I've been recently thinking that I'm probably lesbian (masturbatory fantasies since early teens about 99% lesbians). I recently met a woman and we had sex twice and it was awesome (I think the best sex I've ever had--I'm in my 40s, was married to a man, and have dated primarily men before but "experimented" with women in college and grad school). But then last night I met another woman, and while I found her sort of physically attractive and I liked the flirting and the kissing, I found that I didn't really enjoy the sex later and wanted it to stop, but at the same time I felt like I should try and see what it was like and also, if I were really a lesbian, I would like this. Also, I think there was something in me to try to prove to the other women that I was actually a lesbian (she knows that I was married to a guy and dated primarily guys before). TMI alert: Frankly, I wanted to go down on her initially (performing oral sex on women is one of my primary fantasies) and I did, but she didn't smell down there good to me, so then I lost interest in going down on her. But then she was very aggressive and begged me to go down on her and then sat on my face. Looking back, I probably should have stopped, but again, I felt like as someone newly out this is something I should try or I felt the need to prove myself as a lesbian. Then afterwards I started thinking that maybe going down on a woman IRL is disgusting (though I've fantasized about it thousands of times) and then I thought maybe she has an infection down there and started feeling paranoid that I caught something from her. Thoughts? This morning I started thinking that I want more emotional intimacy with a woman before having sex, and I would have been fine last night just kissing and keeping everything above the belt. But everyone woman I've met so far online (she is the third) has been very aggressive and pretty much wanted sex the first night of meeting. What are other people's experiences with lesbian dating? I also started to miss the other woman that I had amazing sex with (she is traveling on vacation now). Also, I am concerned that maybe I enjoyed sex with her because of the novelty of it but then after awhile I won't. This is something that made me question whether I was lesbian in my 20s: With a couple of women the sex was great in the beginning but after awhile didn't really do it for me, so then I thought, I might as well go straight and have all the societal advantages of that. Sometimes sex with men was enjoyable (like if the guy was really into me), but I could never really orgasm (had to imagine myself with a woman or look at lesbian porn), but most of the time it was just tolerable or something I felt like I needed to do to keep the guy and never as good as one of my first experiences with a woman. Thoughts?
Well being a lesbian doesn't mean you're going to like having sex with any woman. I understand how this is confusing though, I didn't realize it but when I was coming out to myself, I would think 'oh i can't be gay because I am not getting turned on by every single guy I look at! Like you said, you really enjoyed the first woman. If you weren't bi or lesbian you wouldn't have. 'wrong' smells can be a huge turnoff too.
Several points - Why would you expect to like every woman if you are lesbian? Did you like every man? Even when I was in delusional denial as being straight, I didn't want every man. I am not attracted to every woman. I have a type. Most people have a type. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself to say I must like or be attracted to all to be... insert orientation. As for the sex on first night/date - why would you if it is not what you want to do? No matter your orientation, don't do what you don't want and never allow someone to make you feel pressured otherwise. Simply if you are not wanting one night stands or sex on a first date and they pressure you, then they aren't right for you anyways. Maybe stop the online thing and goe to local meetups. From what everyone here has said, you can make some great friends at them. Sounds like that is where you are wanting to start. As for smells, I am not that experienced, but enough to know just as males all have their own unique scent, so do females. Either way, I would suggest not having sex with anyone without protection. The do make female condoms for a reason. I think you're biggest issue you have is putting so much pressure on yourself to get this figured out and done - now. I know the feeling all to well, and would probably be going through the same if I weren't currently married and had a child at home. So my suggestion is to Stop. Breathe. Get to really know yourself emotionally and physically. Take more baby steps such as meetups for friendship only. Then advance at the pace that is comfortable.
You dont have to prove anything to yourself, that woman was really in the wrong for doing that and being so aggressive. Listen, just take your time and get to know someone if it takes months then so be it. The right woman for you will go at your pace and wont pressurize you to do things you dont want to do. Tell them from the start you are after friendship and see where it goes. Its possible she had an infection or wasnt very hygenic,. you could always go to the GUM clinic for a check if you are worried. I dont know about the USA but here its free and they will see you on a drop in basis.
Gay =/= Enjoys sex with every single person of the same sex in existence. Obviously straight people have crappy sex with the opposite sex every day. Why are gay people different?
Thanks, everyone. I think I was a little traumatized by the experience but am chalking it up to a good learning experience. In general, I think I need to be more assertive in my life.
