What does it mean if... -Two women together doesn't turn me on or seem romantic -A man and a woman together can seem very romantic to me and sometimes turns me on -Two guys together turns me on redface -I've only ever kissed a girl and liked it -I typically find women's faces more aesthetically pleasing, and I only ever find women's bodies "hot" I'm honestly so confused and it's driving me crazy not being able to figure this out. I don't want to discuss it with anyone because I feel my unsureness will cause people to not believe me should I ever come out as not straight. And that if I do try to discuss it with anyone they'll just brush it off and tell me I'm straight. (I REALLY don't want to be straight and don't think I am, but I want to get people's unbiased opinions). I'm a girl btw.
What genders do you want to sleep with? Or date? None of this clues are real clues. A lot of lesbians don't like media lesbianism and would rather watch two guys, but they would still find women together as an idea to be a wonderful romantic thing. It's just that the media versions are bad. Straight women can find women's faces aesthetically pleasing and can find women's bodies hot, and in fact It's quite common. But if I went off these clues alone, I would assume you were straight- Kinsey 1.
Oops, I just realized you said you didn't want to be straight. I must have missed over that part, sorry. Is there a real reason why?
Only ever finding women's bodies hot sounds kinda lesbian/bi to me... The question would be what precisely you're talking about when you mean two girls, two guys, etc. If you're only talking about the physical aspect..then that would point more towards attraction towards men If you're speaking about the emotional aspect then that's no indication because good depictions of lesbian relationships in the media are rare Though generally speaking: which couples you like in porn or the media isn't always a good indicator of your sexuality. ---------- Post added 29th Dec 2016 at 04:04 PM ---------- This might be a hard question to answer while you're still questioning but it's usually the best in finding out what your actual orientation is
I guess it also depends on how you define "hot". If one thinks women are hot in the extent of "I'd so sleep with her", that would probably be lesbian/bi. But if It's "hot" in the extent of aesthetically pleasing, I wouldn't think so. I know a lot of straight women who call women "sexy" but they absolutely would not want to sleep with them, unless situational sexuality is brought up. I don't find most women (or men) to be good looking at all. I certainly would never consider a woman to be "hot" (or a man really...) but I would only sleep with a woman since I don't want to touch man junk. It's just that my reason for wanting to sleep with women has to do with emotional connection, personality, life bonding, etc. I could use terms like "homoromantic demisexual" to describe myself, but It's controversial and unnecessary. So I just use lesbian to describe "I would only sleep with women, despite not caring about looks or drooling over them". And I would describe people who find women "good looking but not sexually desirable" to be straight. So to me sexuality is just about who you would sleep with. Hope this helps the OP. I'd like to know if there's an aesthetic difference or a pure sexual attraction.
Okay well since you guys asked for more information I typed up basically the whole story, so sorry for how long this is gonna be lol. Fair warning I have OCD and struggle with all-or-nothing thinking, so I tend to stress about about expressing myself the perfect way and either ramble on until I feel I've covered everything (this post) or write something super bare-bones (my original post). This post also involves me having to out myself as a virgin and as someone who has a lot of mental health issues, which is kind of embarrassing, but ties into the whole story, so yeah. So before I start let me just say that I've never actually had sex with anyone, or kissed anyone really, and have very little experience, so most of my understanding of my sexuality is just rational deduction. But anyway. When I was a little kid I always had what I THINK were crushes on the other little girls...I thought they were pretty and wanted to hang out with them, even if I didn't know them, just based on thinking they were pretty. When I got a little older, like elementary school age, I had a couple close girl friends who I liked to hold hands with and I THINK I had a crush on my best friend--I liked her personality obviously and I also thought she was really pretty and I always wanted to kiss her. When I got into around 5th grade and girls started to talk about crushes on boys, I always was extremely uncomfortable, didn't really know what they were talking about, but thought we were just supposed to "pick" a boy to have a crush on so I would sometime reluctantly name a boy, but I absolutely hated it. This continued on and when I got more into middle school I started not being able to stop staring at the girls, and being really really afraid of accidentally looking at a girl in the locker room, and I had more "crushes" that I THINK were crushes, I just would like a girl's personality and think they were really pretty. I would describe as more than just aesthetic attraction (I think) -- as more than just how I would think a flower is pretty or a painting is pretty. I thought they were hot, but I also didn't think about having sex with them or anything (so is that a crush?). I don't think I ever really noticed boys' appearance, but at this time I started becoming aware that I was supposed to