In the epitome of confusion again

I have written here a small novella for you all. I'm sorry I feel quite selfish but I'm at the end of my tether!!

Hello everyone, I am a 17 year old and I am very confused about my sexuality. I have posted here a couple of times before, and it's clear this issue surrounding my sexual orientation is one that's going to last a while.

I have spoken to so many people about this, and it has caused me to need to go on anti-depressants and I think is the root of my anxiety essentially. I have always been an anxious person in nature, however my worst anxiety started when my sexuality confusion began at 13/14. I have spent until the early hours of the morning on this website reading people's answers, which haven't been what I've wanted to hear at times. But I want more than anything to know the truth, and all I want is for people on here to tell me what they truly think about me.

The main topics that have been worrying me about my sexuality are the uncertainty and denial. With me, the issue isn't so much being gay in itself, because I know that this isn't a bad thing and is very natural (however the idea still makes me afraid). I've tried so hard to remind myself it's okay but I always feel the same way; so scared. This makes me afraid I'm in denial - this has made me be extra honest about liking girls, and I've come out to my friends and family as bisexual because I wanted to be open to girls.

But I'm afraid I'm truly a lesbian, and have never really liked boys. I have read so much about compulsory heterosexuality, and that many lesbians have convinced themselves they liked boys in ways that felt real. I'm worried I've done the same thing somehow. I will tell you I have fancied boys with butterflies, heart racing, sexual fantasies, fantasies about happily marrying them and about our daily life... I never thought it was different from other girls' crushes on boys. I liked this one boy on and off for three years at school (in between I think I liked a girl but I wasn't aware of it) when I was 9-11. Then I liked a boy for 2-3 years when I was 12-14. At that time it seemed impossible to get over him (I was being dramatic!). Now I feel like I'm meant to forget those - do I just forget those?

The thing is, girls feel so much more comfortable. I think I get easier sexually aroused by girls, and I definitely form deeper emotional connections with girls. It's as if boys formed a mold for what I expected from a relationship, and girls are a layer on top of that and may go deeper. I do get turned on by boys, but I worry I force arousals to them. My mind gets really matrix-y and psychologically twisted with this, and it hurts hurts hurts!!

I worry I force arousals to boys because I have only got turned on by them within the last year. I visit a psychologist who is convinced I am bisexual (I have told her everything and more of what I'm telling you). When I told her I'm not sure I get turned on by boys, she asked me to remove the anxiety, and then I did get turned on by them. But there's something making me doubt it... like it feels different from girls sometimes. I am deeply afraid she is wrong... can she be wrong? I trust her so much and she knows me incredibly well, and I consider her a friend apart from she's my therapist so there is a boundary. But I read stuff online (on Tumblr as well, which only made me feel 1000 million times worse) and sometimes the stuff I read is different to what she has said. Well, I interpret it that way.

The other main thing making me think I'm gay is I experience immense anxiety with boys. I've only recently been able to form good friendships with them because I was so nervous around them, and I still am to a degree. But I can get crushes on them and all that jazz, however when they get close I feel nearly repulsed and so afraid. My psychologist said this is over-excitement, and I do recognise this feeling with other positive things in my life as well. For example, if someone is really kind to me, I am really happy but I kind of want it to go away as well for a moment? That sound really odd. But there is something else with men... and I've read many lesbians experiences and they have felt the exact same thing (suffocated feeling). Does this mean I am not truly attracted to them? Like I lose an attraction to them almost, but then when they go away it comes back. I don't understand - how can I feel so attracted to them when I don't like them?

I went on a kind-of date with a boy which is the closest thing to an experience with a boy that I've had recently. I was so nervous before meeting him that I was crying and I didn't want to go. He had a little bit of a bad rep at school and people were warning me not to go, but it wasn't that but I was afraid of the romantic element. I didn't like him, and I was aware I didn't find him attractive. There are other boys I would've preferred to go on dates with, but the fact that I'm so avoidant of him and that I cried makes me think I am gay? But when I came back from the coffee, I felt confident I liked boys because even though I didn't find him attractive I thought I got turned on by his face??!! I could imagine going on other dates with men is what I mean. But maybe I was forcing that arousal because of this insecurity.

