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I don't know what my sexuality it, please help?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Gamma5, Dec 26, 2016.

  1. Gamma5

    Regular Member

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    Hello! This is my first post here. I think this is going to be a long embarrassing rant on my sexuality and I can be a bit weird so I apologise in advance if it is.
    I'm 17 year old girl, a virgin ( bask in my purity, hah), and have only had one boyfriend ( although the relationship only lasted 3 months and I was a stupid 14 year old so I'm not sure if it counts?) and I don't really know what my sexuality is. While I'd love to just throw labels out the window and carry on, it's getting to the point when I'd like to have some idea of my sexual orientation or who I'm attracted to, if anyone.
    I never thought about relationships until I started secondary school, and even then it was something I talked about but had no intention of doing. I can find guys hot- but it's more a observation, if you know what I mean. I don't really feel anything behind it. If a really good-looking guy starts talking to me I'll probably start stammering, but that's because I'm slightly intimidated by really attractive people ( does anyone else have that, by the way? It's like I'm thinking " I am just a feeble plain mortal in the presence of this Adonis, why the fuck can I not have skin like that...") not because I want to do anything with said Adonis(!). I find myself saying that this and that celebrity/random guy is hot ir that I'd date this and that to be " normal". I was so convincing my best friend got my a Sherlock behind the scenes book this Christmas because she thinks I find Andrew Scott and Benedict Cumberbatch incredibly hot when in actual fact I'm just fangirling because they're really endearing and are both amazing actors ( have you seen Scott in the film " Pride" or BD in " The Imitation Game" just nfusignsfdigos the feeeeels) but make it out to be fangirling on their good looks because that seems the normal thing to do. About 40% of my friends are guys and with some of them we have a really deep, if you ever murder someone I'll be your alibi type friendship because they're amazing people. In the past I've actually lost friendships because the guy has thought because we were so close I felt something more, and has asked me out, to which I would freak out and say no. The one time I said yes to someone because I thought that as a teenage girl I should be dating guys it ended really badly. We kissed and it wasn't " Wow super fun fantastic lovely great!" like other girls have describe it was just " eh, this is okay, do you use chapstick btw?" and when he tried to French kiss me a big NOPENOPENOPENOPE (although he and/or I may just have been a bad kisser) and I just felt so WEIRD when we were dating. Texting and talking to him all the time when we were friends was fun, texting and talking to him all the time while dating was not because he was always saying he loved me, talking about romantic stuff, and I wasn't into it. I could only see him as a friend, which is why I ended the relationship because it was unfair on him ( though then it turned out I was basically a replacement for another girl really similar to me he'd had a crush on but had rejected him so I don't feel that sorry for him anymore) Basically, I can find guys attractive, but even if I'm super close with them, talk to them all the time and trust them the idea of dating just doesn't appeal, and the idea of just dating a guy in general something that I couldn't do. For a while I thought I was Aromantic and that since I didn't want to date guys I wouldn't date anyone ever. I developed a crush on my friend who is a girl and had a boyfriend at the time, but even if she was single I had no intention of ever telling her how I felt because I was certain she only saw me as a friend and didn't want it to become awkward like myself and guy friends who'd developed feelings. I don't have any of those feelings towards her now because we've become different and now I just find her sort of annoying. Even then I didn't consider that I could gay. I've never thought of myself as straight exactly... I never really thought about my sexuality, buried it. I've only recently starting thinking about the possibility of dating girls ( which is really dumb and I don't know why I haven't thought of it please don't judge me) and suddenly realised " Oh huh I'd be okay with dating a girl" In actual fact I WANT to date a girl because I think I'd actually be into having a relationship in that case. I don't feel much lust towards women exactly. I get the intimidation feeling if they're super pretty but I've never crushed on a girl for her looks ( actually to be fair I've only ever had one girl crush) When I see a girl with a really nice figure I can find myself staring, not getting super aroused, but just wanting to look. Whereas if I see a picture of a topless super muscly greased up guy I can only think how weird nipples are on guys to me or wonder if he waxes his chest or if it'd hurt if I punched his abs. Also, I find dicks weird. I've talked about this to my gay friend ( pretty much the only person I've discussed me being a lesbian with) who can't understand how I find them weird, but I do. They're just... no. Whenever my female friends describe hooking up with guy I find myself visibly cringing when they describe what sucking a guy off is like and other stuff. However I can't exactly say I want to have sex with women because I've never done anything. But if I were to start a relationship that would eventually build up to that I would try it out, if I trusted her and felt comfortable with her enough. Anyway, at the moment I don't feel like a have much of a sex drive. I think it's because I'm inexperienced and immature and I've never felt that kind of connection with someone to want to do those kind of things. Maybe I'm on the asexual spectrum. I don't know.
    Yet despite writing all this I still don't feel I can go " Oh hey I'm a lesbian" because I don't feel like I can fully accept it, which is so stupid because I'm not homophobic in any way shape or form, I have gay, lesbian, bi, pan non-binary friends and I am completely accepting of all love and identities, but I cannot identify as a lesbian. It's scary. I can conjure up my ideal guy in my head, what his personality would look like, the endearing physical features of his face, but even if I create my " perfect" boyfriend I can't imagine dating him in real life, having sex with him. I want to be able to reliably and soundly know that I'm gay, love being gay, come out to people and not give a shit if they don't like it but I still feel uncertain. I won't come out to anyone in case I suddenly realise that I'm not gay, just with how I realised I'm probably not Aromantic or completely asexual. I know I shouldn't rely so much on labels but I'm fed up of this grey fog in my head whenever I try to confront my sexuality.
    If anyone has any advice, has the same experience, please let me know. I'm sorry for this long post but I haven't talked about this in this much depth with anyone and I'm lost. Any help is much appreciated. Even writing this has given me a little clarity:grin:
     
