If you had to guess...

I have written this a few times and deleted it a few times. Mostly because it's always so long. I totally know no one can really answer this question but that's why it's a game of if you had to guess! Bare with me bc I tend to get too detailed and too honest.

Just a little background.. I'm 22, grew up in a small town, big Catholic family, and pretty conservative parents. Being gay never seemed like an option. More like something that happened to other people lol I'm pretty sure my exact thoughts were that I'm not that special.. my family is not homophobic, not my siblings at least and I'd more say my parents aren't homofriendly. I do have a gay uncle (dads brother) but my family is not his biggest fan, not bc he's gay but my dad does make jokes about it. They don't support gay marriage, they're even weird about adoption and in vitro fertilization. Growing up it was an unnatural thing and I honestly didn't know women could be together. Then when I did probably in middle school it was characterized in an ugly way so my whole point is it doesn't surprise me I didn't think I could possibly be with a woman. My mom was very open about how a hetero relationship worked and sex at a young age (8, yeah she's weird) so I suppose I wonder if because I had such a vivid description of how my life should look that I never thought to question it.

I always had one really close best girl friend in school, but I never thought I had crushes on them until recently. My family always told me I expected too much from my friends or held them to a really high standard. In reality I was probably jealous and heart broken when they found a new bestie or were too caught up in their boyfriend. However, I still wonder if I just make this all up in my head (literally to sound cool, but also the idea of telling my mother sounds soooo uncool so probably not)

My first kiss (13) was technically with a girl as a dare to impress boys (I'm a cliché in more ways than one don't worry). I remember telling myself not to move my lips or they'll think I'm a lesbian, lmfao my nickname was already rainbow Lizride: Still didn't think I liked girls after that tho. I had one boyfriend I'll count in middle school and when it started to be kissing time I broke up with him, thinking with this experience I could find someone better (terrible logic) I don't remember any real crushes between then and 16. I definitely thought boys were attractive, and I might like them for a little but as soon as I'd talk to them I'd lose all interest.

So at 16 I had my first kiss (with a boy and my lips moved lol) which I hated. He was sloppy but we were kids so I don't hold it against the poor guy. I practiced with him for a few days and then disappeared... Also had the weirdest encounter that year with a very gorgeous and popular boy from school. I don't remember if I liked kissing him, but I do remember that touching his manly parts creeped me out and I pedal biked away soon after lost my virginity that year as well in a less than ideal way. The guy dumped me right afterwards but I was not hurt at all. Like not even a little. He said some bs about how he didn't feel a strong enough connection (I didn't sleep with him very much lol) and I just felt like yeah me too. I tried to sleep with another bf later in order to feel a connection bc I genuinely liked him and I thought he was attractive I just didn't have that crazy about you thing girls get and would never hang out with him alone bc I got bored. That's basically highschool, I really didn't have any real crushes on other guys other than those two.

A friend of mine came out to me as bisexual at my senior prom bc she was so proud of her gf. Literally right then I decided yeah I could be bi. So that is the label that I've flown under for a few years now. However, I never really came out. My siblings know but they're the kind of people who say "well there's no point in declaring it if you've never been with a girl" as in "how are you even sure?" So really only my close friends knew that and Ive really only hung out with one girl (called "A") consistently since school. She never really encouraged me to date any women tho.

So even tho I said that I pretty much continued hetero dating bc I just never thought about that again. I just assumed "sure, you can be attracted to women but you'll end up with a man so what's the point in wasting time?" I dated other guys to practice getting good at sex bc even tho I might think they're attractive I just never wanted to be around them long term. My fantasy were always about men but they were always abusive (no Ive never been abused and in real life I hate when men get too aggressive, rough sex ain't my thing) As far as the sex goes, it was okay? I would enjoy it and it'd be fun but as a recreational activity. I never wanted guys to eat me out or finger me tho, it felt creepy so I just cut to full on sex. I was always disappointed or lost interest a few minutes into it tho. The only time I've came with someone else I was thinking less about him and more about my own body and what it could do to him if that makes sense. I enjoyed pleasuring someone else and being good at it was a sort of game for me and I sort of felt like I was doing something good for someone else. It's super weird and I don't like to use my body like that anymore.

Up until a year ago I didn't really take the attraction to women seriously. I had never had an outright crush on a woman or had a fantasy about a girl. So I just guessed I hadn't found the right man. And I did have a dream man in mind but oddly enough I never wanted to marry one, imagined myself as a single mom lol why? About a year and a half ago I met that dream man actually..