I notice boys in the street that I find attractive, I have done for a long time. I notice girls, I thought it was admiration of course... but that's okay because I know what that means. What do boys mean? I do want to hold onto boys, but I know this is likely heteronormativity influencing me a little and am aware it has influenced me - it's just the extent is what I'm trying to figure out.

I would like brutally honest answers. The bottom line: can anyone help me understand what this all means? And help me through denial if I am in it? I have traits of Asperger's syndrome, and I know you aren't equipped to deal with that but it's very high functioning. It causes me to obsess about the smallest and thoughts - I don't have OCD, but I have related to some HOCD people's experiences except whether I'm bisexual or just gay. It started when I was sitting about to do Geography revision and I was thinking about why things with boys never worked out, and why I hadn't had a boyfriend yet and the backing out thing and then... oh my god I'm gay. It literally started in that second. And for a moment it all fell into place. And then a couple months later I'm crying over a boy who likes someone else.

If you have any questions to ask me please do. I'm not special I know, but if you have any experience with this thing at all please tell me. My anxiety tells me my psychologist is wrong, my family is wrong, and everything is wrong wrong wrong and I would adore someone like Chip to sort me out. :lol: I didn't want to mention his name because that's embarrassing for me but he seems like an expert somehow.

Thank you anyone who even reads this, it means a lot. x

---------- Post added 25th Dec 2016 at 06:00 PM ----------

I have liked a boy recently for a while, but I'm not sure whether it was over-compensation. I thought maybe I talked myself into it but I felt myself developing feelings and then I cried over him when I thought he liked someone else. My psychologist suggested I need a strong emotional connection with a boy to feel aroused by them, and to be familiar with them because I'm not familiar with men's bodies. Which I'm not. I know the anatomy but I've never seen a real penis apart from my dad's and that doesn't count. Sorry I'm rambling but there aaaaaahhhfhiewu9

 

Hi i am just me,

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it. Labels can be really confusing I agree, and sexuality can be so complicated. I think bisexuality can be really complex as well, as there are so many different shades of it on the spectrum so it can be extra confusing!! I think that's what's confusing me, along with my over-anxious brain.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply!!x

 

Hi everyone, other responses are still greatly appreciated and I will take all replies into account.

 

Thank you beenthrdonetht, it does sound like I am naturally more comfortable with girls. How do I accept it? I'm finding that really hard, and I always dreamed of having a boyfriend and now it seems unlikely.

 

Thank you so much for your advice, it has really helped me. I always thought maybe I'd have a heterosexual relationship and discover maybe it wasn't for me, and that's okay, especially as I'm so much more comfortable with girl too. My parents are not homophobic so I should be okay and my friends will be supportive, but shocked!

I'm really glad you have told me you think I'm mostly gay, because I think I really needed to hear someone say it to me, that they think that. Most people have said I'm bisexual in my real life and you've told me I'm gay which is refreshing for me! But I'm still adjusting but I think it will be okay.

When you said you think I'm a little bit bi, how far do you think that goes? I think I have a small attraction to men but it might not be enough for the long run and for a relationship. Do you think my crushes on boys weren't real?

Thank you so much again!!

 

I understand, thank you so much! I'll try and process all of this as it's a lot to take in. I'm so scared, I really thought I was bisexual. I used to talk about boys with such passion... but it was more just obsession. I'm going to talk about it with my mum today, as I'm so anxious about it it's distracting me from the work I have to do for school.

Hi!! That's so cool! I'm going to Paris for my 18th birthday next year, it's such a lovely place. I'm dying to go to California. Have fun!

 

Hi beenthrdonetht, I think I need to speak to you again! I guess you could say I came out to my mum yesterday, and I told her I think I will only be dating women at this point in my life and I just feel so much more comfortable with them. I also told her how I don't think I could give myself to a man that way. She was beyond fine with it and we've spoken about it before so she's always known I've been confused, and my dad doesn't really care so long as I'm happy so it's okay.

However, I'm having second thoughts. I feel attracted to trans men (I was watching youtube videos of them) and I still feel very physically attracted to them. I think I do experience arousal to them also, and I know you said my crushes were likely more admiration (which they possibly were), however I watched a video on 'Are you bisexual?' and he asked who you experience 'dopamine' rushes for. I experienced what I thought were dopamine rushes whenever I saw the boys I liked, and sometimes I experience them when I see my friends too. Whenever I saw those boys I felt happier and excited to be near them. That's why I thought they were crushes - I couldn't wait to see them and I would always seek them out in the crowds if I could. I barely knew most of them, but I really wanted to know them but I was too shy. I also fantasised about kissing them and being close to them, even from the age of 9 when I fantasised about a boy saying he loved me. I used to follow him around the playground!

