I'm having a difficult time figuring my sexuality out lately, which is frustrating because I'm a very straight forward person who loves simplistic conclusions. I really don't want to make my life any more complicated than it all ready is, but the more I think about it the more confused it get. I was hoping some of you might be able to provide some insight. Sexuality has always be a weird thing for me. Basically I never fantasize about anyone. I've had some vauge kind of passing crushes on people before. They've always been thoughts like "you are a cute and kind person and I would like to have a romantic relationship with you. And maybe if that relationship goes well sex would be nice." Sex is never something I viewed as essential. I've never felt a need for it or desired it intensely, and I don't ever picture myself having sex with anyone. I'm not sure if it has something to do with dysphoria or lack of confidence. The few times I have pictured myself in a sexual situation I picture myself biologically male and with basically any gender of person. I don't really care. All my little crushes have been on girls. I've never crushed very intensely, short of small romantic feelings and the occasional "I want to squeeze your butt" thought. I think I could have romantic feelings for a male or nb person, but the thought of not being the more masculine or equally masculine person in a relationship makes me extremely dysphoric. And usually my dysphoria is not that bad compared to some others. Especially thinking of being in a relationship where I could physically get pregnant makes me feel so terrible I have had dreams about it from which I wake up crying and screaming and hating my body so badly I have self harm urges which I've never had otherwise. This kinda sucks because I can romantically like men, and even sexually maybe (the way I like women.). But the dysphoria makes that all go to shit. I even stopped dating a transgender girl (who was so sweet and kind) once before because of fucking penis envy. I really liked her but the dysphoria was too intense to bear. It made me feel super guilty and I ended up hating myself and thinking I was an unloveable pile of garbage for a while afterwards. At the time I wasn't too versed in what it was like to be ftm. I didn't recognize that what I was feeling was gender dysphoria for a while, since the question and implication of my gender didn't come up often enough for me to feel restricted to a female roll. Usually my gender dysphoria is not that bad, it's very tolerable as long as I don't look in the mirror too much and no one points out the fact that I'm a woman. But dating or even thinking of dating, is one of those times when I feel it so intensely it becomes untolerable and Im left wondering if I'm even capable of feeling attracted to people because of it. I want a relationship, a romantic one definitely, and maybe a sexual one. But I don't know how to cope if my partner views me only as female, especially if my partner is male. I'm not sure if I'm repressing my sexual and romantic attractions because of dysphoria, or if I just don't feel much romantic or sexual attraction in the first place. Is what I'm trying to get at.
To me it seems like you are repressing some of your sexual and romantic attractions because of your dysphoria, to put it in your words. You aren't avoiding other men because of any lack of attraction, but rather because you're aware of how unwell you could feel as a result of being around them. I would say you're probably something along the lines of bisexual/pansexual, even if your dysphoria appears to make dating other men out of the question. As for not having many sexual fantasies, you might just have a low sex drive. That doesn't really contribute to your sexuality, not unless you have no sex drive at all (eg. in the same way that lesbians feel nothing towards men). I can relate to this. As a trans male I also struggle to think of how I'd cope with pursuing a relationship where my partner views me as a female. In my last relationship I was aware that I was being perceived in this way, and I found myself putting up a feminine persona that makes me cringe when looking back. Plus, I generally become highly dysphoric during physical interactions. I would advise you to take it easy, and don't think about relationships too much. You may think that the chances of getting into in a comfortable relationship are somewhat slim (I think this from time to time), but remember that it certainly isn't impossible.
Thanks for the insight. I need other people to clarify things for me sometimes. Thoughts spend so much time knocking around in my head I can hardly recognize what they are anymore. I think you're right. I often feel like the odds of me getting into a relationship that I truly feel comfortable in are next to non-existent. Sometimes no matter who I picture myself with I feel wrong. Like I'm too masculine for someone who likes girls (I couldn't force myself into a female role without feeling like a liar) and to feminine for someone who likes guys. I feel inadequate. Honestly, I want to pass, I want to come out, but there's still a part of me that's unsure or maybe just afraid and I still need time to figure things out. One day maybe I'll find someone who views me as male and who I don't feel immensely dysphoric around, but that day sure as hell isn't gonna come unless I make some proactive effort to transition or come out, and it's that first step I'm scared of most.
If you're able to transition, I think you should go for it. Of course you will inevitably face difficulties and struggles, but the benefits will be far greater in the long run. If I could transition I'd do so immediately. Have you come out to anybody at all?
It's been a while since I checked back on this thread. I'm not in the best position to transition, my family is accepting but financially it's far from possible. Our health insurance is so shit too, I'm not entirely sure we're able to afford so much as a therapist. If I could snap my fingers and have the body I want tomorrow, I would do it, but I'm afraid of being a burden to my family. And then there's the crushing self doubt, that this is all just a phase, that im just some dumb dellusional teenager, and I just- errrgh. I'm a constant skeptic, even of my own feelings. I've made a promise to myself to come out sometime in the new year. I've made a binder which I use kinda stealthly, but it's homemade, doesn't achieve the complete desired effect, and is not exactly the healthiest thing. And people are still misgendering me. For a while I was kind of numb to it, but now it's grating on me more and more every day and I can't wait until college, because I'll be able to introduce myself as male there. I have a transgender cousin. Next time I see her Im gonna come out to her. I think she might be a good resource, might even help me get a real binder and sort out all the doubts I have about myself. After I've sorted myself out I'll come out to my family, even though I won't be able to medically transition until I'm no longer a dependent. Which is frustrating.
