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Questioning Myself - Looking for advice and discussion

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jarrett14, Jan 1, 2017.

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  1. jarrett14

    jarrett14
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    Hey all,
    So I'm new here and not sure if I'm posting this right but we'll see. Anyways, I am just questioning my sexual orientation and am seeking help and advice. I am a male junior in college and have been noticing myself checking out guys since maybe my sophomore year of high school. The thing is, it isn't guys my age, I am not attracted to them at all, but mostly older guys like some teachers, friend's dads, and older guys at the gym, anywhere from maybe 40-60. I am more attracted to girls my age, but can't really see myself having sex with them and I never feel completely comfortable talking with girls. I tried having intercourse with a girl recently to try and see if I could, but I couldn't get it up fully. I was drunk and maybe that played into it, but I still think I wouldn't get it up all the way even if sober. If anything, the alcohol helped.
    So while I like looking at guys better and sometimes watch guy on guy porn, I can't see myself having intercourse with a male either. The actual thought of doing anything with one grosses me out and I am not into that, I just enjoy watching it and enjoy their bodies, not any sexual acts. I definitely have a sex drive, and watch porn pretty often, but I think the actual act of sex I think of as naughty and dirty and I don't see myself ever really enjoying it.
    I don't feel quite ready to talk to someone I know about this because I have this fear of rejection. I don't want to be known as "the gay friend" or "the asexual friend" or anything like that, I just want to have a normal relationship and normal life. I dream of having a wife and kids and always have, and used to have a distinct interest in only women until roughly my sophomore year of high school, once I fully hit puberty I'd say. Anyways, I am looking for help to see what some other people think I am... because I am really unsure. I could be anywhere from straight with an interest in guys to gay to asexual and it's been taking a toll on me and I want to figure this out and am wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar. Thank you in advance and I'm excited to finally hear some feedback on this thing I've been bottling up for a while now.
     
    #1 jarrett14, Jan 1, 2017
  2. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Hey Jarrett,

    Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    What you are feeling is completely normal. We each journey to understand and accept our sexuality on our own timeline.

    What makes you think that you might be gay? The fact that you might have performance anxiety with women? Being uncomfortable around women? The fact that you are ‘checking out’ older men?

    Do you think that your perception of sex as naughty and dirty might come from your upbringing? Religious and/or cultural influences? Could that perception be what is hindering you in your relationships with women?

    Just some thoughts.
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Jan 2, 2017
  3. jarrett14

    jarrett14
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    Hi, thanks for answering.
    To answer your questions, I would say I think I think I may be gay because I am ultimately attracted to older males more so than I am to any other gender and age. I can talk to girls, but anytime I have one on one time with them I feel extremely uncomfortable and intentionally try to "mess up" or play dumb and avoid obvious signals to avoid any sexual acts for fear of not being able to perform. I think this may be why I think of sex as naughty, as I am simply just scared to do it and not ready to face the fact that I am gay or bi and I may not be able to have the stereotypical wife and kids thing. I wouldn't say my fear of sex has anything to do with any religious or cultural upbringings, but maybe just fear of the truth.
     
    #3 jarrett14, Jan 2, 2017
  4. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Hey Jarrett,

    What do you mean by attracted to older males? Do you mean romantically and/or sexually attracted to them? Or attracted to them as a father figure? (I'm just asking, not judging. There are quite a few younger gay guys who are attracted to older guys.)

    Fair enough. Maybe your concerns aren't tied to religious or cultural upbringings, but you simply have some type of performance anxiety. A lot of guys are shy around girls. And if you are concerned that you wouldn't be able to perform sexually with a woman - if a relationship when to that level - it's understandable that that would increase your anxiety in even interacting with women that you might find attractive.

    Also, as you point out, you might simply be in denial about your sexuality. Even if you didn't have any specific religious or cultural inhibitions during your upbringing, we live in a heteronormative society where people are automatically 'expected' to be heterosexual and live a 'normal' life with a family and children. It can be very difficult to deal with realizing that your sexuality may not conform to the majority of the society that we live in.

    To that end, a good way to help you figure out your sexuality is to ask yourself some questions. Can you imagine yourself in a romantic relationship with a woman? With a man? With both men and women? When you masturbate without pornography, do you fantasize about women? About men? About men and women?

    I don't know if any of this helps you...
     
    #4 Quantumreality, Jan 2, 2017
  5. jarrett14

    jarrett14
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    Lol still new and trying to quote your questions but can't figure it out. I would say I am sexually attracted to older males. I can see myself kissing, grabbing/squeezing, and licking above the belt with them, but not much else.
    I do not think the role of a father figure plays into it. I have a great relationship with my dad and feel no physical attraction to him.
    I feel like your point of me being scared to accept my truth is a good one. I feel the pressure of the world to be heterosexual and I may be clinging on to any hope that I could be straight and blind to the actual truth. That's why I'm here to see if there are any obvious signs I have in the things I say that I am not ready to see but others may.
    Without porn, I would say I fantasize about men. I appreciate the beauty of a women and know they are attractive, but cant "get myself off to it" for lack of better terminology.
    And yes, you are being of great help. I really appreciate you talking through this with me :slight_smile:
     
    #5 jarrett14, Jan 2, 2017
  6. jarrett14

    jarrett14
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    I am still looking for advice, help, or anyone with a similar situation and what ultimately happened to you. Please reach out. This site is a tremendous idea as I am not ready to talk about this in person to people I know and who also have no idea what it is like to go through something like this. I am unsure of where else to turn.
     
    #6 jarrett14, Jan 2, 2017
  7. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Hey Jarrett,

    We each journey to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality in our own time. For some of us that can be a slow process.

    From what you write, it seems that your romantic and sexual attractions are towards men, but you are still having trouble accepting the idea of really doing anything sexual with them.

    Have you considered finding a professional therapist? They could help you understand you feelings much more directly. Certified therapists also have to keep whatever you tell them confidential (other than if you indicate that you are in imminent danger of committing suicide or murder), so you wouldn't have to worry about anyone else finding out.

    Just some thoughts.
     
    #7 Quantumreality, Jan 3, 2017
  8. jadey95

    jadey95
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    I understand your concern about the pressure of being straight and feeling like you might actually be straight. What matters is being yourself. If you decide later on that you might be straight, that is fine. But, if you truly feel you are gay or bi, that is great. Learning not to be pressured to have the stereotypical wife and kids can be tough, but you can't let others pressure you into doing things. To find true happiness, you gotta be yourself. Suppressing yourself will lead to suppressed feelings, which can do far for harm than good. You are not the token 'gay friend' or the 'asexual friend', you are you. And anybody who doesn't see you just for you isn't seeing you in the light you deserve.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2017 at 12:05 PM ----------

    I also agree with everything quantumreality has said, and definitely agree that you may benefit from something like therapy to help sort and understand your feelings.
     
    #8 jadey95, Jan 3, 2017
  9. jarrett14

    jarrett14
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    A therapist may be a good idea. I have debated on it but never really act on it just for sake of time, but you're right, I need to make time to get my feelings out and ultimately hopefully lead to happiness.
     
    #9 jarrett14, Jan 3, 2017
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