you do have attraction to men that is likely suppressed by these other factors, but whether you're at the bisexual or gay end of the spectrum won't be easy to ascertain until you have better connection with your sexual self.

    If you're a reader, I might suggest reading Gabor Maté's wonderful book, "When the Body Says No". While it doesn't directly relate to what you're experiencing, I think you'll find it really illuminating in understanding your relationship with your mother and how it is impacting you today.

    If you want input/guidance in the mindfulness in mastubation work, PM me and I can point you to some references.