Hello everyone, I write to you after a long grueling time period of denial, anger, bargaining, and- continual struggles of self-acceptance. Having just finished college, I've entered that period in my life where I am just utterly confused and lost in complete ambiguity. I think that is making me the most depressed and sad and self-loathing right now, this world of ambiguity, confusion, and hesitation that I'm living in. And before I prepare for my future and potential careers, I strongly feel the need to address my sexuality and understand my gender identity. First off, I feel that although I have been attracted to the opposite sex for all my life (have had relationships with girls), there were subtle repressed feelings for the same sex that I brushed off as objective attractiveness. I never thought I was TRULY gay (I was a liberal but straight individual) until two people whom I barely knew questioned my sexuality. Ever since then, I've questioned myself EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I've tried my best to put my mind off it, but it's been a never-ending torturous and debilitating process that I really believe has engulfed my life for the better or worse. I feel deep inside, I am a gay leaning bisexual male w/ mild bottom dysphoria. I'm scared that if I accept my orientation, i have to contemplate accepting a new gender identity as I feel I have some bottom dysphoria and the actions that I need to take in order to address it- this is something I need to study and understand more. But I can't help bargaining with myself to stay closeted as a bisexual man and stay "straight" for the sake of my family who are very very religious and conservative. I can't help thinking because I've had girlfriends in the past, that I can repress these homosexual thoughts and devote myself to a girl and "love" her so i can reap the benefits of a heterosexual life and make my parents happy. I love my family. I love my friends. I can't imagine what they will go through if I come out. The shame. The guilt. The religious scrutiny from my church and the effects they will have on my parents. There is so much pressure for me as the first son in my family. What I'm also so so so scared of is the blurry line of friendship. I feel I can't socialize w/ the same sex friends/people because there is that potential for a blurry line between love and friendship. It's so crazy because I've lived my whole life telling everyone that guys and girls can never be BEST friends. How do people manage and accept blurry lines between friendship and attraction? So in conclusion is it better to live a white lie? To hide the "ugly" truth to protect my family from shame and guilt so I can become the son they were always expecting me to be? Is freedom really worth it in the end? I believe coming out for ME is basically the statement I make that my freedom is more valuable than the happiness of my parents that is so grounded and based on the wrong values- but deeply ingrained values and beliefs that my parents would probably never change... Sometimes I want to just be. Just let everything flow... Thank you so much for reading this long ass post. Help a fellow human being out.
I would wait to come out until you actually need it, as for example when you have a boyfriend and want to present him to your family and friends. But in the meanwhile I would not live a lie, how long can it last? It would be a lie you bring with yourself for your entire life. I would just live as a gay person and tell other people about it when you are ready and need it, you do not necessarily have to tell people about your sexuality to live as a gay person.
still having trouble understanding my sexuality and gender identity... can i possibly be a bisexual trans woman?