Can you see my confusion now? Aaah! Because I agree that most heterosexual/bisexual people don't doubt their heterosexual attractions, but what does this mean?

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 07:38 AM ----------

When I say 'dopamine rushes' for my friends, I felt it stronger when I saw the boys.

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 07:38 AM ----------

I feel like this sounds very denial-y!!!

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 07:40 AM ----------

Like, I would smile around them more and would always want to look happy around them. But maybe I'm misinterpreting my own emotions? Maybe that was to do with patriarchy, as I did base a lot of worth on boy's attention back then. It's just I remember how I felt about them so clearly, and it felt so strong.

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 07:41 AM ----------

If anyone else has other thoughts that would be great too. I may lean a lot towards women, and I probably will end up dating more women, however I feel there is something there for boys too but I don't want to be in denial.

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 07:47 AM ----------

I also felt very jealous whenever they would talk to other girls, like it was a stab in the gut. I remember that when I was 11 and another time when I was in secondary school and liked another boy. I'm just remembering all of these details - because I'm not entirely sure if they were platonic. However I was in puberty and my hormones were everywhere, so maybe I have completely misinterpreted all of this for romance when it was admiration which blows my mind.

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 07:49 AM ----------

Yesterday I felt so sure I was gay and I don't know whether this is my unconscious trying to deny it.

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 07:52 AM ----------

I posted so much because this has been my circle of thought for about 7 months now!! I probably am mostly gay, I just wanted to hear anyone's thoughts on this and if anyone has gone through the same thing.

 

Hi beenthrdonetht, thank you so much for the advice!! I guess I felt attracted to the trans men because they have the same equipment as girls?

I'm not sure I wrote it clearly, but I got the dopamine rush from boys in the past, not from the trans men. I felt attracted to the trans men physically. However when I spoke about the boys afterwards I meant those from my past, and I feel like I felt butterflies and rainbows for the cis men and it's strange. I just wanted to know what you thought about that?

Yay! Chocolate orange tending to girls and open to other flavours is my new label!!

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 08:47 AM ----------

And Happy New Year to you too!! I hope you have a brilliant one and thank you so much for all of the help you have given me!!

 

@beenthrdonetht My mum has definitely said something along the lines of that! She's been so supportive of me and I'm so grateful. I think I just have to accept that there will always be uncertainty in life, especially when it comes to sexuality. I wish I people didn't have to feel so confused but I think accepting being a lesbian, in this period of time, even if it isn't what I will identify as in the future, has helped me so much. It has removed the fear a lot and helped me accept my attraction to women that I don't think I fully integrated into myself. I think I've learned, truly, that whether I'm a lesbian or bisexual it's completely okay either way. I finally feel comfortable saying that.

Thank you so much for the time you've spent replying to me!! I really appreciate it! I've spent New Years Eve helping my friend who was drunk! :lol: I hope you had a great time!

@SHACH I've seen some of your posts and I really relate to what you have said!! It's incredibly confusing because I think our sexualities are the types that aren't clear cut and you can't predict what our futures are. It makes it even more confusing and easy to spiral into worry. I think I might be bisexual but lean towards girls, but all in all maybe I don't need a label. Good luck on your journey and happy new year!! :eusa_danc

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 05:16 PM ----------

Also, I think I am going to date a girl next.

 

I'm the same!! Thank you, I really appreciate it. I think I'm going to take everyone's responses and take them all into consideration! That's good, picking a label is really hard sometimes. I hope I can find a label that I am comfortable with soon. Same here! I told my mum I think I'll only really be dating girls at this point in my life, however I still feel slightly confused and don't want to later come out as bisexual again and feel silly, so I know how you feel!! I'm sure it will! Thank you for your help!

 

Hi! If you don't mind beenthrdonetht, as you have me lots of good advice, would you mind helping me one last time? I was wondering, from everything I've told you, if you
think it would be bad for me to have a boyfriend or unethical? Do you think I'm fully gay to the point I could never have a relationship with a man? Thank you so much.

---------- Post added 5th Jan 2017 at 10:32 PM ----------

Have given me*