  2. canadian

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    Okay, a few thoughts. I might not be the best person to give advice considering I don't have much experience, but I did relate to a few things in your post.

    1. I'm 28 and only very recently have come to accept the fact that I am not straight so it isn't weird that you've just starting questioning things at 17 :slight_smile: I've questioned myself over the years but mostly ignored those feelings so it's great that you're questioning at your age.
    2. Part of the reason why it took me so very long to realize that I want to be with a woman is that I would "check out" guys more than I did women. I can look at a guy and find him extremely attractive physically whereas with a woman, I now know that it's more their personality and "vibe" that attracts me. Of course I find women physically attractive but it's much deeper than just their looks. With guys, I think the attraction ends at their looks. That's why I was so confused for so long about why I never had feelings for any guys but I'm starting to get a bit more of a handle on things now. Looking back, I definitely had crushes on some of my female friends. I thought I just really wanted to be their best friend/close to them but I was in serious denial. I can still look at a man and find him very physically attractive but definitely cannot picture ever having sex with him or even kissing him. That should have tipped me off a long time ago too. So, maybe your situation is similar to that? I think physical attraction and emotional attraction are two very different things. When I feel an emotional connection to a woman, I definitely feel and develop a physical one as well. I have never looked at a model or something and said "oh she's hot-- I want to sleep with her." So the fact that you feel similarly makes perfected sense to me. It feels complicated, though, doesn't it?! I guess it is.
    3. From experience, not everyone gets an answer about their own sexuality early on in their lives. I have friends who realized they were gay at like 14 and I am SO jealous of them. Again, the fact that you're already aware of your feelings and not just shoving them down is great.
    4. I'm not saying you are or are not gay but I thought I would share my experience with you because your internal feelings and conflicts seem to be similar to what I grappled with for years. I was sooo sure I was straight despite many of my gay friends questioning me. What the heck what I thinking? Haha. It seems so obvious now.
    5. Can you picture kissing/being with the friend you talked about who has a boyfriend? You said the idea of a penis freaks you out and didn't enjoy kissing your boyfriend. Does the thought of kissing your crush excite you?
    6. It's much more complicated to accept your own potential homosexuality than your gay friends. Trust me-- that does not make you homophobic. My sister is gay and has been out for well over ten years. Same with two of my best friends and most of my other friends (I play hockey and there are a lot of gay girls who play.) Yet, despite this, I still was in serious denial. Even now, I've come out to very few people and still say I'm "not straight" as opposed to saying I'm gay. When I come out I just say I've realized I never want to date a man. I've also advocated for LGBTQ rights my whole life. It doesn't make sense to me why I had such a hard time, but at least I'm finally accepting it within myself.

    I hope that at least helped you see that you aren't alone in feeling this way. Sorry for the long answers :lol: