Hi, I'm in my late 20s and have had a feeling recently that I might be bi. I have had many relationships with women and have some amazing times with them but they have all ended eventually. I guess this isn't too strange at 28. When I was about 22 I had an issue getting it up with my girlfriend at the time. It freaked me out a bit and I got a bit worried. Recently I gave up porn and haven't had any issues with erections at all, so I think it was related to my porn use. The porn that I watched was 95% lesbian porn. I got obsessed with it. It was a more powerful urge than any drug I had ever had before. I sometimes wonder if I was so into it because it had the beauty of women and the thrill of a homosexual encounter that seems dangerous and taboo. The other 5% of porn I watched was bisexual stuff and gay stuff. It was ok. This sounds silly but the production values were always way worse and I never found the men attractive in them, but again, the taboo nature of it did turn me on. I would always get pretty bored with it after looking at it about once a year or something. Anyway, I'm not actually that sure that porn says much about your sexuality. I find women very attractive, when I see a beautiful woman on the street I feel a physical change in my body, especially if I haven't had an orgasm in a little while. I can find men attractive too, but it never seems to be at such a deep level. I can look at a ripped guy's body and think, well, that's beautiful, but I don't feel a physical reaction. I can see a beautiful man's face and be struck by the beauty of his eyes or something. I kissed a male friend once when we were drunk. I was slightly aroused by it, but we didn't pursue anything more. When I was traveling I even went on a date with a man once but just felt nothing at all. The reality of it just didn't attract me. This has been a bit of a repeating pattern. The idea of doing something sexual with a man has made me aroused when I am fantasizing during masturbating, but the actual reality of it just seems weird and it doesn't feel right. Once a friend and I were sleeping in the same bed and we had been talking about how we both had had bisexual feelings before. He kissed me in the middle of the night and I just felt weird and not excited. I think maybe I find the taboo aspect of gay sex exciting as a fantasy but the reality of being with an actual man I've never felt compelling enough to actually try. I wonder if I haven't tried out of fear because of the stigma or because I just don't want it enough and it's just a thing that I occasionally like to fantasize about. I also have OCD and I think that sometimes I just get obsessed with thinking about this. I've heard of people getting obsessed with this. Anyway, this process of writing this post has already been helpful. I've been reading a bit on the blog and it seems like a really supportive community. Any comments would be appreciated. Really my goal in life is just to be who I am as much as I can, the only tricky thing is working out exactly who that is!
Hey Mostly, Only you can really know your own sexuality. But nothing you describe would indicate that you have any homosexual tendencies. You may be bicurious, but you sound straight from what you wrote. Many straight males can get turned on by watching gay male porn. As you said, it is often the ‘taboo’ or ‘forbidden fruit’ nature of it. But porn is not a good indicator of sexuality. One good indicator is whom you fantasize about when you masturbate without pornography. When you masturbate without, do you ever fantasize about men? Or only women? Or both? Ultimately, though, just do what feels right to you and try not to overthink it. Just some thoughts.