like boys, and trying to force it (I can remember writing in my 8th grade diary that I must just be immature, and that I was going to force myself to grow up and like boys). I would force male celebrity crushes but looking back, now I wonder if MAYBE some of them were actual crushes? There were a couple guys, one in real life and one celebrity, whose personality I liked and who I would get kind of giddy and butterfly-ish talking about and thinking about. But I'm not sure if this is just a result of me trying to force it, and being happy about the idea that I might like a guy? Maybe it's a result of seeing so many straight movies etc. and romanticizing the idea of liking boys? Or am I just making excuses and I actually just do like boys? I can't remember ever feeling that giddy butterfly feeling about any girls. Although I should mention, for most of my life I've only ever been friends with girls and I don't really know how to talk to boys. I'm not sure if that means I'm emotionally attracted to girls, or what. I should mention that at this point in middle school I was also starting to develop social anxiety, something I now have really severely. So I think that could be messing things up. I've been bullied and have a LOT of fear surrounding people, so maybe that could be coming into play and messing up my natural feelings towards people? I don't know? But from middle school on I have always felt like I'm just "performing" in all of my friendships, and have never felt a genuine connection with friends, or had a friendship evolve naturally (I always just force it), like I did when I was younger, so maybe this is why I haven't really wanted to have sex with/kiss girls past when I was really young (as I'll get into later)? Just mentioning that cause continuing with the rest of my story/confusion, I just think it might tie into it. Anyway. In high school this pattern of having crushes (?) on girls continued, and I started questioning my sexuality for the first time, because it was always girls I found attractive, and boys were like looking at a brick wall or something in terms of how attracted I was to them. I just couldn't tear my eyes away from girls. I would go through periods of wondering if I was gay, followed by periods of thinking "no I'm normal." (Not that being gay isn't normal, but it was just weird to think of myself as having an identity I had never associated with myself). When I was 17 I had a sudden realization that I was gay, and ever since I have essentially seen myself as gay. At the time it was like looking back, everything made sense, all my childhood crushes. I still do consider myself gay -- it's like at that moment I crossed over a line, and I just can't leap back over that line and shift my perspective again, but lately I wonder if maybe I'm wrong. This is always something I wonder about whenever I start to consider coming out, like I have been thinking of recently. I will go about my life not thinking about it and wholly accepting that I'm gay, but when I consider coming out, I start worrying that maybe I'm straight. Here's the thing. Once I realized I was gay, I kind of stopped having crushes on girls. I would try to force female celebrity crushes (like I used to with male crushes) rather than them happening naturally like they used to. I would still think girls in real life were hot often, but that has petered a lot as time has gone by and rather than just unconsciously thinking girls are hot like I used to, I feel like maybe I even try to force that now (maybe I'm just not as hormonal now? Maybe being gay was just a "phase"? I hate that term, but I don't know what to think anymore). I think I still am attracted to girls, but it's not like it used to be where I couldn't tear my eyes away from them. Another thing that makes me wonder is because I hear a lot of people say they realized they were gay because they always wanted to be around their crush, and would wonder what it would be like to kiss them or hold their hands, or that when they see a hot person, they want to have sex with them. But I can't think of a time I've ever wanted to kiss a girl crush, wanted to have sex with them, or even wanted to be around them? I just like admiring from afar...creepy as that sounds. Maybe when I was like up to middle school age I would enjoy being around my crushes, and when I was really young I liked kissing my best friend...so could it have something to do with now having social anxiety or depression or something? Or just the fact that I've never had sex, so how could I want something I've never had? With guys, I can think of one time a few years ago where I was curious about kissing my guy friend, and one fantasy I had about having sex with this other guy (although I definitely tried fantasizing about my girl friends as well, but I don't know how genuine that was)...but I think maybe I just think about things like that with guys because I know I don't (or at least I *think* I don't) really, seriously want it so it's not as scary to think about? Versus with girls, I really WANT to want to have sex with them so I try to force it so much that I end up not wanting it? Or am I just making up excuses and I'm actually into guys? I don't think I notice male bodies very much though (I will occasionally find myself wanting to see a shirtless guy but not really in real life, just with celebrities lol)... Another thing that make me wonder if I *actually* like girls is a while ago I had this female online friend who I thought was really cool, smart, funny, pretty, and I totally thought I had a crush on her, and I would get happy whenever she would flirt with me. But when it turned out