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Hocd...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ineedhelppleas, Dec 9, 2016.

  1. ineedhelppleas

    Regular Member

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    So i never saw that day will come when i need to register to this forum, my situation is strange, and before you jump to "hocd is fake" blah blah, please hear out my story, thanks.

    The reason why im not popsting this on regular hocd sites is because they will always say its hocd, i want a real opinion, thanks.

    As you may alredy know what homosexual opssesive comuplsive disorder means, it is as any other ocd, fear and anxiety of something, and reasuring youself with some compulsions.Please for those who are not familiar, try not to answer.So yea im 16 years old teen, i was always straight kid, as far as i can remember, never thought about being gay. I even had a gf when i was young (as a kid), anyway i began with hocd when i was 15 years old summer, it was half year ago, my friend said to me as a joke "supp gay" i was like -_- (stupid reason to start a hocd) anyway he was joking like that for no reason, which i don't like it and i was angry at him, and at one point i asked mysself am i really gay, spike and anxiety hit me hard... I mean it was a stupidity and a joke, still had crushes for girls and arousal on girls, never had feelings for a man, not even thought about it. I mean, even if i saw penis at school bathroom or some other public places, it would be nothing, its just looking at myself, same with the body. Anyway, my hocd began, reasurances blah blah. Months have passed, and of course next steps comes, false attraction, when fear got you so hard, you get paranoid, and create false attrraction even for the people you known for more than 10 years, friends, even family ... anyway, there were nonstop compulsions, images in my head, i watched gay porn for like 10 minutes and nothing, but when i watch straight porn, or rather, watching some hot girls alone, i get aroused without even touching myself, by itself. I did that a lot of times, but always same results. and again, months have passed and new things started to come, something like a fake urges, for example: fake urge to admit that im gay, to masturbate on guys and stuffs like that. and i did couple of times and it didnt feel right, and the orgasm was different, i felt it and imagined guys but it wasn't even 10% of the normal orgasm, and later i would feel bad. I even say im gay just to see what will happend, maybe i will feel easier or something, but no. I get anxious even more.When i try to ignore hocd, it feels like denial because of false attractions and all. I don't knwo what to do anymore. my hocd's telling me like i want to be gay, but admitting wont do anything i've tried. And is telling me i want that guy for example, but it's not always 1 guy, its usually when my hocd tells me i want that one, the other one false attraction dissapears, and other like that, it feels like im gay now, i feel so convinced, and when i took of my future i get this sudden anxiety, but the funny thing is. Its not like denial, usually when u are denying something that u like, and when u accept it u feel good. Not in my case, whatever i do still same, i don't think i'm gay but i don't know how to defeat this, 24/7 compulsions even dreams lol, for example, i get this sudden urge to admit that im gay, i admit it and nothing. I get urge to admit that i like that guy, i admit it and still nothing , actually when i do these things, my false attaraction and urge become less. anyway funny thing is, yesterday and days before that i do a test. i watch gay porn even for 15-20 min, fully relaxed and focusing on it, and i feel nothing, i got watch some solo guys still nothing, i go watch solo girl, and i get , well i get aroused, well my sex drive is low because of fear and anxiety, so it's not like before, but i always get erection on a woman by it self. anyway this feels so real, what do i do? it has erally convinced me..
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi, and welcome.

    First thing to understand: HOCD doesn't actually exist as a standalone condition. You could, however, have OCD, and with OCD, typically the anxiety exists in more than one area of life, not solely focused on whether or not you're sexually attracted to men or not.

    Where it gets complicated is that for many people, the idea they might be gay is terrifying, which in itself creates anxiety. Where we best separate it out is looking at the sexual attractions themselves.

    If I'm hearing you correctly, you've masturbated, without porn, to fantasies of guys, and found that these fantasies are much less arousing, or not at all arousing, while fantasies about girls are strongly arousing. If that is the case, then the likelihood you have same-sex attraction is near zero.

    That said, it does sound like you have some compulsive behavioral traits and obsessive thoughts going on, and that would be something to explore with a therapist to determine whether or not you fit the diagnostic criteria for OCD. If so, there are a variety of options for treatment, from therapy to medication to both, which a therapist can discuss with you.

    I hope this helps.
     
  3. ineedhelppleas

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    Thanks it does help... I didn't mention that i had a lot of ocd's during my life, 4-5, and this is hardest. I know i should pshyiciatrist, but the reason why im refusing that is because i live in a small city, and there are no good psychologist aand psychiatrist, finding a ocd specialist is nearly impossible. I could go to Belgrade (capital) it is a big city but still, it will cost too much, and i doubt it will help since there are no people that specializes in ocd... about month ago i visited psyhyactrist and dude... he knew nothing about OCD, i basically teached him what is that, he knew nothing. luckily i didint pay for it... i srsly don't know what to do, ignoring won't do, i tried to do gay stuff for few hours, same time. I heard a lot of people beat this by accepting it, they accept it for few months, untill u realise ur not gay and ur straight, but did i mention that im very dpressed, i don't even go to school anymopre, i basically lay in bad all dayy. Anyway thanks for help