I’m not entirely sure where to begin with any of this, so I apologize if I ramble on for a while as I get my story out. I turned to this site because I really don’t have any family members who take me seriously when I try to talk to them about it. They all seem to think I am not seriously questioning things, and that I am just lost and momentarily confused. With that said, all my life I have dated guys. Never really questioned being straight when I was younger though I have always had an attraction to girls, not necessarily in a sexual way more romantically I think. I’m not even all that sexually attracted to men either. I’ve only ever been with 2 men sexually in my 29 years. I didn’t enjoy it even though the most recent resulted in my two children. In the last year since my kids dad left me, I’ve taken a lot of time to look at myself to try and figure out who I am. Personality wise, I know myself very well. But as for my orientation, I realized I have no idea. I did find a “label” that I feel suits me and my feelings on my sexual attraction to people in general, Demisexual. If I can’t emotionally connect with someone there’s no chance in hell that I would ever consider a physical relationship with them. Not knowing someone on a deep emotional level actually makes me feel trapped and really scared. When it comes to being with men, yes I find them very attractive physically. But, I don’t want to sleep with them. The two men I have been with in my life it just didn’t ever feel right. I find kissing men to be rather gross. The only things I am actually comfortable doing with men is cuddling, holding hands and similar little things. When it becomes more intimate, I get scared. I don’t even know what it is that I am actually afraid of. As for women, I have never so much as held a girls hand. Yet I am attracted to them. And I find myself more engaged in females in the female in the rare occasions that I have watched porn with my exes. I’ve found that the idea of being romantically involved and otherwise involved with a woman is something I am curious and interested in. But the fears I have with men makes me wonder if I would have these same fears with women. But the thing is, I feel that if I even try to explore this my family will just think it’s a phase. I know if it turns out I am anything but straight they will accept me regardless. But the journey to figuring out this piece of myself I feel like I don’t have the support that I need, or even any answers to what is going on with me. What I am trying to do here is find out what I should do from here. Why am I so uncomfortable with men sexually? Will the same thing happen with girls? I’m scared to find out. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I have no idea where to turn or even how to figure out any of this.
First thing's first, there doesn't need to be "reason" as to why you are not sexually attracted to men, it's just who you are. Likewise, this does not necessarily mean that you will feel the same way towards women. It is common to have different types and degrees of attraction towards opposite genders; I for one feel more sexually attracted to women than I do to men. And although I can get romantically attracted to men, I feel no sexual attraction at all. The best way to ascertain your sexuality is to experiment. Try having a go at dating a few girls and see how you feel. Don't try and enforce or repress any feelings; just let yourself go free. I'm pretty sure you won't be alone all your life if you don't want to be, there's someone out there for everyone. But until you figure yourself out, take it easy. Also, don't think too hard about labels if you ever begin to feel like they're bothering you. I ditched labelling my sexuality when I realised just how complicated it is.