she liked me too and she started always talking to me in a sexual way (idk how else to phrase that), it kind of freaked me out and I lost interest...I don't know, maybe it's because by the time she liked me it was years down the line and I didn't feel comfortable with her anymore...or maybe it's because I was never fully myself with her...or because I knew she was always having sex with a million different girls/crushing on a ton at once...or am I just making excuses? I also at one point a few years ago thought I had a crush on my female friend. That was one of the only times I've thought I've had a crush on a person I actually *knew*, most of the rest were just admire-from-afar crushes. But looking back, I can see that upon actually talking to her and touching her (it was a platonic friendship but she was just generally physically affectionate) there weren't any actual feelings there at all, no spark or true desire to kiss her or anything. So now I wonder if /all/ my crushes haven't been actual crushes? At that point in my life though I was really struggling with anxiety and was fooling myself about, well, basically everything, like I had a bunch of shallow friendships with people I was actually really anxious around but I fooled myself into believing I was perfectly happy -- so maybe just that particular crush wasn't genuine? When it comes to guys, I don't think I could ever actually sleep with a guy. Or maybe I just don't WANT to want to, I don't know. The whole, big-strong-guy concept seems kind of hot...although even typing that made me cringe so maybe that's not my genuine feelings? It's kind of hard for me to imagine actually dating a girl though, even though I've long daydreamed about it...I've been only friends with girls for so long, and typically more of frenemy type friendships, so it's hard for me to imagine actually caring about, well anyone, or not just being mocked if I tried to display any sort of romantic affection...Or maybe I just don't truly like girls gah idk. Also despite my social anxiety I COULD try to date or something but I just...haven't...so I dont know what that means. Depressing but I sometimes will look at the girls on dating sites, and I'll find something wrong with every single one of them and never message anyone (mostly I'll assume they wouldn't like me) -- I think that's because of fear though? I'll sometimes (rarely) look at guys on there too though..and just try to pick the perfect one for me...so I'm not sure it's so much about attraction as some sort of obsessive enjoyment of finding the perfect match? I'm not sure if that even relates here, but yeah. In terms of fantasy...I often daydream about kissing girls, never boys, but it's almost always PDA where other people (not people I'm attracted to) are impressed or jealous...I know that's really sad but yeah that's what I think about (maybe it's more about social acceptance than anything sexual?). I don't really watch porn, but I do read smutty fanfic lol...and honestly guy/guy fanfic and guy/girl fanfic are the hottest to me...I really try to like girl/girl but it just seems boring and/or depressing...but maybe it's just depressing because I really actually want to be with a girl but just can't see it ever happening (because of social anxiety)? Or is that just another excuse...I don't know... In terms of masturbation (is there a less awkward way to phrase that?), I think of a wide variety of things...often not even involving myself, like I'll think of a guy and a girl having sex, or two guys having sex. I don't think the thought of two girls having sex is even very exciting to me. But I can also get off to the thought of me having sex with a guy, or with a girl. Maybe the thought of having sex with a guy is more just a kinky thing to me, not something I ever expect to actually do and that's why it's hotter to me? I don't know...I just wish I ticked all the "lesbian" boxes and that the idea of having sex with a girl seemed more exciting...Maybe I would like it if I actually did it and I'm just psyching myself out? Since I don't have any actual experience to draw from? Oh I should mention that in all cases, my fantasies are very rarely about any specific person, mostly they're just faceless entities, whether guy or girl (if that means anything). Another thing that's made me wonder whether I'm truly gay (and this might sound trivial or silly but is something that separates me from the typical lesbian experience and I wonder about), is that I hear lesbians say how much they love lesbian movies and how great it was when they saw their first piece lesbian media. On one hand I love lesbian media too, the representation makes me super happy, but I've never felt that magical spark from it like I do sometimes from straight movies -- that feeling like anything's possible -- even though I want to so badly. Maybe it's just because I've grown up in a society that romanticizes straight relationships more? Or am I just making up excuses? Another thing I've noticed is that I prefer heterosexual songs sung by men and that I identify with the man singing (even though I identify with the girls in movies, I think...well sometimes)...which makes me wonder if I could actually be trans (for more reasons than just that)..but that's a whole other story and not something I really believe about myself...but is something I wonder fairly often. I did come out as gay to a couple friends a while ago, but it didn't feel like a relief. I just felt really vulnerable and exposed. But maybe that's just because, like I said before, I was really socially anxious around those people? Or maybe I felt so uncomfortable because I'm not actually