Hi, I'm nineteen years old, born a male, identify as a man, and am pretty sure I'm gay... I've had problems with this before, but not as severe as today. My problem is that I'm questioning the legitimacy of my sexuality: Again. I don't know, it's weird. It all started when I woke up today. For some reason I was more upset than usual, like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I was pretty okay for most of the day, but then I remembered this one thing this lady said to me a few months or so ago. She said to me: "How can you know if you're gay if you've never dated anyone?" To me, there's many things wrong with this question, but that's not the point, sort of. I guess I've been thinking a little more than I should have about this. I've never dated anyone, but I love chubby guys and have been masturbating to them for years now. I think they're adorable; especially the rough and tumble, energetic, cheeky ones that make me go red in the face. But, sometimes I wonder if I'm really gay. I mean, I don't think about romantic/sexual/emotional relationships with women consciously, like, ever. I've had female friends I've been close to but that's about it. I guess it's because sometimes a sexual thought might cross my mine from time to time, but I always push it out out of fear... I don't know. It's like I'm afraid of women or afraid of being straight or something. Almost like I couldn't handle it if I was or was Bi or something. Which in a way is kind of dark humor-y, backwards in a way; a gay man afraid of straight. I don't know it's just really confusing and annoying, and I've never been the best at emotional regulation (I don't know, I've always been a really sensitive person. Things that might be easy for some people to shrug off are sometimes significantly harder for me to). I don't know. Sometimes I just want someone big and soft to snuggle with. And I've always been a fan of the "boyish" annoying, but lovable archetype. Put those things together and it's a match made in heaven almost. I don't know. I would like to just put this black dog to rest but it keeps rearing it's ugly little head. I wish I had another head to give me some guidance on this. It's weird.
As someone who has dated both genders: I knew I was gay when I dated men, but I refused to believe it, because being straight was easier and acceptable. I look back at those two awkward times as low points in my life. Bottom line: you don't need to date anyone to know what you like and don't like. I never had a sexual, or physical attraction to men. Women, on the other hand, all the time. They just make me happier. My biggest aha moment was dating my ex and kissing a girl, where everything clicked and i was no longer confused about what I wanted in my life. Try going on a date with a man and see if that is the same for you?
From what you describe, it doesn't sound like there's any serious attraction to women, and lots of attraction, arousal, and connection toward men. If that's the case... then you're gay. In your case, it sounds like there may be some underlying anxiety symptoms that are interfering with your ability to understand yourself. Working with a therapist would probably be really helpful to you.
