fed up with this feeling

I've posted on this forum a few times over the years and as I'm back its evident that nothing has really changed. Thought I'd try again and just express my current state (which is being amplified by my hangover). Sorry for the long post!

I'm a 28 year old guy in London who is living the life of a straight guy. I sleep with quite a lot of girls and spend more time than most people I know on ****** and dating apps, and enjoy sex a lot. Even so, I have lingering doubts about my sexuality. Generally I find both girls and guys attractive. Sometimes I think I'm not actually attracted to girls, sometimes that I'm bi, sometimes gay, sometimes that I have physical attraction to girls but no emotional connection... I'm a bit all over the place.

I've had these doubts and feelings since I was a teenager, and at various points in my life I have considered coming out. Normally this is at a point where I'm dating/seeing a girl and feeling uncomfortable in the relationship and something feels off. My last proper girlfriend was in university, and I think since then although I've dated girls I always call it off on the first sign of them looking for some kind of commitment. This could be due to good old fashioned commitment issues but I think also due to the lingering feeling that I am actually gay! Its extremely frustrating - although happy single/dating at some point I want a relationship and I feel like I'm living one kind of life at the moment which may end up changing.

I've told 3 people about these doubts. A girl I used to chat to a lot online but no longer am I contact with, a good mate who is gay and has always said if I want to chat to him/come out with his mates to gay clubs then I can (I've gone to gay bars a few times but always introduced as 'my straight friend') and a girl I had a thing with before who lives far away and knows no one I know, who is also suppotive. The last of these was a year ago and since then I've just carried on dating/sleeping with girls.

I have no problem with being gay, and have lots of gay mates, but obviously coming out would change things and makes me anxious. Firstly, I'd feel really stupid. I don't know if people I know already think I'm gay or not but in any case, coming out would appear like I've been living a lie for years, or that I never really understood myself. Both are kind of true but I'd still feel like an idiot and it would feel very embarrassing really, especially telling ex gf's. Secondly, I don't like the idea of being emotional and anxious about relationships. I've always considered myself quite logical and in control of my emotions but sometimes I think this is just because I'm repressing them and if I fully accept that I like men I'd start acting like a teenage girl and get really attached to people. I understand this is good in the long run and the way people find a long term loving relationship but it scares me. Thirdly, the idea of being thought of as a 'gay man' and everything that comes with it. I know that gay people come in all shapes and sizes but it bothers me that whatever a gay persons personality is, they are always first described as gay as if that defines them.

I understand all the points above are things that can be dealt with, and shouldn't be avoided if I am in fact gay as it will be good to come out in the long run. However, the issue is that I really don't understand if I am. I really enjoy sleeping with women but feel very little else. Fondness for the girl and enjoy their company but no real emotions. It often feels like a genuine 'friend with benefits' situation, until I get to a point where I am bored of speaking to them and they just become friends. I have had a bit of a porn addiction which I've been trying to address for years, and currently in another period of giving it up. Its always been straight porn, or girls on webcam. Sometimes I look at gay porn as a 'check' but get bored and go back to girls. I think maybe I'm just addicted to this and now see girls as a way of getting off without any emotional feelings being involved, and rely on porn/sex as a crutch to avoid dealing with any real emotions. I'm generally quite relaxed with girls and don't often feel what others would describe as a 'crush' - thinking about a girl constantly, feeling anxious around them, feeling in the heart, inability to focus. However, I do sometimes get this with guys. I generally feel uneasy around good looking guys, or around gays who I think may be gay. I make a point of not avoiding them but it is tricky. My old housemate was a good looking guy and I think during the period I lived with him I felt a lot more anxious than usual. Sometimes I think I get genuine 'crushes' on guys but as I honestly don't know whether this is my mind tricking me, I don't do anything about it. I have read about HOCD and some of it applies, but not other bits.

I often have the feeling that my life is in some limbo period and hasn't really started yet. I imagine this feeling is common in all people but I often think I have it because I'm avoiding coming out and my real life will start when I do. Basically, I am all over the place, and its causing me a lot of stress and anxiety and crippling my ability to form a proper relationship.

