Hi everyone, I've been lurking on here for a while. even before I made this account. I (21m) was going to make a post when I first joined but I panicked out of it. I'm pretty sure that I am gay, but I would like to hear others thoughts on it. So for a little background on myself. When I was growing up I didn't feel anything really for either sex. I just assumed I was straight because that's what everyone around me was. I went to a small school (my graduating class was only 88 people), I never really had a crush. There was a girl that I liked, but it was really just an admiration of her because we grew up together and she was always nice to me. Nothing towards guys then, but that was the extent of my attractions in High School. I thought that was normal, and when I'd see the right girl I would know because I would feel it. After High School I started to fantasize about guys. It just came out of the aether. I would fantasize about women but not as strong as men. I thought that was weird and it scared me a bit so just didn't think about it for a while. Then something just clicked and I had a thought of "what if im gay?" and I decided to test myself. I looked at porn for the first time of my life at 20yrs old. I first looked at gay porn and felt like a rush. It was hard to describe, almost like a high or something. Then I looked at straight porn and felt nothing just disinterest. I then had a small panic attack that I'm probably gay, but I rationalized it away that i'm just bi and no one would have to know (my family is homophobic, so i have no one to talk to in person). So I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but I feel like I'm not supposed to be. That I should be straight. I keep switching back and forth. Some days I'm like "yep I'm gay" then other days I'm confused again. Thanks for taking the time to read through my rambling. I really like this forum, it's pretty cool.
Hi there. Knowing yourself can be a very confusing and challenging issue, especially when you're questioning. I feel it's best to focus on feelings first then labels, unless a label is very important for you to have. Take the time to figure out what you like and dislike. That being sad, it is perfectly okay to be gay or any other orientation! You don't have to be straight, even if most everyone you know is. Most everyone I knew for a long time was too and it made me feel that way. That being said, heteronormitivity often makes us feel like we 'have' be be straight since we are venturing outside of the 'norm'. Just be you, straight, or not. Whatever you decide is great, and you are great just how you are. It's good that you are thinking about it. Figuring out who you are is a great thing. Best of luck to you. ---------- Post added 29th Dec 2016 at 10:11 PM ---------- *that being said
When I was questioning my sexuality I too tried to use porn to help determine who I was sexually attracted to, but I find porn so boring/ unsexy that if I was going off porn alone I'd label myself asexual! Plus, some straight girls get turned on by lesbian porn, and I'm sure some straight guys get turned on by gay porn. Porn is supposed to turn people on, that's what it's made for. So I don't think using it to figure out your sexuality is the most scientific method :icon_wink When it comes to determining your orientation, you can take into account your romantic as well as sexual orientation. If we take the porn experiment at face value, it sounds as though you *might* be gay (and as the previous poster said, there's nothing wrong with that! I think denial is a stage a lot of us go through thanks to this heterosexist world), but let's not rule out the possibility that you could be bi in some way. Ignoring the sex aspect of relationships for now, do you think it would be possible for you to fall in love with a woman? How about a man?
First thing's first, there is no sexual orientation that people "should" be; if you're gay then that's totally fine. Likewise, it's ok for anybody to be bisexual, pansexual or asexual -- you name it. There's one thing that should be clarified before we can get to the bottom of this. You mentioned having some doubts that you're gay; what's the reason for this? Is it because you sometimes feel attraction towards girls as well? In that case you may be bi. I noticed that you mentioned fantasising about women, "but not as strong as men". Keep in mind that in order to be bisexual, you don't need to be equally attracted to either gender. On the other hand, are you doubting yourself because you aren't attracted to all guys? That's pretty normal, you can't be turned on by everyone. Porn isn't the best indicator of a person's sexuality. Some straight people are only turned on by gay porn without feeling anything towards straight porn, and vice-versa. Also it leaves out romantic orientation, which plays a pretty big part in determining a person's sexuality. IceCream made a good point, especially when she asked whether or not you could fall in love with either gender, male or female.