gay? OR maybe I'm actually just asexual and just like being closeted and not having to date boys OR girls? I really don't want to be asexual though... As for how I said I didn't want to be straight in an earlier post -- I've just considered myself gay for so long and it's become such a big part of my identity that I wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't true. It might sound sad but I've spent so much time, I don't know, watching lesbian movies, lesbian youtubers, reading gay articles in general and it's something that really feels like a community, and at this point is like a hobby, I can't imagine that being ripped away from me if I turned out to be straight (but I also wonder, if I'm straight then how come I'm SO interested in LGBT things? Isn't that a good indicator that I'm gay?). That's really the core of my fear and worry here, I think. Well that and the fear of coming out that's making me question myself. So anyway, that's the story -- what do you think my sexuality could be? Sorry this was SO rambly (I hope it even made sense), there were probably a few paragraphs I could have omitted, but like I said I struggle with OCD about fully explaining myself. If you made it this far, thanks for that lol
First and foremost: You don't have to apologize for making a long post, sexuality can be complicated and confusing so lots of people feel the need to explain every detail when trying to figure themselves out. ( If anything the problem lies with most members being too lazy busy to read and answer to long posts) The way you describe your attractions towards girls does sounds a lot like "lesbian" to me. The fact that you feel like your crushes felt "forced" after realizing your sexuality could simply be that, after being made aware of the fact , you did actively try to have crushes in order to fit the stereotype and find self validation. Being aware of attraction also makes you view it differently. There are obviously also the options of being pansexual but favoring girls due to being closer to them, asexual but still feeling a desire for a romantic relationship, straight but feeling like things might be "easier" with a woman, but again based on the description of both sexual and romantic attraction you've described I'd definitely say lesbian. ( Although it could be that you're viewing your memories and feelings selectively in order to be able to give yourself a clear answer though..since this is a "questioning" post and you do go back and forth I'd again say that this is unlikely) Like you , I suspect that the actual problem lies with social anxiety and depression. ( I had those things myself and can actually relate to a lot of what you're saying.) This explains your simultaneous desire for love while at the same time doing everything against making it an actual reality. It could also explain your crushes and your reaction to them: You convince yourself to be crushing on someone but turn them down if they're interested because truly you haven't crushed on them. You just needed the fantasy of happiness while realizing that the two of you aren't compatible in reality. You search for love because you want it but when you look at the profiles of those girls you have to convince yourself that it won't work anyway because your self worth, that dark hurtful voice that is depression, keeps telling you that no one could ever love you anyway. Your fantasy of kissing a girl in public also ties in with that ( and I'm ashamed to admit that I had those too.). If people were impressed or jealous it would improve your self worth - something you desperately need because depression won't let you give it to yourself. The question with that is simply: Do you want people to be impressed because you're a lesbian and that's so unusual and special or do you want them to be jealous because you're in a perfect relationship with someone that truly loves you. If it's the second one I'd say : Congrats, you're a lesbian. The idea of seeing the possibility of having sex with a guy as kinky but not undesired also fits. Again you get self worth from it. Same with liking gay pairings in fanfics , because they're usually portrayed as perfect love, something you want for yourself. Disliking girl / girl relationships is the opposite because it shows you a reality you can't achieve. Not liking lesbian media isn't an indicator of not being a lesbian: Lots of those movies are simply not as deep in their character portrayal and thus have less likable relationships. Just because it features lesbians, doesn't mean it's good. Feeling uncomfortable after coming out is something that you can-again- blame on social anxiety. Watching lots of LGBT media doesn't have to be an indicator of actually being LGBT , though curiosity for it can be. In conclusion: To me it does sound like you're a lesbian. But ultimately you're the only one who can know that, which means: If you feel like the label fits you and you just wanted some validation, here it is. If you still feel like it doesn't fit , don't feel pressured to change yourself in order to fit it, there's also nothing wrong with just identifying as questioning for a while. If being trans is something you see as even slightly possible I'd suggest you start a threat in that section to get some insight on your thoughts. Lastly it could help to work with a psychologist to try and overcome your issues, social anxiety is a bitch but it can be defeated, or at least bettered. (rereading this I realized that I projected my own experiences onto you at times, sorry for that. I'd also like to apologize for my horrible English grammar. I hope this post still helped a little bit.)