I know if I read this post, what advice I'd give. Take time dealing with it myself, speak to the friends who know and support me, speak to guys on forums and see how it goes, maybe try going to a gay club and meeting a guy. However, to be blunt, it scares me. I think I'm terrified that I am gay and that I'd have to deal with it. I'd also assume that the person posting was bisexual and therefore struggling to deal with the conflicting feeling for both sexes, which is probably the case. This brings with it a ton of other issues though - how to identify myself, what to go looking for in terms of a partner etc. I don't know. I think I need to talk about it more and think about it more rather than avoiding it, however much that makes life easier in the short run.

All comments, advice, messages etc appreciated. Also if anyone is going through a similar period, please get in contact, as it would be great to talk. This has also been a forum I've read through and its so welcoming, and I hope to become a part of it.

tl;dr i'm fed up of not understanding my own emotions and knowing what I like!

 

Cheers for replies

@cinis, you may well be right that my attraction to girls is just part of the avoidance. Sometimes I feel like my dating/sex life is more of a fun hobby as opposed to me trying to find a real relationship from it, although maybe that's just due to emotional immaturity. However, my physical attraction to girls does feel very real. I just don't get much/any real 'crush' type feelings, or emotional bond. For example, if I'm dating a girl, I will generally not think about her much when I'm not with her, and not with any serious butterfly feeling. I do get that with guys, but I don't know whether its attraction/arousal or whether its an uncomfortable feeling because I'm so anxious about my sexuality.

I think I should (with myself and some maybe some of my friends) be honest about the fact I may be attracted to guys and explore it. Maybe it will lead somewhere, maybe it won't. What worries me is for it to be 'common knowledge' that I am dating/seeing a guy because I think once people think of you as gay its very hard to get around that. So I want a way to explore these feelings in relative privacy without it getting out among friends/work/acquaintances.

@abdiel I do think that much more people than admit have thoughts about both sexes. One of my gay mates - the one I've told - said that since hes come out a huge number of straight guys have told him they've considered the fact they may be gay or had attraction to guys, and that he was shocked at how common it was. So its nice that I'm not alone, although I think the fact its this cloud that been hanging over me for years isn't so normal. As I stated in the other thread, I think yours might be a sexual issue as opposed to a sexuality issue.

 

Just noticed that my post in your thread hasn't been approved yet, I think because I put a website in it. Hopefully you'll see it at some point! But essentially I think it could be porn related.

But yes, even in London in 2016 when being gay is generally seen as fine, its still a label I don't want to start using until I'm comfortable. Ideally everyone would have the opinion that sexuality is fluid and doesn't matter at all but unfortunately its not as simple as that. Also, if I start identifying as bisexual, that will put off plenty of partners of both sexes.

 

Havn't posted here for a while - busy start to the year. Long post coming up, as that's all I'm really capable of. I like to bottle things up and then go on a huge rant about it.

PJ - Thanks for your message! Sorry that my response has been so slow, I somehow missed it last time I logged in. In reply - I do enjoy sex with girls from a physical level but I don't know if I feel satisfied with it either. I don't feel much else and am left wondering if there is 'something more'. I think its great that you have looked at reasons why things aren't working and found that the reason may be internal. Of course, it may not be, but its a good consideration. I identify 100% with the anxiety/panic attacks at trying to behave a certain way when it may just be a cover up! However much I try to tell myself that I'm fine with my feelings and that if I knew 100% that I was gay/bi then I could be okay with it, I guess I'm not. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here, and will be better from now on! I appreciate you may be looking for a girl who can identify more with your feelings but if you want some fellow repressed struggler who has a talent for listening, let me know