Talking to your cousin sounds like a good idea, because she's likely to understand you. I also strongly advise against using a homemade binder because, as you know, it's not healthy at all. Regarding transitioning; even if you can't medically transition, socially transitioning is possible. That would mean coming out to people, using your preferred name and pronouns, introducing yourself as male etc. I noticed you mentioning self-doubt a few times, despite your gender dysphoria. Since it might help to come to terms with your gender before coming out, could you explain what causes you to doubt your gender?
I really want to see a therapist as well so that I can be diagnosed with whatever degree of gender dysphoria I am feeling, until then I will have doubts about myself. My dysphoria is extremely intense when it comes to certain areas of life, like dating, menstruating, sometimes out of the blue for no reason, and when my feminine features are pointed out in public. It makes me feel disgusting and exposed. However for most of the time spent in between those indcidents and thoughts, I'm kinda okay. I never like my gender or am satisfied/comfortable with it, and the incidents when I feel intense dysphoria are becoming more frequent. But in those incidents when I don't feel it as intensely, I doubt myself. For a while I was kinda repressing it? I was a textbook case for "repressed gender dysphoria": a feeling of depression and dissatisfaction with life, body and self hatred, fits of sudden crying, obsessive and somewhat self destructive habits that only intensified as I got older. I'm only just now coming to terms after much research that this is what I'm feeling, but I'm reluctant to accept it because of the impact I know it will have on my life. I know I will be a happier person if I accept it, but I'm afraid, what if I make a mistake, what if one day and I wake up fine being a girl. As a means of coping I used to not think of gender, I used to tell myself "I am what I do and not what I am." I would say, I am an artist, or a writer, and I would tell myself that I am nothing beyond that. If I had the things I loved to do, those things that defined me above all else, I was ok, but in the moments I focused on my sex, looking in the mirror having it pointed out, I felt like shit. I'm confused because this concept of being able to transition, being able to be happy is new to me, and I'm kinda used to repressing my feelings. And so I have a lot of doubt about whether my dysphoria is bad enough, or if I'm still repressing it. I honestly just want some one, a professional or someone credible, to tell me I am a man. I've spent so long being told I was a girl, and even though it feels wrong, part of me reluctantly believes it. I think I first really began to realize I had a problem about two years ago when I had this conversations with my sister. Me: "Im trying to loose weight because I hate my breast." Sister: "Alex are you transgender?" Me: "No... I don't think so..." Sister: "Im glad I was born a woman." (I though se said "I wish I was born a man" for some reason) Me: "Yeah me too. I hate having been born a woman." Sister: "I said I was GLAD I was born a woman." Me: "Oh." Sister: "if you could change your gender tomorrow, would you?" Me: "Yes." And then she gave me "the look" the "I suspect something" look. I was shocked by this conversation because the mere concept of someone being satisfied and happy with their gender was so foreign I kinda just assumed that everyone was like me in the regard that they hated it. I'm still stumbling over my own feelings and struggling to understand them, and that struggling has brith a lot of self doubt. I just want to be sure, I just want to be told I'm a man. I've saved up some money recently, maybe I can spend it on a few therapy session.
I'm pretty sure that I'm not what you would call "someone credible", but from what I can tell you are clearly transgender. The conversation that you had with your sister proves it, let alone your dysphoria. Not only did you say that you hate being "born a woman", but you openly admitted your desire to change your gender. No transgender person would willingly change their gender. You shouldn't take your moments of less intense dysphoria as signs that you're not transgender; I certainly don't feel dysphoric about my body all the time, and yet I can assure that I'm trans. Dysphoria can also be greatly affected by your mood, so keep that in mind when you question your lack of dysphoria at any time. Regardless of how strong it is, dysphoria is dysphoria and it shouldn't be ignored during any evaluation. I can understand why you would want to get a professional opinion before coming to any conclusions, but since the signs that you're trans are already so obvious, do you really have to prolong the stress that stems from unnecessary doubt? What's more is that the sooner you come to accept yourself, the sooner you can begin conquering the issue at hand by transitioning. Having said that, a gender therapist is necessary for the medical transition, so continuing to save up money for that would be good.
Having read most of your words I will say it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. The fact that you're 17 only reinforces how impressive your articulation and self-reflection is. I can imagine you have spent many hours in turmoil and self-analysis. I can completely relate. I alternate between "going with the flow" peace and full-blown panic attacks. I have never struggled with my gender, but I have struggled with my sexuality and my identity to the point of having to look in the mirror just to be sure I exist. My heart truly goes out to you. I hope since this post you have been able to make meaningful strides in your journey.