I can definitely relate to your story because it is like mine and it replicates it to a tee. I used to identify as bi but I knew in my heart that I was gay. I think what many of us are going through when first coming out is the heterosexism that is prominent throughout our culture. I dated a girl in high school and it was not the same as the relationship that I have with my current boyfriend. For me, it just took a combination of being in a relationship with another guy AND accepting that I am in that relationship if that makes sense. It also might just take time and I know that that is the last thing that you want to hear but it's true. I feel myself getting better every few weeks or so and I do not want to be normal exactly like you. However, I believe that the two most important things to do right now is be patient and try to date a girl and embrace the relationship that you have with her and see where that leads you. I hope this helped somewhat.
dagny, I just want to say you're taking a step in the right direction. At least you are searching for an answer. Reading all the above, I tend to think lesbian, but I think your own self-doubts, insecurities, inexperience and inner homophobia is causing conflict. Like the example with the online girl. It is a hard process to go through - figuring out your orientation when there are so many questions. A video someone posted here helped me a lot, maybe it will help you some. Are You Bisexual Keep posting and talking and thinking it all through. With time it will get figured out.
That's one really good video...hadn't known it. Thanks for sharing :icon_bigg @ dagny You should also remember that everyone's sexuality is different. Two lesbians probably aren't attracted towards the exact same thing and labels are something chosen for oneself, not something that needs approval from the sexuality police. Some bisexuals choose to identify as lesbians because they don't see themselves with a guy and that's fine because ultimately their label has to fit them. Just saying.
I'm not sure but maybe you're lesbian or a bisexual woman. I cannot determine my sexuality as well. I like my boyfriend but don't have desire to make love with him. Is it asexuality? I'm so confused now.
Just an encouraging thought about long posts. It might look rambling or wordy, but we all know that that amount of thought could flow through our minds in just a few minutes... and often does! Thanks for taking the time to give us enough info to (start to, hope to) help you.
Thanks everyone for the responses. Sorry I took so long to answer back, I've just been trying not to worry so much about my sexuality so I've been avoiding looking back at this (and also I was a little embarrassed for putting so much out there lol). I'm not good at responding people and thanking them without it coming across awkwardly but I just wanted to say thanks to Cinis for taking the time to read all this and respond considerately and in detail to pretty much all my points. A lot of the stuff you said makes a lot of sense, and it was interesting to hear an outsider's perspective and be like "huh maybe that's true about me." Also you picked up on some stuff that is definitely true but that I didn't outright say in my post. Also just overall I found this post reassuring, now I feel like I can calm down on the questioning and worrying because yeah I'm probably gay. This makes a lot of sense and is reassuring! I'm glad you picked up on this because I was worrying about this too, but I actually tried to be balanced in this post and I might have even exaggerated my attractions to guys to avoid being biased since I think I'm gay. But yeah that's definitely possible. Okay good, I'm glad it makes sense to other people that that could be the reason. That's a relief! It's definitley the latter, completely to a T. coming across as unique and special due to be gay is something that's never even really occured to me. So the "congrats" bit is really reassuirng haha. I don't know, I find it hot though so it's beyond just perfect love, so that's something that still makes me wonder a little. But after reading all these posts I really feel like I can calm down on wondering so much. Okay glad to know the social anxiety reason makes sense and that it's not just because i'm not actually gay or something. Thank you! I'm glad the lesbian-but-insecurities-causing-conflict idea makes sense to others. I'll definitely check out the video. I love the sexuality police bit, I hadn't even realized that that was something I worried about but that makes a lot of sense! So anyway, thanks everyone