So - my current situation. I have continued to repress my feelings beyond all comprehension. I typically seem to be able to do this without too much of a problem, until I develop a potential 'crush' on someone. I think these 'crushes' are the reason I have such a fear of my sexuality. Through my life I have considered myself/outwardly been straight, and not just that, I've always considered myself in control of my emotions. I've never really behaved irrationally with someone I'm dating or having any kind of relationship with, and always acted logical. To some degree I've even judged those, friends and otherwise, who are less in control of themselves (e.g. who have a crush on someone who is in a relationship and who they can't have). I think I'm realising that this isn't just because I'm some hardened robot, or someone who can shut off emotion when I need to. It's potentially because I've not actually felt proper crushes on those of the opposite sex. This is why I find it so easy to not be phased if the person I like doesn't like me. Or to sleep with someone for months/ years on end and have no real feeling towards them beyond sexual interest/friendship.

I also realise that the feelings I've possibly had for those of the same sex may be more than anxiety, admiration, or whatever else I put it down to. It may be sexual/romantic interest. To be honest, this terrifies me, on a number of levels.

It is not because I believe there is anything wrong with being gay. I am completely fine with it generally, I have plenty of close gay friends and am a huge supporter of gay rights. Potentially some form of internal homophobia to get over, but I'm sure I can deal with this.

It is partially because of what it would mean if I was gay - how telling people would impact my relationships with friends, family, exes etc. And the idea that my future may be with a guy and not a girl. This does frighten me. I think holding on to the idea that I may be bi (which is still a very real possibility, as I definitely have the sexual interest in girls, which currently seems much stronger than I have it with guys) makes me feel better about this, as it seems less of a complete change and could end up living a 'standard' life eventually. If it did become clear I was gay, I think I can eventually get over it by thinking through it logically as the following... I haven't really had any fulfilling relationships with girls in the past, even though I've had many opportunities with a great number of very suitable people, and therefore my life isn't as good as it could be. If I have a relationship with a man and I creates a happiness I've not experienced, this means the future is bright. So whilst coming out is difficult, you rarely hear of people coming out and accepting themselves and them regretting it. Things truly do get better. Therefore, whilst a hurdle, I think it is one I can overcome.

So that leaves the thing I'm REALLY scared of. Not having control of my emotions. Feeling these REAL emotions, which can overwhelm, upset, depress and hit hard. It scares me that I may fall for someone hard, someone who I have no choice over. Someone who I can't have. Someone who I have absolutely no hope of getting (i.e. a straight guy). Someone who causes me to act stupid, or feel shit around, or to feel constant anxiety around in my home, my job, or my friendship group.

This has come to light because I'm potentially starting a new job soon. I went to an interview and had already looked up the guy I was meeting on linkedin. He struck me as quite attractive - not even really that attractive, but with certain nice features. When I met him, he seemed nice and okay looking, so far so good. But at a random point in the meeting I had that sudden internal thought/feeling that felt like a drop in my heart. 'Oh shit, you have a crush on him'. Since that point on, and whilst being in the pub for the last 5 hours, this keeps coming into my brain. Not so much his face or the 'what a wonderful guy' but instead, the 'oh shit you have a crush on him'. This scares me because I don't want to have a crush on someone who I work with, my potential manager. I don't want something like this to impact my career. Also, the level of anxiety it has given me today is so distracting and troublesome, I don't want to be feeling this all the time.

This anxiety/feeling inside is despite the fact he is 1. only slightly above average looking 2. seems really quite square and not interesting at all and 3. I've only met him for 10 minutes! Plus I already know he is married to a girl. I'm terrified I will eventually meet someone who is incredibly attractive, really fun and who I end up working with all the time. If this is the level of 'crush' I get with this guy, how will I cope with that?!

In my head there is still the potential that I'm actually creating something out of nothing here. Either that I'm gay and these crushes are just minor fixations, or that I'm straight all along and all of this is the fear of being gay/having an inapproprirate crush that is giving me anxiety. HOCD if you will. I havn't been diagnosed with OCD but I definitely have previous experienced of obsessional thoughts and have haunted me for a long time, including such lovely sentiments such as 'what if you're racist', 'what if you have a child one day who you hate and can't face bringing them up' and 'what if the sound of a chalkboard stays in your head and never leaves you'. At different times I've had all 3 of these thoughts and they didn't leave my head for months, even though I know they are ridiculous and just not true/feasible. Reading this back, I think I need therapy!

