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I have a boyfriend, but I'm confused & scared.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by alpineX01, Dec 25, 2016.

  1. alpineX01

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2016
    Messages:
    3
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    Location:
    MI
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi all -

    Sorry to be posting this on Christmas. I'm currently an emotional wreck and need an outlet.

    Anyways, I joined 4 months ago, and then disappeared. A lot has happened since then! When I first joined, I was posting about how confused I was this summer. I'm currently in college, and last year end of winter term fell hard for a boy. Over the summer we went our separate ways, but I still felt immense feelings for him. Something didn't feel right, however.

    Although I felt these feelings for him, it was almost as if I was lying to myself. My brain just kept telling me "this isn't going to last forever" etc. etc.

    Anyways, I was on SSRI's and stopped this summer. Between a lot of things, I ended up having a huge breakdown right before school started. I went to see the counselor for the first time ever, and expressed my concerns on not knowing my sexuality and being confused. After meeting a couple of times, she said "I think you know the answer," implying I'm gay and not straight at all. This of course scared me, and I stopped seeing her.

    Anyways, this boy and I have been together for a few months now. Our sex is great, we really click, and I love spending time with him. But every now and then that thought will just linger in the back of my mind. What if I'm lying to myself? What if I'm just settling? He's also the first serious relationship I've ever had, so I don't know if it's doubts or my true self coming out.

    I can't deny I like girls, to some extent. It just extremely confuses me, though. I'm trying to pick my brain and can't come up with a definitive crush I've ever had on girl. Although I don't know if it's because I've tried to block it? I definitely find them attractive and interested in them. I don't know. I love this guy, he is my bestfriend, and I don't want to lose him. But I want to be fair to him. And to myself. And I just hate that I'm like this. I told him I'm more bisexual than straight and he was completely loving and caring. But what if I'm lying about that too?

    I've been spending so much time worrying about this, I'm so exhausted. At this point I just want to accept that maybe I am completely gay. But it doesn't feel right. But neither does saying I'm bisexual.

    Any help or insight would be great.
     
  2. nikanoo5

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2016
    Messages:
    57
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    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi! I can understand how panicky and worried you must be feeling right now - I know it's really horrible not knowing your sexuality and having the uncertainty lingering in the way. You're going to be okay, and I'm sure the fact that you are thinking about this shows how much you care about your boyfriend and how self-aware you are!

    I am 17 years old and I have felt really similar to you, and I've been on SSRI's since September and have suffered with immense anxiety, especially about my sexual orientation! I've had sleepless nights and it's distracted me so much, I know how you feel. I get that the doubts keep nagging away at you and it makes you worry everything you know is wrong!

    I can't tell you what your sexual orientation is, but you must believe in yourself because if you are enjoying sex with your boyfriend and love spending time with him, I think it's unlikely you're completely gay - otherwise you wouldn't enjoy these things. I'm not a psychologist, but from what you've written it sounds like your anxiety is taking over. You sound like an honest person who wouldn't want to lie to anyone, and I'm sure someone who would lie to their partner wouldn't want to think about it! Also, don't worry about what the counsellor said, as it may be she meant you do like boys. I misinterpret people all the time! Or if she did mean she thinks you are gay, you know yourself better and I know that will give you a lot of doubt but if you told her about your boyfriend I'm sure she wouldn't have thought you were one hundred percent gay.

    I think I'm quite similar to you, as I'm worrying my attractions to boys have all been lies, and I really want to be honest with myself if I am gay but sometimes that doesn't make sense but saying I'm bisexual feels funny too.

    I really hope your anxiety gets better soon, as I know how tough it is. I hope you take care of yourself because you deserve it. I'm just a random person on the internet, and I don't truly know what your sexuality is, but it seems you are really happy with your boyfriend and that's all that matters!! :slight_smile: <3 If your parents/guardian are willing, you could ask for a therapist to talk about your anxiety with who is out of school? I see a psychologist outside of my school and while it has taken a while it has helped. I wish you the best!!! xxx

    ---------- Post added 25th Dec 2016 at 04:23 PM ----------

    And good luck at college!! :slight_smile: