Hello, I am a 19 year old male who identifies as bisexual; it took me 7 years of confusion and not knowing what I am to determine what I believe I am today, and the last few months I've learned more about myself but also new questions have surfaced. A bit of background, I grew up not really feeling the usual "off" feeling most gay people have when they are younger, and I never really questioned my sexuality until other people questioned me. I had a "girlfriend" in elementary school and I remember being genuinely attracted to her and I continued to have crushes on girls even into high school as I doubted my sexuality more and more. I noticed because I was less masculine than the average straight guy, people began to ask me in middle school if I was gay and I remember the shift in my mind for the first time, "what if I'm gay? Other people see it so maybe I am gay". Following that I began to additionally find guys attractive, albeit they were strangers and i did not have any crushes on my male friends and I still to this day have not had a crush on a male friend, all have been strangers that I found physically attractive. So with my continuing attraction to girls, with romantic attraction being stronger than physical, and my attraction towards guys physically, I began to accept the fact that I'm bisexual. Most people would say, "oh you're probably not bi, you're just gay and you'll eventually develop romantic feelings towards guys too and you'll forget about girls". I believed them until I put my body to the test. I was at a party and an extremely attractive girl pulled me into another room and we began to makeout and I was definitely turned by this, confirming my sexual attraction towards girls. Also, I began to put myself to the test with guys by getting my first boyfriend and I eventually broke up with him because I could not be with him because my feelings came and went with him, depending if I was having a "gay" or "straight" day as I began to call them. This led me to believe that maybe my bisexuality isn't fixed, but rather really fluid, which would make it difficult for me to satisfied with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Whichever gender I was currently with, I desired the one I didn't have. After diving into the gay hookup culture I found that I kinda enjoyed it at first, but after awhile it got boring and I found myself increasingly becoming bored with these sexual interactions (still a virgin btw) and I noticed me faking enjoyment. I also only desired to receive oral sex from these guys and after giving oral a few times I increasingly hated doing it and now I completely refrain from the action. After I left the hookup scene I started looking for a boyfriend again to test if I could be emotionally attracted to guys, and surprisingly I developed feelings for two different guys at different times, but I found myself not desiring sexual interactions with either of them, but I wanted to date them and show them off in public. I still currently want an idyllic gay relationship, but maybe for the reason that it is "cute" and "trendy", which is entirely the wrong reason. I'm very shocked by this shift from total physical attraction and 0 emotional attraction to guys towards total emotional attraction and 0 sexual attraction. I still have yet to experience a true sexual interaction with a girl because hooking up with women is much less accessible due to the presence of gay online apps for hooking up. However, I still can see myself being attracted to a woman in a monogamous relationship for many years. Basically, I wonder if I've been told that I must be anything but straight my entire life and that if you keep telling a person something that they'll begin to believe it. I wonder if I've almost tricked myself into believing I like guys, especially with the recent lack of sexual attraction towards them. Any thoughts or advice? Thank you so much for taking the time to read this if you've read through it all
The one thing that really stands out in what you've written here is the strong focus on what other people think and feel. Unless you have no sense of personal thought than you probably aren't a straight guy that got brainwashed. Maybe you're bisexual, maybe you're gay but at this point it really doesn't matter. I would suggest that you find access to some counselling or therapy to help you better understand yourself and your sexuality. The gender or personality or appearance of a future partner is completely up to you and should be about the happiness you can achieve together. It doesn't matter what other people think because building successful relationships is complicated enough without uninvolved people sticking their opinions in the mix. Even if nobody else is getting involved, you appear to have a an excessive concern for what you think other people expect of you, regardless of the origin. Do you think perhaps you might be trying too hard to be the person you think others want you be, rather than just trying to be work out who you really are?
I think he talked fairly clearly about what he personally feels. I feel like I'm in a fairly similar, though more self inflicted, situation. Unfortunately I'm still trying to sort things out for myself so I don't really have any advice. I think finding a girlfriend could be enlightening, but easier said than done. Good luck.