Even considering the above, I don't really want to just put my head back in the sand about the potential I am gay/bi. I've had feelings like this with multiple guys over the years. It's just confusing for me because there is no real feeling of 'desire'. I don't have sexual thoughts about the guys. I find the male naked body attractive/impressive but have no urge to be close to it, and don't feel turned on when there is a man with a good body in the gym changing rooms. Meanwhile I do get feeling of wanting sex with girls, and closeness with women that I don't get with men. Any desires to look at porn are to see the girl, not the guy (although I'm 40+ days porn free currently!)

The feelings I get around these male 'crushes' are more deep feelings of anxiety and unease, and of the knowledge of the fact they are attractive. But mainly its just the frustrating and annoyance that they keep appearing in my head when I don't want them to. It is ridiculous that after 28 years I don't know if they even are a 'crush' and whether this means I have homosexual attractions. I am coming to the conclusion its naive to just ignore them. I rarely get this with girls, however much time I've spent with them or however many times I sleep with them.

From a practical perspective I know the obvious thing to do is explore my sexuality - potentially try and meet a guy I'm attracted to, kiss him and see how that makes me feel. Currently though, I have no urge to do that. I enjoy my life as a single straight guy, partially because of the lack of emotional issues it causes me (somehow, I feel like having the above feelings for a female colleague would be more manageable). I also don't have much urge to kiss a guy. However, I guess this may be the deep sexuality repression thing I have going on, and the fear of 'being caught'.

If anyone reads this (PS well done, thank you, and sorry to take up so much of your time) and have gone through the same general worries of their emotions please advise me on how they have dealt with it. Even better, tell me that it passes! All advice and comments appreciated. I'm currently a 28 year old man who is outwardly confident and sure of himself but inside feeling like a terrified 13 year old boy :/

 

It's the end of the weekend and I'm feeling pretty tense and anxious. I have had a good time, saw a lot of friends and had fun, so I'm fed up of this feeling considering how good my life is looking right now.

I'm dating two girls at the moment, one I've met maybe 5 times and the other only twice. Both are lovely - the 5 time one (lets call her Anna) is very confident and fun, and I have a laugh with her. The other (lets call her Betty) is more shy and quiet but interesting, and there's something about her that draws me. Both are very attractive and both are very good in bed. However, as usual, I don't feel anything in the way of 'excitement', or any of the feelings that others describe as a crush. I enjoy seeing both and I'm attracted to both, so why don't I feel more?!

The three reasons that I keep coming back to are

1. I have long term issues with porn which have dulled my emotions to the point where I can't feel an emotional connection with a girl.
2. My mindset is wrong and I need to start looking at dating a girl as potential relationships in order for it to develop. or
3. Any attraction I have to them is not actually sexual/romantic, and the hetero side of me is an illusion.

While number 2 is definitely something I need to work on if I want a relationship, I think I need to at least feel potential to consider becoming exclusive and giving it a go. I am working on addressing 1 and have given up porn for over 45 days now. That leaves 3, and the potential that either I'm completely gay, I'm bi without romantic feelings for girls, or I'm bi and the stress of repressing it is causing me to not feel anything for these girls.

What is very frustrating is I really enjoy the emotional/relationship side of it. I spent an hour after sex this evening just lying and cuddling Betty, chatting and laughing. It felt so natural and I felt so comfortable, I could have continued that for days. However, if she was to text tonight and say she is getting back with an ex, I don't think I'd be bothered at all (other than feeling shitty about the rejection aspect). Same with Anna, and same with any other girls I've dated over the years. It's like the enjoyment is there, but its more about what I get out of the situation. The actual person I'm sharing the moment with appears to be replaceable.

I hate that I never feel anything. I feel I'm tired of just having sex/short term flings, and that it just feels meaningless, but until I find someone worth committing to, I don't want to commit, and therefore that's all that is available to me.