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Only questioning now at 24...?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by warioisrad, Jan 1, 2017.

  1. warioisrad

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    Hey, i've come here looking for a little bit of advice and support.

    Over the past, not sure, couple months or so? I've been been getting growing, more frequent 'oh boy I think I might be a whole lot less straight than I thought I was...' but I'm the type to just always doubt myself, which has probably made this 'questioning' process a lot longer and more frustrating than I'd like. I very badly want to get to the bottom of this, maybe move on! next step! its such a pain! lol, hope I haven't become too incoherent here, just want to get everything off my chest.

    I always thought this sort of thing was supposed to be obvious. Something should have just clicked when I was younger, maybe a teenager, right? But I'm 24, and very unsure. I think I might be bi or pansexual, but I don't want to jump to conclusions! I don't want to like... lie about something like that, that'd be pretty weird, right?

    I don't know how it began exactly, but started thinking about dating and/or being sexual with guys, and it it started at 'hey, not necessarily and turn off, huh', into more actual physical and emotional feelings? Maybe started looking back at thoughts that were weird in retrospect, like 'I think this guy is attractive, but it sure is a shame Im Not Gay' and 'haha, I would totally be into these specific dudes, y'know, as a very straight person joke' and maybe things started adding up? Started to notice I don't differentiate as much as I thought I would in terms of the porn? (tmi?)

    Okay, I have somewhere to start at least- very confident I'm attracted to women, in a lovely long term relationship with one now. (I trust her a lot, feel a bit guilty not confiding in her first! But hey, I guess I wanna sort out my feelings a bit more before really roping in anyone from my personal life)

    And part of my doubts is that I am pretty confident I would, in most instances, pick women over men? Maybe because its what I'm used to, maybe because I feel a bit more trusting around women? Like, in general, I think I'd be pickier with guys. And I don't know- that seems pretty straight? What does that preference mean?

    Also, things like, having never been with a guy, or, not feeling attraction to every single guy, as silly as that sounds, makes me doubt myself. And, I don't know how being in a heterosexual relationship effects this- is it weird to peruse this if it doesn't matter in a romantic way? I still feel the desire to know myself more...

    Would love to hear from anyone, but especially people who may have been through similar stuff!

    Sorry for making you read all this junk!
     
  2. Chip

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    Welcome! Lots of people have been in your situation.

    One of the best ways to explore where your desires and arousal is strongest is by masturbating without porn, and, in alternate sessions, think about guys, and then about girls, and then... letting your mind wander and simply seeing what fantasies come up.

    The catch here is... most of us have a desired outcome... nobody wants to be gay. So if we do find ourselves being aroused by thinking about same-sex experiences, often the first response after orgasm is one of revulsion or disgust.

    The issues of picking girls over guys because you feel more trusting, or because you'd be pickier about guys have more to do with conscious thought and less to do with attraction and arousal, which are hardwired. And, of course, given the previous paragraph... our mind will play tricks on us.

    In general, guys who are completely straight generally think, at some point "Am I gay" and about 30 seconds later go "Nope, nothing about that remotely appeals to me." So usually if it's something you're thinking about... it's likely you're somewhere on the spectrum.

    But first and foremost, the masturbation experiment usually helps clarify things a bit. If you're used to always using porn, it may take a few days to be able to orgasm simply from fantasy, but it's a worthwhile endeavor both in terms of helping you clarify your feelings but also in developing your ability to fantasize, which can improve your sexual experiences regardless of whether it's with guys or girls.
     
  3. warioisrad

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    Thanks for the advice, I'll try that sometime, and keep what you've said in mind going forward. Being on here and seeing I'm not alone in uncertainty itself is nice.
     
  4. jadey95

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    There's no wrong or right time to discover who you are! I am in a long term relationship as well and I didn't say anything until we had been together about two years that I am bi. I have only been with men, so it also made me question if I truly was bi. So, yes, if you decide you are bi despite being in this long term relationship, then you truly are so! Remember that being bi means liking more than one gender, so you're valid relationship or not!

    And if you're concerned about saying anything to your partner, despite being with them for so long, just remember it's okay if you're not sure. Decide when is the right time for you. And it's okay to say something if you're still questioning and haven't decided yet if you're bi or not.

    I agree with Chips advice greatly. That kind of was the process I used since I was unable to try being with other genders due to my relationship.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2017 at 05:50 PM ----------

    But, as a side note, I definitely relate to not feeling 'bi enough'. Whether it's just a small atrraction to men, or a large one, it's valid!
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    I didn't start questioning till 25! I thought the same thing, "really? Just now? At this age?" So, it happens, and these boards are full of others who have gone through the same thing.

    I'm really into androgynous women. Everyone's got a type!
     
  6. warioisrad

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    Thank you both so much for your replies! This made me feel so nervous and weird at first, like, I was doing it wrong somehow? But its so wonderful to read these, and relate with you very kind people! At the risk sounding too cutesy about this: makes me feel warm and fuzzy!

    I can't exactly say what it is but something about "Whether it's just a small attraction to men, or a large one, it's valid!" makes me like... breathe this sigh of relief.

    I think part of bein' picky about men could even be since growing up I had a lot of 'friendships' where I say treated badly/ pushed around/ bullied by guys, I've become more careful and take more time to get to know dudes before I open up, compared to women. Could that relate to these feelings and preferences?

    I mean, if I have a type its definitely soft sweet sensitive guys!
     
  7. jadey95

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    Glad to help :slight_smile: Aw, that's great it made you feel nice. Yes, I believe our experiences with men or women can shape our attractions towards them. I have also dealt with a lot of bad experiences towards men, so I think that's why I also lean towards women and nonbinary genders, moreso despite having a boyfriend.