Hey Strix Varia, What you are going through is perfectly normal. Growing up in a heteronormative society, it can be hard to make the mental leap that we are not heterosexual. And when we truly realize and understand that we can’t change this about ourselves, it can lead to a feeling of despair. It can be a long journey for each of us to come to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality. Only you can ever truly know your own sexuality. But something that might help is for you to listen to your own body. As AnAtypicalGuy said, porn is a very poor indicator of sexual orientation. Can you imagine yourself in a long-term, satisfying relationship with a woman? Can you imagine yourself in a long-term, satisfying relationship with a man? What gets you romantically and sexually excited? When you masturbate without pornography (porn is a very poor indicator of sexual orientation), do you fantasize about women? About men? About both women and men? Does some of that help?
Thanks for the replies everyone I really appreciate it. Sorry for not being able to reply earlier I had to go to work. @IceCream I believe that I may be able to love a women, but right now I'm just afraid that if I do get into a relationship with a woman and if I'm actually gay I'd just hurt her and I don't want to do that. And I can see myself being in love with a man. @AnAtypicalGuy I grew up in a religious house (Pentecostal, if that helps) So it was pretty much drilled into my head that being gay is wrong and sinful. Plus my family speaks negatively about my cousin whose a lesbian. So that makes it hard to process this because I can't talk in person to anyone I know. I do find some girls cute, that's why I'm confused I think. Honestly I haven't fantasized about women In a while(like a few months at least). I always thought when growing up how eventually I would have a wife and kids and all that, but now that life seems to be impossible to have if that makes sense. @Quantumreality Like I was saying to IceCream I'm afraid of hurting her if I was in a relationship with a woman, but I suppose it's still possible. I definitely can see being with a man. I do get excited when I think about being with a man, romantically and sexually. I kind of get excited thinking about being in a relationship with a woman, but it's not very strong. I'm just not sure if I am thinking about women because that's what I was raised to do.When I masturbate w/o porn I generally think of men. Once in a blue moon I'll think of women. And yeah this does help. Its getting me to actually think more about it, writing it out, that is. Maybe I'm bi but lean towards gay? I'm still unsure, thanks for talking to me.
You can always decide to tell her that you are still questioning your sexuality to a certain degree, before things get past the point when you feel you'd be hurting her. That is if you yourself don't feel more clearly one way or another by that time. Let her know. Give her a choice if she wants to take the gamble on it or not, don't take this decision in her name. Just my two cents ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2016 at 10:06 PM ---------- Otherwise the anxiety caused by the fact that you are hiding this will likely sabotage the potential relationship.
I suppose so, I just don't know how I would approach it lol. I'm not exactly experienced in dating or asking someone out.
I gotta say, Strix Varia, if you are honest and upfront you won't really be hurting her. As WarmEmbrace said, if you are still questioning your sexuality, then you are still questioning. And, frankly, even if you just find her to be a good, close friend then how would you be hurting her? Perhaps by taking some time that she could be spending on a bf who might actually be a compatible mate? Maybe, but good friends are extremely valuable, too. I'd say that you shouldn't worry about hurting her so much as you should be worried about trying to understand your own sexuality. If your relationship with her feels right, then go with it. However, from what you said, it seems like you are more likely gay or at least bi with a strong homosexual preference (like myself). That doesn't mean you should stop anything. Continue to explore. (A true bi guy will love whomever he falls in love with. Even if you tend towards men, a woman who 'connects' will make all the difference in terms of being 'the one' for a long-term relationship or potential marriage.) When I was in college I ignored all advances from guys because I just couldn't even think that I might be gay. I also didn't seek out relationships with women because I was so confused about my sexuality. But I had two women, both of whom I was attracted to, who took the initiative and pursued me. I turned them both down because I thought it wasn't fair, since I was so unsure of my own sexuality - much like you describe. In retrospect, I'm sorry that I didn't pursue a relationship with at least one of them. Heck, who knows. Perhaps I could be happily married to one of them today. My loss. Just some thoughts.
I think Quantumreality's advice is pretty much spot on, so I haven't got much else to add, except that you're doing yourself no good by worrying about hurting your hypothetical future girlfriend! Cross that bridge if and when it comes. For now, I'd say you just need to try and relax (easier said than done, I know :lol: ). If you fall in love with a girl, you fall in love with a girl. If it's a guy, it's a guy. Who knows what will happen in the future!
