Dreadfully Confused About Orientation

Hello, all!

I'm brand new here, so I'm sorry if this issue has already been addressed, but I haven't seen any posts on it. My issue is most concisely characterized as general confusion about my sexual identity. This confusion comes from the fact that I have recently had experiences which seem to contradict the sexual orientation I thought I had. I'm not so much scared or upset by this, just a little confused and annoyed because it ruined one relationship I was otherwise very happy in, and now threatens another relationship that I'd rather not lose. So, without further ado, here are the juicy details (see underlined section for TL;DR):

I am a 26 year old male. I am, and have always been, unquestioningly hetero-romantic. I have had many, many crushes on women - the first when I was 5 years old and about 1000 more since then - and I've never had a crush on a man. I've also definitely been very deeply in love with multiple women. Aesthetically, too, I've always been focused on women. It's always the attractive women that my eyes subconsciously jump to in public; the male form doesn't really do anything for me. It's like women are a beautiful work of art I can't take my eyes off of, while men are just a blank wall that doesn't disgust or excite me.

Despite being romantically and aesthetically interested in women exclusively, I've always considered myself somewhere in the neighborhood of bisexual/bi-curious, or maybe even pansexual. Although I am not attracted to the male body, I have always been attracted to the experience of sex with another guy. I would watch gay porn and not really be attracted to either of the guys, but I'd be attracted to the fact that it was two men having sex. In turn, I feel like I'd want to have sex with a guy, but then I wouldn't want to cuddle after and definitely not date, because I don't get that warm, fuzzy, emotional joy from being around men like I do with women. Something about the sex just turns me on. However, I've never acted on my interest in gay sex, mostly because I'm just morally not a hooking up type of person, and since women are the only ones I'm interested in dating I just never bothered with guys and pursued girls exclusively. My porn/fantasy habits include straight/bi/gay/and trans, though - I never suppressed my other urges, just didn't act on them in "real" life.

So here's the big twist that has me so confused: I didn't actually lose my virginity until I was 25. So from the time I became sexually aware (about age 14) until age 25, I went about my business confident that I was a hetero-romantic, bi or pan-sexual with pretty much equal male/female attraction (I consumed straight porn and gay porn in about equal measure). I never had any experiences to base my orientation on, though, just porn and how I felt about myself. Then I met my first girlfriend and I had the damnedest time achieving sexual arousal with her. I thought she was gorgeous, I enjoyed her company, and I did fall quite in love with her, but in the six months we were together I'd say I was only really aroused easily like...5 times? Other times it'd take a ton of time and work to get me there and I'd lose it again at the drop of a hat, or it just didn't happen at all. I have never had erectile problems on my own, whether with gay/straight porn or fantasies, and I don't have any of the possible medical issues (low testosterone or other issues with the "plumbing").

That leaves me to wonder, and to ask you all, what is it in my head that is causing the issue then? I'm quite sure that I enjoyed sex with my girlfriend when we had it, and I enjoyed kissing and cuddling 24/7, but is it possible that I was wrong all along and am not actually bisexual but homosexual? If so, how do I address the fact that I am positively hetero-romantic? I'm a little worried about being trapped in some weird in-between where I have to neglect one half of my sexuality: Be with a woman for emotional fulfillment but no sex, or be with guys just for sex and get no emotional fulfillment; neither of those sound pleasant to me. I want to believe that it is just performance anxiety, but after six months of trying (three months of which I was also seeing a therapist) the problem hasn't gone away, so I'm either REALLY anxious for some reason, or there's something else going on. I'm wondering if I might be demisexual, because even when I'm alone just looking at porn usually isn't enough - I have to make up some sort of backstory to create an emotional connection to what I'm watching before anything happens.

In any event, my girlfriend had a very large sexual appetite, so despite us being very happy together we had to split because I just couldn't give her what she needed, which left me heartbroken, depressed, and ashamed for months. I finally felt ready to open myself up to someone else and am going on my third date with her tonight, and we have already planned for me to stay at her place after we go out. This has me both excited and afraid. I don't want to lose another relationship I'm enjoying because I'm so confused. I either need to figure this out or stop dating for a bit haha.

I'm sorry for the length of this, but I feel like some of the background details are important to understand and relate to exactly where I'm coming from. If anyone has experienced a situation similar to mine, I'd really appreciate your insights and advice. Thanks!

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply!

In response to the points you raised:

(1) When not using porn, I've fantasized about both men and women. But here's the thing, when I fantasize about women, it's usually a woman I have a crush on or the woman I'm currently dating. When I'm in the mood to fantasize about a man, it's usually some imagined, faceless male entity. Since there have never really been any guys that I've been attracted to, I can't/don't put any real guys into my fantasies. It's more just "I'm doing something with some random guy today because that's what I'm in the mood for."

(2) Building off of the first point and then responding to your second: I think it is entirely possible that I am addicted to porn. I don't really think I ever watched all that much (perhaps 4-5 times a week) but I find it EXTREMELY difficult to actually create a fantasy in my head that turns me on without porn. I tend to need the visual aid. A lot of the time I try to masturbate without porn, my mind just kind of goes blank and I end up getting off on the physical sensation alone while just sort of staring off into space (kind of bleak, I know). I did quit porn after about a month of having sexual issues with my girlfriend and we dated for 5 months after that with little (but some) improvement. I've stayed away from the porn since we broke up and have noticed that it's much easier for me to hold a fantasy in my own head. I'm definitely interested to see how things go with this new gal!