My friend "A" (as previously mentioned) and I were pretty inseparable.. so inseparable that we had two threesomes with Mr. Dreamy eyes. Idk how that happened but I was really into it. Her and I didn't go further than second base tho. Looking back she didn't make any moves towards going further which is why I didn't and it was always unplanned so we never discussed any intentions. Even after that I didn't think I could be in love with her. She had a boyfriend and I went ahead and dated Mr. Eyes for Christ's sake. He's actually a wonderful person with all his ducks in a row and I really wanted to want to be with him. Around this time she started calling me her gf to people(almost as a joke), which bothered me bc it was half hearted and she actually had a real bf. Then A got a crush on a friend of ours (she still has a bf) and asked me not to go for him. I stopped seeing Eyes and dated the kid (call him, dog) she had a crush on. Not bc she said not to, but bc the three of us were always hanging out and I was always wishing I was with them when I was with Eyes. Somehow the three of us ended up in bed together too and afterwards we talked about being in a polyamorous relationship.. only if A finally let her bf go like she said she was going to. She didn't so I just continued dating Dog without her except they were still sleeping together behind my back. He's the first guy I actually tried with. I always wonder if it was just bc she was around us soo so much. When the three of us talked about being together I thought it would work (still believe in poly with the right people!) bc her and I knew each other so well and I trusted that she truly cared about me bc of our long friendship. She is also the first person I imagined having kids with, in our weird little polyfamily of course, or sharing my time with. Heck I was already pretty much living with her and we had cats together lol I didn't ever think about her sexually or fantasize about that. I just wanted to spend every waking second together (if that's love btw it sucked) long story long she never did break up with her boyfriend and she kept seeing dog for a year in secret.. she's actually confessed and been caught multiple times this past year and I've forgiven every single time which is unlike me.. she told her bf about dog and that we had a threesome but no details other than that... They are still together. We still hang out but I can't help but get annoyed that she used me and the fact that she has never acknowledged any feelings for me. Girls just wanna play gaims (good song). I cannot listen to stories about her bf either. It's starting to drive me nuts, like if she was just my friend I should be chill to hear about how sweet he is and funny but it just makes my blood boil which weirds me out.

So basically I'm thinking where to go from here? I would've thought by now I would've found at least one guy that I would want to get to know and spend time with. I don't know if that's someone else's dream for me that I'm holding on to or maybe I really haven't found the right guy so I'm creating a fantasy with a million barely clues from my past to protect me douchey men. There's been a lot of girls that wanted to really get to know. I just don't know if I was really into any of those girls or I clearly get too close to my friends. I do not feel bisexual mostly because there isn't just two genders. Sometimes I feel pansexual bc of my spiritual beliefs. Like how can I limit myself to one gender when we are all just balls of energy, bouncing around in different bodies. I whole heartily believe love transcends our human form. It's why I think all sorts of people are beautiful, man or woman or inbetween, bc they are. People are so cool.

So that's that. Idk what more I could possibly say. You're a trooper if you just read my life story. I feel like I answered my own question already but I'm still asking for opinions... If you had to guess, where on the spectrum do I lie? Anybody had similar feelings or experiences?

 

You deserve more than a pat on the back(*hug*) I know that was suuuper long! Thank you for responding, it does totally help and I'm halfway there to accepting I might be pan with just more appreciation for the ladies but who in the heck knows until they know lol

 

Yesss! Love what you said about experimenting lol I certainly don't mind dating more, I always think there's something you can offer someone even if the relationship doesn't last long term. I suppose life is but a test as long as you are learning from the people that enter it.
Q: have you ever kissed someone and had the electric chills, fluttering heart, rainbows and unicorns feeling? I don't see from above that happening with either gender.
A: no, I think I would know for sure if rainbows or unicorns were leaping through my heart lol I have kissed a lot of people, I might be over affectionate but none have been earth shattering. I've never had legit butterflies, more just actually nervous bc I'm shy and quiet when I'm sober lol sad to say that most of those big kisses happened while I was intoxicated, definitely with A (my shady friend), and once I did end up with someone and hang out sober or the morning after it was just nice

Your response really did warm me right up, I appreciate it!! Lawdy tho I need to work on paraphrasing