@Quantumreality Thanks for the advice, it' pretty reassuring hearing from someone whose had a similar experience. @IceCream I'll try to relax!, I just get high strung sometimes. I guess if the opportunity presents itself with with anyone guy or girl I'll just be honest and hope for the best.
Bottom-line, Strix Varia, you just have to be yourself and go with the flow. Go where your heart and body lead you, but try to do it with conscious fore-thought. Don't prejudge, just accept your attractions. Heck, sometimes it seems like those to whom we are most attracted don't even like us back enough to give us a chance. Their loss in the longrun. But we all have to deal with that. Just don't limit yourself.
Adding on to the above points, it may help you to know that it's quite common for people to experiment with different types of relationships (even straight people can experiment with same-sex interactions) so it shouldn't come across as too strange if you do the same. In my opinion, experimentation is one of the best ways to determine your sexuality, for obvious reasons. Having said that, sometimes it's better to wait for an opportunity to come rather than force one upon yourself. That is how most good relationships start after all. Don't try to force yourself into feeling things that aren't there, and also don't try to block out any feelings that you do experience; just let them all come through.
Welcome! You've gotten some great insights so far. Here's some more to think about. First, I admire your courage for taking the bull by the horns and directly confronting what you're feeling. That's probably the hardest task... opening the door to exploring yourself, not knowing what might be on the other side. I think every person who's ever been in your shoes, particularly with the religious homophobia you've grown up with, has anxiety and resistance when they first consider they might not be straight. That's totally normal. So now that you've started that exploration, it's worthwhile to understand how we process, in your case, the loss of being straight. There are stages we go through -- denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance -- on that path, and the stages aren't sequential, so we can go from understanding and accepting, back in to denial, and so forth. If I were to guess -- and it is just a guess -- I'd lean in the direction that you are gay and not bi. Almost certainly not what you want to hear. But here's what I hear: -- You get a lot more excited, aroused, and attracted thinking about guys than thinking about girls. -- You can imagine yourself in a relationship with a guy, and that sounds exciting and fun, but a relationship with a girl doesn't sound nearly as fun. -- You're masturbating to, and fantasizing about, almost exclusively guys. When you look objectively at the above, it's pretty hard to make a credible case you're bisexual... at least, not bisexual as an even split. You sound far more attracted to men. Now... keep in mind that what you're describing is the textbook classic example of someone who is in the bargaining stage... "OK, I acknowledge that I like guys, but I could still end up with a girl in the end." It's grasping on to what is, but trying to find a way to keep the door open to what was. Add on all the messages of non-acceptance, homophobia, judgment and rejection that you are getting from your own family, not to mention the messages that you get every day from the media, religion, politics, and so forth... and it makes lots of sense why you would want to do everything possible to *not* be gay. I think most everyone who goes through the coming out process experiences that. Now... all of this said, my opinion and $4 will buy you a cup of Starbucks. That's about it. This is something you have to think about, "try on" and see how it fits. I wouldn't be surprised if simply reading this post creates anxiety for you. (That's not my intent, but it's often the effect, when we are confronted with information that can have the effect of piercing through denial.) And it's OK to feel anxiety. It's OK to take your time to figure this out. It's OK to not know for a while. It's OK to feel shitty and guilty and shameful after orgasm if you were thinking about guys. It's OK to think one thing one day and something else the next. All are part of the coming out process for many if not most people. What matters is that, at the end of the day, you are happy. So whatever it takes -- whomever you end up with -- whatever sexual orientation you settle with as the one that feels right for you -- That's what matters. I think if you stick around EC and talk more about what you're feeling, read some more, and just take your time, things will become clearer for you.
@AnAtypicalGuy I do think that experimenting would clear things up for me, but I get nervous with things like that really easy. I may try something if the opportunity presents itself, but most likely nothing beyond kissing. Anything more would probably be too much for me to handle right now if I'm honest with myself. @Chip Yeah your post did make me a little anxious, and I do see how it looks like I am gay and not bi. I guess time will tell. trying to be at peace with this is hard for me right now. I'll definitely stick around the site to learn more, and maybe help others later. Thanks
