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Feeling like i'm not really out yet and being confused...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Cinis, Dec 28, 2016.

  1. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    ( Yes it's one of those really long, ramble-y life-story-threads with no real bottom-line....)

    So back when I first came out ( I think I was 12 or something) it just went like this: I was just sitting down with a friend in the library talking and asked her "Is it weird to just like people for their personality?" we talked about that a bit and I remember concluding with " Well, I'll probably be together with a woman in the future. That'd be less weird for me." , in retrospect it's a pretty weird statement, considering everyone sees the heterosexual way as "less weird".
    But that's somehow the way it still is, whenever I imagined myself in the future it was with a woman.
    But somehow despite being out as bi whenever someone talks about my future and crushes they talk about boys, and i know that that's naturally the way people would think, but somewhere deep inside it just keeps bothering me. That friend I first came out to is still around and she always considered that option, always asks "is it a girl?" when i tell her about having a crush and it just makes me so happy.

    The thing is that I feel differently about girls than about guys: If it's a girl I could meet her for the first time and one smile or one funny comment is enough to get me in that state of "I want to know more about her", for guys on the other hand it takes time getting to know them and even then it's just an "I maybe have a crush on him" and for those that I like on first glance it usually just goes away after 5 minutes or so or remains in the "Do I like him?" stage while I have crushes on girls for weeks even if they do or say things I'm usually against. (What I'm trying to say is girls kill the logical part of my brain and probably make me superficial...-.-')

    The problem with guys is that I'm never really sure if I like them or not. There's a guy I'm currently friends with and if i had a list of "things I'd ideally want from a partner" he'd tick every single box...bit i just can't tell if i like him that way...and it's not just a "because we're friends" thing it's just..."Uhhhm...how would i know?"

    I guess this is what I mean when I say "I feel like I'm not out yet" it's just that...everyone naturally associates my future with guys and that's probably logical considering it's much easier to find a straight guy than a lesbian (or well a bi guy and a bi girl...though those seem to be even rarer). But for me it just seems so much more likely to end up with a girl so when everyone keeps teasing me with guys I just feel dumbfounded.

    This brings me to the next part: I'm just really confused over it all.

    Logically I could just say "or girlfriend" when someone talks about that stuff...but I just can't. Even though I'm normally extremely blunt and honest ( I willingly answer people questions about scars I have from self harm if they choose to ask even if they are complete strangers...so yeah...pretty honest and very bluntly so..) I just find it extremely hard to do talk about this. I try to avoid talking about lesbian topics (unless in political discussions) don't dare to openly buy or watch movies or books with lesbian characters in them and nearly couldn't bring up the courage to ask my mom to go to an LGBT group even though she's one of the most open minded and accepting people ever.

    In conclusion:I'm ashamed.
    Not of being interested in women itself, as I had zero problems within the LGBT group itself and never hated myself for it.
    It's just..this picture...this picture everyone has of being a lesbian..not necessarily a stereotype but just....people saying they can't understand being gay or that it's not natural..not even in a negative context (despite how these comments sound, but both of the people that said them aren't homophobic...not completely understanding but certainly not against it) ...but it's these comments...this feeling of "not being normal" that makes me stop. Whenever I pictured myself with a woman the only thing I felt was love..it was normal ..natural. But if I spoke up , if i added that " or girlfriend" when people talk about my future I know that they'll see it as something special..something that is ok but ultimately not normal.

    And that brings me to my attraction to guys. I'm afraid that deep down I'm only attracted to them because I'm just too afraid to be a lesbian. Internalized Homophobia even if I'm in a very accepting environment.

    I feel like I could love a guy if I really liked his personality...but that's just that..if i imagined myself with a guy in the future the relationship I see could just as well be really good friendship..
    I've had crushes on guys before but it could just as well be me trying to impress that guy to gain his acceptance...it's not that unlikely considering I have two brothers and thus often felt like I should get other guys to accept me as their equal ( and my brothers are just another problem because god it would be awkward talking about girls I like with them there even if i really trust them and love them to pieces)
    I feel the need to be attractive to guys sometimes (ie wearing makeup and girls stuff and having long hair (although I never actually do any of those things))
    I feel uncomfortable saying I'm bi or a lesbian if I'm around a guy i kinda like because i feel like it might ruin any (actually nonexistent) chances i have with him. ( again it makes me feel like a superficial asshole (I'll just blame it on teenage hormones))

    Thinking about what I'm attracted to sexually doesn't help much either given that I tried out masturbation and just found it boring. I am interested in sex though..it's just more about the other person having a great time than anything else...in that regard i don't actually care about parts or bodytype because it's just that..making sure the other one has a great time..si as long as I like their personality i don't care...
    ( but i don't really believe in dividing sexual from romantic orientation...they're too linked for that)

    ..So with that..it might just be that I get along with girls better and thus favor them..but as already said there have been guys i got along with greatly but the feeling wasn't really the same. I thought that maybe it's because guys are harder to read and thus more intimidating but that doesn't really hold up as I've fallen for girls that were complete strangers or which I knew to be straight so it's not like the aspect of what that person thinks about me really matters.

    It could also be that I view girls in general different as I tend to be more protective and flirty with them..but there have also been some guys for which I cared this way after some time ( also viewing girls that way males me feel like some weird straight dude as..again i can be very superficial when it comes to girls...it's a problem..)

    This all just leaves me pretty confused: Am I a bisexual who just happens to have a heavy preference for women? Am I actually a lesbian that can like men if she likes their personality?
    ..maybe the answer to these question ultimately doesn't matter...but I feel like it's important should I ever have the courage to actually talk about liking girls with my parents and close friends ( and it's kinda really just them..i have no problem with acquaintances or people I'm friends with but not that closely knowing) ..maybe i should just tell them instead of one day showing up with a girl and expecting everyone to be like " yeah she's bi so there was that other opinion...."
    I just...i don't want to get with a guy and hurt him when finding out i was wrong..when realizing that deep down i can't love him that way..
    It's..this feeling of confusion...of not knowing..of doing things just so society will approve of me..i want it to stop...but at the same time i don't want to be seen as a lesbian..i don't want to be reduced to that..maybe i just want lesbian to mean that feeling of love again..just normal natural love..

    But most of all I want to come clean to myself..and that means figuring out what I really want on the inside and what all those conflicting feelings are about.

    (thanks to everyone who actually read this monstrosity ( I've been wanting to get it out for a while but didn't really know how) , sorry that it turned out to be such a mess but it had to be done eventually...if you have any thoughts or advice feel free to share)
    ( also hugs for anyone who could be bothered to read my nonsense (*hug*) )